Friendship on a string

Dear Sam,

I remember when I first met you in 1st year of high school, and I still remember what I first thought of you. You were clowning around outside of reception with Ryan, Jack, Connor and a few others. I thought you were going to be the class clown, and to an extent you were. But you ended up being a lot more than that. It's difficult to explain the impact you had on my life, but I'm going to try and contextualise it a bit. High school is a difficult time for a lot of people, most people in fact struggle, socially, academically or both. I was the latter, I was a socially awkward nerd, who didn't know the first thing about interacting with other people, and was good at soaking up information but didn't test particularly well (I still don't as a 3rd year economics student, but I'll survive). I was also, probably depressed for much of high school. Barely anyone in my friend group knew this about me at the time, but I was struggling with my mental health largely due to years of watching my dad go in and out of hospital, with every operation being marked with "potentially deadly", constantly anxious about every day being his last.

So everyday at school I was constantly worried, layer the typical bullying by the popular kids and the constant "catch-up" I was doing socially with the other kids, especially boys, and its safe to say I was a bucket of bolts barely able to put his tie on, never mind anything else. You almost never spoke to me inside school, the only conversations we had would be walking across the street to the corner shop while you were on your way home. One conversation sticks out in my mind, you were talking about your sister and that she was going through something at the time, and you were worried about her, but were keeping yourself positive. You didn't know, but I was going through troubles as well and your positivity, and hope, kept me going. In the hallways, on the way to class, you'd tap me on the shoulder and I knew it was you, I didn't even have to turn around. That tap on the shoulder, was my motivation to perk myself up a bit and keep going. You did the same thing in PE (Physical Education), while I was taking the 5 mile run as a 5 mile walk, you'd slow down for a bit, have a chat, tap me on the shoulder and keep going.

It felt like every time my mind was going into the shadows, you were always there to give me a pep talk without having to say a word. You had no idea where my mind was, but something tells me that you had a hunch that I wasn't in a good headspace, and much like yourself, you couldn't keep yourself there, so why let me suffer in silence, like I usually did. It was like having a guardian angel for my mental health on a really long piece of string that kind of just knew when it was time to show up and remind me to keep going. Even after school, you always remembered me, I've walked passed school friends and they just look right through me like I'm not even there and yet 6 years after I left school. I was walking out of a ASDA's I was working at over the Christmas period and you were there, with a shortish blonde woman with long hair, I presumed your girlfriend but that was none of my business. You did what you always did, you tapped me on the shoulder on the way out, while it was piling down with rain, and you pointed and said "Its been a while, How's it going". Again, you always seem to show up at the right time, just when my mind was running astray.

We tend to think of our best friends as being the people who speak at our birthdays, show up to our weddings, want to hang out all the time, but Sam. You were and still are my best friend, yet I know almost nothing about you, and you know almost nothing about me. And yet, I don't feel the need to tell you anything. Because that would in a sense ruin the connection we seem to have. You always seem to show up just when I need you despite the fact that we've never messaged on social media apart from maybe once in high school. We go through life keeping friends, throwing and drifting from friends, but the one friend that I don't think I'll drift from is you, because we were never that close to begin with, you just show up just when I need you to, and I know that will be the case until the end of time. Friends, best friends aren't just the ones who speak at your wedding but are also the ones that ensure that you meet your dreams rather than sleeping on them. Some of the most impactful people in your life, are in a way strangers. You are a stranger but also not a stranger. You are a friend on a long piece of string, you are gone for a long time, but never forever and show up just when I need you to.

You are the living embodiment of "Treat someone with kindness because you never know what they're going through" and I hope that you understand the impact that you've made on my life. Because if it weren't for your silent pep talks, I don't think I would have turned out to be the man I am today. And for anyone else who reads this, Find your Sam, or alternatively, be that Sam for someone else, because you never know what they're going through.

Much love,

R. H.