The Boy Who Cried Love

After Terrence ghosted me, it took me awhile to move on. I was well aware that we hadn't been dating, but after three months of 'hanging out' and being intimate, it seemed like we were at the very least, on the road to dating. I couldn't understand how he could just cut me out of his life so callously, how he could live with himself knowing the pain and distress that he was causing me. It wasn't until the following spring that I even started to seriously talk to guys again.

One spring morning, I woke up early to take my grandmother to her doctor's appointment in Midland. As usual, I checked my Grindr before I even got up to pee. I was well over Terrence by then, and while not looking for another attempt at a relationship per se, I was on the market for some male attention. I was surprised to see that I had a message - and a lengthy one at that - from a very cute guy named Shane.

Shane probably didn't remember me, but I certainly remembered him. He hadn't been active in a few years, but I had seen him on Grindr before and had tried talking to him on numerous occasions; sometimes I'd get a response, but for the most part, he didn't respond. He was cute, with reddish blond hair, a chubby, Ben Platt-esque face, and braces. I'm not sure why I find braces attractive, but I do. One of the few times that we did actually talk, I learned that he was a nursing student and he was younger than I, in his early twenties.

This time, he was very complimentary - to my looks and my profile in general. I didn't want to bring up our sporadic conversations of yesteryear, so I played along as if I had no memory of him. I quickly learned that he had moved back to the area that morning, after packing up his things and leaving his ex-boyfriend back in Port Huron. Sure, there were some red flags there, but I was grateful for the attention; we spent the day talking and flirting. He was staying with a friend in Saginaw for the time being, which put him about forty minutes away from me. I didn't go to Saginaw often, but I knew that Bay City was about halfway for both of us.

That Sunday, I wanted to do something besides after work besides sit home and get high, so invited him to meet me at Meijer, assuming he wouldn't; I was surprised when he readily agreed. It was late when we met; coincidentally, I ended up parking next to him, having no idea that the golden SUV was his. As I got into his car I was taken aback by how attractive he was, far more attractive in person. His braces were gone, but they had only been one small part of my attraction to him. He was dressed casually, but it suited him.

We talked about our dating history; as it turned out, he knew Terrence and was not surprised that he had hurt me like that. I learned that Shane had gone through a phase when he was younger where he equated sex with love; his body count was in the nineties. While my body count was still under five, it didn't bother me; Shane was a serial monogamist, at least, so it wasn't like he was just going around sleeping with any guy who crossed his path. I noticed that his eyes were blue - not my usual desired color - far lighter than mine; his demeanor was calm and gentle, which helped me to feel more relaxed around him.

At one point, there was a fight in the parking lot; some tall, skinny lady was screaming at her boyfriend. We couldn't make out a lot of what was being said, but after fighting for a few minutes, the guy sped off, only to slam on his brakes across the parking lot. I jokingly referred the tall, skinny older woman as Mommy Long Legs, which had Shane laughing hysterically.

It was easy talking to Shane, which I appreciated; it's normally so hard for me to make a genuine connection with someone new. When I announced that I had to pee, I figured he'd head home, but he offered to walk in with me, which I found incredibly sweet. I figured that he might have to pee as well, but when I turned left to go the restrooms, he wandered into the produce section. As I was walking out of the restroom, I spotted him at one of the self-checkouts. I didn't think anything of it, even though I'd only been gone for a minute, tops. We met at the door, and he handed me the bag.

I was confused; I hadn't mentioned needing anything. "What's this?" I asked.

"It's a surprise for you," he said simply. I opened the bag and grinned when I saw several slices of cheesecake. "I remembered you saying that you love cheesecake. I wasn't sure what kind to get, so I got one of each."

"Aw, thank you!"

I was touched. I'd never had a guy do anything like that for me before. He was paying attention, which suggested that he was interested, but he had only been single for three days; I didn't want to jump into anything too quickly, especially since we had only met an hour previously. We parted ways soon after that, but I had a feeling that we would be spending more time together.

