Fingering It Out

It's not uncommon to develop feelings for someone after sleeping with them. I'm usually pretty good at remaining detached after sex, but after Zane and I slept together - after our first official date - I couldn't help but admit that while I wasn't in love with him, I was warming up to the idea of having him in my life. There weren't any guarantees that it would progress to a relationship, but I felt more comfortable with him - sexually - than I did with most guys, which I took as a good sign.

The day after our date, I was relaxing in bed, trying to figure out what to do for our second date. Zane had said that since he'd planned our first date, I should plan the second. I felt that that was fair, but I also hated having to be the one to decide because I am the biggest homebody in the world. It didn't help that it was mid-January, not quite the dead of winter, but definitely the time of year when I especially detested leaving my apartment. Zane had made it clear that he liked outdoor activities like roller-skating, kayaking, camping, and swimming; I, on the other hand, am very much an indoor gal. As a kid, my mom and stepdad had had to force me to go outside in the summer; I'd have much rather stayed inside to play video games or watch cartoons or movies. I always joke that part of the reason that my skin is in such good condition, and I look younger than my age is because I have little to no sun damage. What could I come up with for a date that would be fun for both of us?

Generally, my idea of a date is dinner and a movie. Sure, the dinner part was up in the air because I never knew how my stomach was going to react, but the movie part was right up my alley. The problem was, the only movies that were playing that I wanted to see, I'd been able to watch online for free. Still, I decided to check the showtimes at the Bay City theater to see if maybe something was coming out that had somehow slipped under my radar. Disappointment set in as I confirmed what I had already assumed, but once again, the universe came through for me. Every Sunday, the theater hosts Flashback Cinema, where they show classic films from the past. I'd gone to see the original Halloween movie back in October and loved it. I had seen the movie before - numerous times - but there was something special about seeing it on a theater screen as opposed to a TV screen; for a small moment in time, it was like I was back in 1978, experiencing Jamie Lee Curtis's screen debut for the first time. It was a magical experience that I will - hopefully - never forget. I was ecstatic when I saw that that week's Flashback Cinema movie was none other than the cult-classic Mean Girls.

I immediately messaged Zane and asked if he would like to go with me. I know it's impractical to pay money to see a movie that we could have just streamed for free from my bed, but it wasn't about the movie itself, it was about the experience. He said that he would happily go see Mean Girls with me and suggested that we get take-out after and bring it back to my place. Unfortunately, I knew that few restaurants would be open at nine o'clock at night on a Sunday; we'd have to settle for fast food again, which was fine with me.

While Zane enjoyed his first week without a job, I spent my week working as hard as I could to take advantage of our slow season: I cleaned the restaurant as much as I possibly could. Getting a break from the kitchen and dealing with customers was great for my mental health; it had been four years since I'd taken a vacation, and I was overdue from a break from it all. I knew that taking a vacation was not plausible for the foreseeable future due to my heavy shopping addiction and the lack of coverage at my store, so cleaning was the next best option. Maybe I'm a freak, but cleaning makes me happy; I love to see the tangible results of my labors. If we had enough staff that I could devote one day a week to just cleaning, I'd be a lot happier, but alas, that just isn't an option, at least for now.

By Saturday night - my Friday - I was over it all. I just wanted the shift to end so that I could have two days to myself, or at least, two days where I didn't have to focus on the restaurant. Zane offered to come visit me - he wanted cuddles and was more than willing to put lotion on my back where the eczema was the worst. I thought it was kind of silly for him to come over for a couple of hours, drive home, and then come back over for our date the following evening, but I was also flattered that he wanted to see me badly enough that he didn't care about wasting gas and the wear and tear on his vehicle.

By 8:30, I was alone at work. It was snowing and the roads weren't the best; if we weren't taking deliveries, there was no reason to have a second person on the clock. Zane arrived shortly after I sent my driver home. He bought some food and a drink and then entertained himself in the lobby while I worked on cleaning.

My friend and coworker, Pam, messaged me, asking if she could come over the following day to give me the clandestine Hanukkah present she'd been working on all week. I told her that she could and that Zane would be more than happy to help her set it up - whatever it was. I figured it would be a good opportunity for them to meet. Of course, if company was coming over, I'd have to tidy up the place a little; that was usually on the agenda for Mondays, but I'd have to suck it up and just do it. After all, what was a little more cleaning?

