The Dark Side of Idealism

I recently left a relationship that seemed a perfect match in the beginning. I think what drew us together was the sense that we were both idealists. He and I both believed that every person can do their part to make this world a better place for us all. What I didn’t see, through my rose colored glasses and the fog of love and war that had completely enveloped me, is that there is a dark side to idealism.

Idealism, it sounds so lovely doesn’t it? The word conjures up images of a fresh faced college graduate, armed with the vitality, knowledge and freedom to change the world. Not yet personally shaken, ravaged, and torn by the invisible beasts that live in it. Not even feeling the danger their soul is in, being turned loose into a den of lions with nothing but a naive smile, the proper pronouns, and a vaccine shot to protect them. With these things, they believe they can change the world.

Yes, these things are important. But they are not the tools that are making the change. They are the evidence of what is being built.

I was with my partner in his truck, waiting for the only diesel pump to become available so we could fuel up before a long road trip. He was visibly agitated. He began rattling on about how the person blocking the pump was not even getting diesel, and they chose that particular gas pump on purpose, clearly because they have a vendetta against people who drive big diesel trucks. I was baffled by this line of thinking, and yet, I could see on his face and hear in his voice that he felt this choice of gas pump was a personal attack on him. This angered him. He said, at a minimum, this was extrememly inconsiderate.

I thought, how can this be inconsiderate if this person has no knowledge of what they are doing? In my mind, inconsiderate is an awareness of common courtesy paired with a complete disregard for it.

Maybe they are not specifically thinking of diesel trucks at all when they pull up to get gas, but only about getting to the next place they are going? I wondered, how many times have I done something like block the diesel pump, inciting a storm of outrage, and was never any the wiser for it. I would have just gone about the rest of my day completely unaware of the emotional turmoil of the diesel truck driver in line after me.

He said, that is what makes it inconsiderate. Because the person ahead did not think about how their choice of gas pump could affect others. But-should they have, really?

The longer we were together, the more I began to see this pattern in him. And the more I saw it in him, the more I began to see it in myself, in others, even patterned in the fabric of society. It’s a deeply engrained belief that there is a way people “should” be; but it goes another layer deeper. These “shoulds” are build upon the foundation of each individual’s completely, 100 percent unique, absolutely irreplicable lived experience.

We did eventually get diesel and then go on our way. But this otherwise innocuous event was a turning point for me, for a multitude of reasons. I thought of maybe dozens of alternate scenarios for everyday situations, in which a person could be labeled “inconsiderate” based on the logic that was being used to justify my partner’s outrage. What if the person behind us needed the diesel more urgently, or was in a bigger hurry than we were for some more important cause than going on a road trip? Would it be inconsiderate to not allow them ahead in line? What if you earned $10 walking dogs, but your parapalegic neighbor needed that money more and was unable to walk dogs? Would you give him the money? This could go on and on, of course. An infinite number of hypotheticals all along an infinite spectrum from realistic to ridiculously improbable. Each scenario unique, each one having an unknown effect on the following scenario. What some call, “the butterfly effect.” Not to mention, taking into account what is good for one person may be bad for another. Not to mention every event leading up to a point in one’s life when they made the decision to choose that particular gas pump. Not to mention, they may not even be aware of what those experiences have been that influenced that critical decision.

The bottom line, of course, is that they were there first.

However, this is all part and parcel to a grand universal equation far to complicated for any human mind to comprehend, with an infinite number of knowable and unknowable variables in a constantly changing environment. It seems rather daunting, doesn’t it, to formulate a moral code under these conditions? Well, for me it does. But I suppose this is why, as a species, our default is to super-simplify and categorize people and situations to their very most basic elements based on a collection of lived experiences. It’s also why, I suppose, so many humans rely on certain texts and prefabricated decision making modalitites to help along the way. They pose as an operator’s manual to an inanimate, mechanical, world.

Except, this ignores that the world we live in is alive, and that all the parts of it, us included, equal to something far greater than its sum. And, it’s a dynamic being, everchanging, just as we are created to be.

Idealism is an affliction that eventually leaves its sufferer jaded and lost, because no person or situation will ever live up to another individual's concept of "ideal." "Idealism" is little more than a whole bunch of nicely packaged "shoulds." I am giving up idealism because “should” has no place in my world anymore. “Should” is me, dictating to you, (or to myself) how you ought to be, (or how I ought to be) based on my own limited, lived experiences up to any given point in time. It is illogical. It does not compute. At least, not to me, not anymore. My contribution to creating a better world is this: I will honor your path and in doing so, I will honor you. I will respect and believe that you write your own narrative; that you are the author of your own life and the creator of your own soul. I will have faith in you as a human that your existence and experience is real and valid, whether I think I understand or not. When we give ourselves and others permission and to exist in the moment, acknowledging its validity, seeing each other in a light that illuminates our authentic selves: Then we are on a path to to true change.