The next night, I got home from work, craving the attention. Everyone was in bed already, so I invited Shane over for tea. He showed up about forty minutes later, and after we made our tea - Earl Grey - I mentioned that I had always wanted to go to the woods at night, but that no one ever wanted to, too afraid; Shane happily offered to go with me.

It wasn't the coyotes that scared me or gave me the thrill of danger, but the idea of going out at night after seeing far too many horror movies set in dark woods. I knew that nothing would actually happen, but the idea was enough to make it exciting. I'd walked out to my grandma's woods many times during the day, but it would be completely different with only the flashlights on our phones to guide us.

We schlepped the quarter mile through the farm field back to the woods before coming to a stop at the area that I sat in whenever I walked out there. I laid a blanket down for us on the smoothest section of ground I could find, figuring we could snuggle up under the stars. As we lay side by side looking up at the clear night sky, he turned to me. "Do you think this is a karmic connection?" he asked.

I wasn't sure what exactly a karmic connection was, but I knew that he considered himself a Wiccan; I didn't want to admit my ignorance, so I said, "maybe."

"I think it is."

We held hands and snuggled. The night was cool, but not cold enough that I was shivering. "I've always wanted to go camping out here," I said, enjoying the feeling of his head on my chest.

"I'll go camping with you out here this summer," he offered eagerly. "Do you have a tent?"

"Yeah, there's one in the trunk of my car that's still in the box. I probably wouldn't know how to set it up."

"We'll figure it out. I'm good at that stuff."

There it was, the mythical we that implied that he was going to stick around, that he was interested in me for more than my genitalia. I liked how eager he was, but a part of me also panicked at it. It shouldn't be this intense this soon, a voice in the back of my head said, keeping me from giving into the fantasy full force.

Eventually, we decided to head back, but ended up kissing. The more our lips melded together, the more our hands started to roam each other's body. He felt good, his penis the perfect six to seven inches that I liked. "I want to suck it," I whispered, breaking the kiss.

"Not tonight," he replied, also whispering. "Let's just touch each other."

I didn't understand why touching was okay, but not oral, but I wasn't going to push it. We pulled our penises out and stroked each other, moaning into each other's mouths. When I came, I squirted all over his tan shorts. "I'm so sorry!" I giggled, embarrassed. "I super soaked you!"

He left when we got back to the house, but I felt like our foray into the dark woods had helped bond us together.

For the next couple of days, we texted incessantly. On Wednesday - my Friday - he came over to see me again. I couldn't help but notice that he always had some kind of food stuck in his front teeth; I wanted to point it out to him but didn't want him to think that I was being critical. I invited him to go shopping with me, but I couldn't leave until I got the kids off of the bus.

I had spent the last several months babysitting my uncle's kids; normally my grandma was the one to watch them, but COVID had pushed her over the edge, and she'd become a full-fledged alcoholic. Every day, she'd consume as much brandy as she could and then cry and wail in her room. Sometimes, she'd fall out of bed in the middle of the night and we'd have to get her back into bed. It was hard seeing someone who had always been together, always been the one to fix everyone's problems and be the safe space we all needed, lose control entirely. While my uncle was off doing whatever it was that he did - he didn't have a job - I spent time with his two kids. Jeffery was fifteen and mostly self-sufficient, but Julia was only nine and desperately in need of a positive parental figure.

We took the kids with us to Bay City to do our shopping for the week. As we were walking into Walmart, my shoe came untied; Shane immediately dropped to his knees and tied it for me. While I found it cute, I also found it a little too intense, especially in front of the kids. Jeffery knew that I was gay, but Julia was still young enough that she didn't really know about stuff like that. I had introduced Shane to the kids as my friend, which wasn't technically a lie.