When we got back to my apartment, I stripped out of my dirty work clothes and into my robe. I had a hot pizza to eat, and I did not want to wait until after my shower to devour it. We got into bed and I turned to Zane. My normal routine was to watch two episodes of Grey's Anatomy, but I didn't think that he would be interested in that, especially since I was on season fifteen and he'd probably never seen a single episode. "So, what do you want to do?" I asked. "Do you want to watch a movie?"

"Yeah, sure," he replied, dropping his backpack on the floor next to my bed.

"What do you want to watch?"

I had started a list of all of the movies that he needed to watch: Pretty Woman, Ghost, Hedwig and the Angry Inch, Yentl, The Way We Were, the Fifty Shades trilogy, the Twilight Saga. We still hadn't gotten around to finishing Wicked: For Good, but I wasn't sure how committed he was to it; he liked to tease me about my obsession with Wicked and how extreme it was. It had also been two weeks since we'd attempted to watch it; I didn't want to start it over again to refresh his memory.

"Do you want to try finishing Wicked: For Good?" he asked.

"Sure. I remembered where we left off, or at least, where we were before I started distracting you with old pictures on my Instagram."

I put the movie on and watched with rapt attention as I ate my pizza. Normally, I would be singing along, but I don't sing in front of people, not unless I think I'm alone and get caught in the act.

When I finished my dinner I turned to Zane. "We have to pause the movie so I can go take my shower."

"Why?" he asked, "you've already seen it!"

"I know, but I don't want to miss anything."

"How many times have you watched it now?"

"I think this is the fifth time? Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's the fifth time."

"And you can't just let me keep watching it while you go take your shower?"

"No."

He rolled his eyes in fake annoyance as I connected stood up. He stretched, revealing the bulge in the front of his sweatpants. I didn't want this to be only about sex, but I wasn't going to miss an opportunity if he was willing to indulge me. It turns out, he wasn't at least, not when it came to actual sex. I playfully pouted as I took my robe off and let him watch my naked ass as I walked out of the bedroom and connected Spotify to my TV. I was tempted to drag him along with me, but the water heater is my apartment is very small and it's a struggle to get everything done in the short time I have; if there was another body to tend to it would make me have to rush even more.

Post-shower, I crawled back into bed and started the movie back up. Zane scootched closer to me - not quite cuddling - and watched. I love watching the movies with a first-time viewer; I enjoy hearing their theories on what would happen and their shock at the surprise twist at the end.

Afte the movie, we laid in bed. I was suddenly very tired, but it was only around two in the morning; normally I didn't sleep until closer to four. I wanted to propose cuddles, but I knew that I would probably fall asleep and Zane would have to make the decision to either stay the night - not knowing if I was okay with that - or leave. I decided to let him stay, but we shut the TV off and lay in silence. He kissed me goodnight and I rolled over, but for some reason couldn't fall asleep.

I got up and brushed my teeth, which helped wake me up a little. I put on the first episode of Daisy Jones & the Six; I'd just finished reading the book and wanted to see how it was interpreted for TV. Zane played on his phone for a while before watching the episode with me. When it was over, we tried to sleep again.

Zane slept like a baby, but I kept waking up. I'm weird about having people in my bed; for the majority of my life I have slept alone, so it's a weird experience for me to share a bed with someone. I slept for a little bit, but around nine o'clock I gave up. I was still ramped up about work stuff and decided to just run into the shop and cut ham so Pam wouldn't have to start her shift on Tuesday with only a handful cut up.

When I got back home, Zane was still fast asleep. I plugged my headset into my PS4 and played Shadow of the Tomb Raider for a little bit before I got frustrated and decided to start the next episode of Daisy Jones & the Six. About halfway through the episode, I felt myself struggling to stay awake; I shut the TV off, and as I turned to get back into bed, I saw that Zane was awake and on his phone.

"Good morning," he said with an adorable sleep. "How are you?"

"Pissy," I admitted, sliding under the blankets.

"What's wrong?"

"I slept like shit."

"Why?"

"I usually don't sleep well with people in bed with me," I confessed, hoping that I wouldn't hurt his feelings.

"Oh. I'm sorry. I'd have gone home if you'd told me that..."

"It's fine. It's not just that. I was stressed about the ham situation. I finally just went in and cut it."

I happened to look over and see that Zane's erection was pitching an impressive tent in his sweats.

