The Boys I Loved

You ever dated someone and still think about all the times you should have kicked them out of your apartment? When I think of boyfriends past, I shake my head - at myself.

There was that one guy whose smug face would tug the corners of his mouth upon seeing me, an otherwise very chill woman, bothered. Eliciting jealousy from me was his way of having the upper hand. For whatever reason, he needed to cut me down to a size smaller than him. I’ve since learned that people who need the upper hand are needing control because they lack control within themselves.

The guy I dated before him pushed over the Christmas tree in the lobby of my then apartment building one night when us and some friends were returning, pretty faded, from a night of celebrating my birthday. I waited for him in the elevator, clueless about his antics, and instead of boasting about it he stayed mum. The next day the building manager informed me that he had checked the cameras and immediately put a red flag in my permanent file. To this day I fantasize about dragging that ex by his ear out of my apartment.

My first boyfriend was all talk and no action. He was an ambition-less stoner who skated by doing as little as he could and said cheesy things like, “If I had money, I’d buy you the world.”

His insecurities manifested into a constant need for female attention, except mine. He spent our nights hanging around other girls, be them strangers, friends, or his friend’s girlfriends. I became invisible.

He cut me down too: I’m not a good writer; my hair doesn’t look good curly; I’m embarrassing; I’m stupid for substituting meat with sliced tomatoes instead of an extra egg.

It took me a long time to realize that accepting toxic behaviour is also an insecurity and toxic. I put romantic partners on a pedestal and viewed them as higher than myself.

I took a break from dating a few years ago to heal disease and that journey turned spiritual. I’ve been going within, spending time with God and at the same time trying to figure out God, and listening to other spiritualists. I’m healing, and learning to love myself.

I accepted rotten behaviour because I didn’t love myself enough to know I deserved better. That’s the vibe I was putting out into the world, and I received more of the same.

If don’t I deserve to receive better, then what exactly am I capable of giving?

The capacity of love I have for myself is the same capacity I am able to offer another. You can only meet someone as far as you have met yourself.

Our capacity for love is limitless, but when filled with insecurities there’s not a lot of room for love. Big love, out of this world love, love to the umpteenth degree requires healing insecurities or at least becoming conscious of them so that we know when they are being triggered.

Being in a toxic relationship, as well as enabling toxic behaviour, develops personality traits to cope with toxicity, and they need to be checked. Ill-treatment can make us avoidant, non-confrontational, and non-communicative. These personality traits make us bottle up our issues, which is unhealthy for a relationship. Ill-treatment can also make us feel unworthy, and unworthiness triggers negative emotions, such as jealousy.

The behaviour we accept from the people around us, not just romantic partners, is a testament to how we see ourselves and clues us in to the kind of love we’re able to give.