On our way back home, we stopped at the Cabin in Linwood; it's technically a bar, but is more of a restaurant. My grandma and I had gone there often pre-COVID to escape the insanity at home. The food was incredible, and we were there so often that the waitresses knew our names. We were just about to order when I got a call from my grandmother; she was frantically telling me that I had to get the kids home immediately. It turned out that my uncle had come home, seen the Gay Pride flag sticker on the back of Shane's car, and lost his mind. A few years prior, I had heard through the grapevine that he did not want me bringing guys around his kids; while I respected that, I figured that since Shane and I were just friends and I had had primary custody of his kids for the past seven months, that it wouldn't be a big deal.

As we raced home, I felt my stomach twisting into knots. My uncle had fried his brain doing pills and who knew how many other drugs; he had grown irrational and violent. He already hated me because by being a self-sufficent adult, I made him look bad. I had a job, my own car, bought my own groceries; he was pushing fifty, had five kids he couldn't afford and lived off of his mother. The last thing that I wanted was for him to go after Shawn or I over something so trivial.

"Should I talk to him?" Shane asked, sensing my anxiety. "I can tell him we're just friends."

"No, absolutely not," I replied. "I think you should just get in your car and leave."

"I don't want to leave you alone to deal with it, what if he hurts you?"

"I don't think he will. He's just upset. You being there is just going to exacerbate it."

"I'll tell him you weren't doing anything wrong," Jeffery piped up from the back seat.

I pulled into the driveway, my heart hammering in my chest. My uncle was over by the burn pile, talking to his girlfriend. The kids went inside as I said goodbye to Shane. "I'm really sorry that I caused a problem," he said, fidgeting nervously.

"It's not your fault he's a homophobe," I replied. "We did nothing wrong. We didn't kiss or hold hands or anything."

Shane left as I carried the groceries inside. My uncle never said a word to me about it, which I took as a sign that my grandma was just being a drama queen as usual.

Shane and I realized that we couldn't meet at my place anymore, at least not while the kids were awake. Shane was getting frustrated that he always had to drive to me, that I wouldn't come over to his place, but I was honest and told him that with my stomach being the mess that it was, I wasn't comfortable staying at his place. I told him about a small park in Bay City that was private; we agreed to meet there until we could figure something else out.

The first night we met at the park, I brought us a pizza to share. We lay on the grass, talking and eating. When he had told me that he'd gotten me a surprise I felt obligated to get him something, too; he'd gotten me a copy of his favorite book, and I'd gotten him a plush German Shepherd that he'd named Brutus. I was enjoying whatever it was that we were, but I wasn't quite ready to make it an official relationship. Our hormones got the best of us and ended up climbing into the back seat of his car to make out; it eventually led to him sucking my dick and then me on top of him, his pants down around his ankles and his legs around my waist. I wanted to fuck him so badly, but there wasn't any lube or condoms, and the logical part of my brain didn't want to take that next step if we weren't dating.

After we finished, we cuddled on the seat. "I know we haven't known each other for long," he murmured, "but I can already tell that I want to spend the rest of my life with you."

I immediately tensed up. I wasn't sure how to respond to that. While I appreciated the idea of it, I was not anywhere near sure that I wanted to spend the next few months with him, let alone the rest of my life. Sure, he was hot and sweet, and I liked being with him, but his intense attachment to me was making me uncomfortable. I wanted to tell him that I wasn't fully there yet, but I didn't want to hurt his feelings or make him run away.

I couldn't help but wonder, what was wrong with me? I had a handsome, kind, funny guy who was absolutely smitten with me - something I'd always wanted - but hearing him say it made my fight or flight instinct kick in. Sure, Hollywood has produced thousands of movies that sell the idea of love at first sight, but I wasn't sure that I believed in that, after all, how could you love someone after just a look? How could you possibly know anything about the other person - anything real about them - from a glance, except for their looks? Was I that cynical and jaded? Was I wary of Shane's words because I'd grown up with little to no positive examples of healthy love? Was I wrong for not returning his feelings?

"What are you doing next June?" he asked, gazing up at me lovingly.

"Ummmm...I don't know, why?"

"My best friend is getting married, and I want you to be my date."

"I don't usually plan that far ahead," I replied warily.

"Come on, it'll be fun. I want to dance with you under the moonlight. You said that you've never slow danced with a guy before."

"Can we just play it by ear? You might get sick of my shit by then."

"Okay," he said, the disappointment heavy in his voice.

I didn't want to hurt him, but I also couldn't just go along with whatever he wanted so that I didn't hurt his feelings; it wasn't fair to either of us. I wanted to be the person who could dive in with no second thoughts, but my brain, or my anxiety, stopped me.

The next time we met at the park, I drove us across town to get Taco Bell. As we were leaving, I brushed the curb with my back tire; suddenly there was a scraping sound every time I braked. I immediately started to panic, as I do whenever there is a problem with my car. Shane tried to assure me that everything would be fine, but I was so on edge that we didn't stay long.

A week or so later, my cousin was getting married up north; we were short staffed at work, so I stayed behind, which meant that I would have the house to myself. I let Shane know that he could come spend the night with me; we planned a lavish affair with him cooking for me, wine, and movies. I was really wanting to go see Cruella in theaters, but we couldn't find a time that worked for both of us. While he was trying to find a job, he was occupying himself by helping his mom paint her house.

The day that my grandma left to go up north for the wedding, I wasn't feeling well. As usual, my stomach was upset; to make matters worse, my uncle stayed behind to make food for the wedding and didn't leave until late afternoon the day of the wedding. Shane wanted me to come stay the night with him, going so far as to offer to get my baby wipes and hold me when I got back to bed. I tried telling him that when I had one of my 'attacks' I didn't want anyone around me, but that just upset him more. The more he tried to be loving and attentive, the more I felt like I was being smothered.

A few days later, I was at work when he texted me saying that he needed to be honest with me about something, which made my stomach twist into knots. He said that he loved spending time with me and thought that I was very cute and kind, but that he wasn't sure that he was ready to dive into another relationship so soon. Oh, thank God! I thought, feeling myself fully relax for the first time in weeks. I texted him back saying that I agreed, that if we were both being honest, that I felt like he had been coming on too strong, that I hadn't said anything because I'd been afraid of hurting his feelings and making him think that I didn't like him.

Initially he said it was fine, but later that night, he texted me again, upset. He said that he couldn't understand how he had been coming on too strong, that we had spent quality time together, exchanged meaningful gifts, kissed, cuddled, and done sexual things. The more that I tried to explain myself to him, the more upset he got. At the end of the conversation, he told me that he thought that it was best if we just stopped talking. I felt awful. I hadn't wanted to hurt him, but I also wasn't the kind of person who could 'fall in love' after a few weeks. I enjoyed his company, sure, but I wanted to go slow and sort out all of the issues so that if we did date, there wouldn't be any issues.

We didn't talk for a week. I went to see Cruella; it was the first time that I'd gone to a movie on my own. I found it to be an incredibly empowering experience, proving that I didn't need a man, but as the week progressed, I started missing Shane. I wanted to fix it, to make it clear that I wanted to continue to see him, but that I just didn't want it to be so intense. He didn't answer my first few texts, but after I sent a third saying that Julia missed him, he grudgingly replied. I mentioned needing to go pick my car up from the shop - I'd needed new brakes - but that I could meet him afterward to talk in person. He offered to come pick up me up so that I didn't have to rely on my uncle. When we got back to my place, Shane asked if I wanted to go to somewhere with him, a surprise; I had nothing planned for the day, and I definitely didn't want to be home to deal with all of the fighting and drama, so I readily agreed.

We made a pit stop at my friend Amanda's house so that they could meet; on the way, I tried giving him road head. "I want to pull over and eat you out so bad!" he groaned, which turned me on even more. Unfortunately, the drive to Amanda's was only about five minutes, and we were on a back road only briefly, so I wasn't able to get him off.

We didn't stay at Amanda's for long; everyone got along pretty well. On our way to our mystery destination, Shane told me that his plan was to go back school to get his RN - he hadn't finished nursing school - and then be a travel nurse; he wanted me to come with him. Honestly, I didn't see myself living that kind of vagabond life, especially with four cats, plus I didn't want to leave the kids or my grandma. I explained my stomach issues in more detail than usual; Shane suggested I go to a doctor and offered to come with me if I needed emotional support. I couldn't help but wonder if, in time, I could fall madly in love with him.

My big surprise was the Tridge in Midland. It was June by then, perfect t-shirt weather. We walked all over, taking in the sunshine and the beauty of the water. As we walked, I felt myself started to get seriously attached to Shane, grateful that he had given me a second chance. I had known that the feelings would come eventually, it just took time.

We stopped at Barnes & Noble next. I checked the science fiction section first to see if there were any new Doctor Who, Star Trek, or Star Wars books that I was interested in before we meandered over to the toy section. One of my favorite things about Barnes & Noble condensing their DVD and music section was the new toy area. There were board games, Funko Pops, a whole Friends section, not to mention the Harry Potter shelf. There was a Dobby doll I wanted, but I was trying to be smart with my money. so I forced myself to walk away.

In the more juvenile portion of the games and toys, there was a big Etch A Sketch with a stylus. "Go away for a second," Shane said, waving me off. I was confused but did as he said, figuring he needed to fart or something. A few seconds later, he turned back to me. "You can look at it now."

As I approached the Etch A Sketch I felt my heart melt. He'd written: Can I take you out on a date? followed by two boxes, one for yes, one for no. It was cheesy and ridiculously childish, but I thought it was cute. "Go away for a second," I sassed back, waiting for him to go to the next aisle before I put a checkmark through the Yes box. He was grinning ear to ear when he saw my answer.

We were both hungry, so our next stop was Panda Express. "Are you going to be mad at me if I don't pay for yours?" he asked as we pulled up to the window.

"Of course not."

Given that we had just started talking again a few hours previously and my Panda Express order is not cheap, I didn't fault him at all. Obviously, if it had been our date, then I'd have expected him to pay, since he'd asked me, but for the moment I was fine.

We made plans for him to come over the following night and watch The Conjuring: The Devil Made Me Do It. I had loved the first two movies in the series, and I figured that since the kids weren't involved, it wouldn't be an issue. My grandma had already told me that I was allowed to have Shabe over, that I paid rent and my uncle didn't.

I had a hot pizza waiting when he came over. We climbed into my twin bed and started the movie. It didn't take long for me to pack a bowl and start smoking; Shane hadn't smoked in a while but asked if he could have a few hits. He ended up getting goofy high, which made me laugh. We cuddled during the movie, but when I rested my hand on his hip and it slid down to his crotch, I couldn't help but notice that he grabbed it and put it back on his hip. The movie wasn't as good as the previous two in the series, but I enjoyed the experience of watching a movie cuddled up in bed with a cute guy.

When he left, I was expecting us to kiss as was our norm, but instead, he gave me a hug and said, "bye." I thought it was odd, but figured that he was trying to respectful of the kids and that he was worried he'd get me into trouble with my uncle if we showed any kind of serious affection.

I woke up the next morning to my mom calling me. Apparently, my uncle had stopped in at some point and seeing Shane's car, he'd called my mom, threatening to kick my ass if I didn't stop bringing him to the house. I immediately went into a rage. "I will not be told I can't have a friend over," I growled. "I pay rent here, he doesn't. Your mom - the owner of the house - gave me permission."

"You need to respect his wishes. He doesn't want Shane around his kids," she replied, trying to keep her cool.

"I don't have to respect shit!" I screamed. "He doesn't run the show here. He does whatever the fuck he wants to do - regardless if your mom tells him not to. He doesn't control me and what I do. And we weren't even around the kids. Julia was asleep and Jeffery was in his room. Now I can't even have a friend over to watch a movie? Fucking ridiculous!"

"If you don't want to listen, then you'll find out the hard way," she said ominously. "I'm telling you to just drop it."

"Fuck that!" I hung up the phone, my blood boiling.

I felt betrayed. My mother had always had my back whenever there were issues with my uncle and I; she was not one to let someone treat her son like shit. Why, then, was she siding with him this time? I knew that taking care of my autistic brother took up a lot of her time and energy, but still, I couldn't understand why she wasn't fighting for me.

Later that day, Shane and I were texting. I told him about the conversation with my mom and how my grandma had told me that I could have him over whenever I wanted to. After my rant was over, he said that when we'd hung out the night before, he'd realized that the romantic feelings he'd had for me were gone and that he just wanted to be friends. I wanted to scream, wanted to take everybody who was stressing me out and just shake them until my rage subsided. If his feelings had diminished, why had he asked me out? He'd been as giddy as a schoolgirl about asking me out. After badgering me for weeks about being scared to trust him and allow myself to have feelings, the minute I was ready, he wanted to just be friends. If his feelings had subsided that quickly, then they couldn't have been that strong in the first place.

We didn't talk for a while after that until the fall - other than him letting me know that he'd tested positive for gonorrhea and that I should get tested too. By then, I'd moved out of my grandma's, away from the chaos, and into my apartment. I invited him over one night toward his shift at the hospital; he eagerly accepted. We hadn't explicitly said that we were going to hook up, but I was definitely down if he was. We went into my room and started making out. I wanted to finger him, but he told me that he'd taken a shit at work and wasn't prepared for anything to go up his ass. Instead, we jerked and sucked each other. After, while we cuddled, he told me that he was enjoying being single and having the freedom to sleep with whomever, whenever. I took this to mean that he wasn't trying to date me.

Soon after our hookup, he blocked me after I flirted with him. We didn't talk again for a year or so, when I learned that he'd started dating someone about six months previously. They'd gotten engaged, but his fiancé had recently taken his own life. Shane was obviously devastated; I offered to be there for him as a friend. I couldn't help but think that he was insane for getting engaged so quickly, but jumping into things seemed to be his MO. I was sorry that his fiancé had killed himself; I couldn't even imagine how traumatic that would be.

We haven't really spoken much since then. I've heard rumors that he's a furry now and that he has a kid, but he cut me out of his life completely, and I don't care enough to go digging. He doesn't want me to be part of his life and I have to respect that . I can't help but think back on the whole experience and feel sad. If I hadn't been too afraid to go outside of my comfort zone, we could have had a good - albeit short-lived - relationship. I know that we wouldn't have been endgame, but it would have been a nice starter relationship for me. I wish that things were different, that we could have met each other at the right time. Alas, it seems as though it just wasn't meant to be.

One thing I am incredibly grateful for is that I was somehow able to dodge the gonorrhea bullet. Although I had sucked his dick - sans condom - I did not get his dirty dick disease. Shortly after he ended things, I did end up in the emergency room with a painful, swollen testicle that turned out to be epididymitis. The doctors had tested me for STDs and STIs, but thankfully, I was negative for everything. To this day, I have never had any STDs or STIs.

Sometimes I think that the reason Shane was brought into my life was to get me out of the toxic living situation I was in at my grandma's. If it weren't for Shane's presence rocking the boat and leading to my uncle assaulting me, I'd probably still be there, unwilling to leave my grandma in a hell of her own making. With me gone, she has lost herself even more; my uncle now has complete control of her house and car. My cats - and I - are much safter where we are now. It's peaceful, there's no drama, no screaming and fighting. I only have to clean up after myself, which is a nice change. There's no one complaining that I'm lazy and don't do anything to keep the house up, despite the fact that said person refuses to do dishes, vacuum, or clean litter boxes.

I don't know if I'll ever have a relationship, or how good I'd even be at it, but despite all of the disappointments and setbacks, I retain a sense of hope. I believe that if the right person comes along, all of my reservations and inhibitions will go away - in time, opening me up to an experience that I have longed for, but that has always alluded me. Somewhere, out in the wide world, there has to be someone that is a perfect match for me.