"Someone's excited," I teased, quirking an eyebrow.

"Well, it is morning," he said, stretching languorously.

"Maybe I should help you out with that..."

It didn't take long to have his sweatpants and underwear pulled down and his hard penis free. I jerked him off, enjoying the way his lips parted as I stroked him. When he came, I rubbed the little bit that had sprayed onto my hand onto his stomach. Zane got up to clean it off and then got back into bed, reaching down and rubbing my crotch. He got me off, making me feel a thousand times more relaxed. Before I knew it, I couldn't keep my eyes open. I rolled over and fell back asleep.

When I came to, it was almost two in the afternoon. Even though I'd only slept for another couple of hours I felt much better than I had. Maybe the problem hadn't been Zane being my bed so much as my own neuroticism. I often tell people that you can't take work home with you, that the minute I clock out, work does not exist to me. I wish that that were true, but when there is any kind of issue, it eats away at me, making me stressed and driving me crazy.

Eventually, we got up and started tidying up the apartment. Zane had told me that he liked cleaning, that he found it relaxing. I watched in awe as he organized my things and started vacuuming my futon. There was no judgment in his eyes, simply a yearning to help me out. We started at separate ends and worked around, filling up a trash bag in the process.

Around four, we decided to call it quits. The movie was at 6:50; Pam needed time to set up the gift, and I had not made any strides toward getting ready, aside from brushing my teeth. I figured I'd forgo makeup since it was more of a low-key affair, but I still needed to rinse the hair mask out of my hair and then blow-dry and style it.

Zane said he needed to run out to his car for a minute - he was sneaking a cigarette - and offered to take the trash bag out to the dumpster for me. I used to time to strip my bed and remake it with clean sheets and a clean comforter. Something about fresh linens on the bed gives me a rush of dopamine. Zane came back in and brushed his teeth.

I had just changed into my new pair of cranberry-colored chinos and a beautiful blue and gray cardigan I'd gotten at Meijer when I heard Pam knocking at the door.

"Come in!" I called, taking a last desperate look around. My apartment isn't dirty, just messy. I have a lot of things, but not a lot of shelves or places to put things. Without a dryer, the only way to dry my clothes was to lay them out to air dry. I knew Pam wouldn't judge me too harshly, but it had been years since she'd been to my place and I wanted her to be impressed with the strides I'd made with the blank canvas I'd been given.

She came in carrying an Aldi bag. I quickly introduced Pam and Zane to each other and then went to rinse my hair while they worked on setting it up. I was just finishing blow drying my hair when Pam told me that she was ready whenever I was.

Pam knows how much I like Wicked; she'd spent the week sending me teaser pictures, trying to picque my curiousity. I'm the kind of person that always appreciates a gift, even if it isn't something I want; the fact that someone cared enough about me to spend their time and money on me meant more than the actual gift itself. This time, though, she really came through.

She had used what looked like tissue paper to make pink and green flowers, as well as gotten two plastic black witch brooms, on which she'd affixed green and purple bows. There was also green and purple tinsel that she had planned to affix to my front door frame but was disappointed when she remembered that my door opened out, not in; I assured her that we would figure something out. Pam had rounded off the decorations with green tassels and a poster from Wicked: Part One.

I was touched that she had dedicated so much time and energy to ensuring that I liked my gift. I could only imagine how long she had spent tying the bows and making the flowers; it was certainly out of my realm of comprehension. I hoped that my appreciation was conveyed appropriately, especially given how tired I was and how much I just wanted to take some Melatonin and sleep.

Zane went to start my car while I finished getting ready. I popped my contacts in and tried my best to style my hair; unfortunately, my hair had decided to be uncooperative, resulting in an even messier recreation of David Tennant's signature hairstyle - sans sideburns - as the Tenth Doctor on Doctor Who. The majority of it looked decent - in my opinion - but I was annoyed that one chunk of my bangs decided to curl up and to the side, giving me a weird spiky horn. After five minutes of trying to salvage it, I threw in the towel, tried to set it with hairspray and we left. If we'd had more time, I would have just gotten it wet and started over, but it was already past five o'clock and I had shopping to do before the movie.

As we walked into Walmart, I joked that the outfit that I was wearing was probably the most normal thing that anyone there had seen me in in ages: no fancy labels, just average clothes. I did have on my pair of earrings that were a replica of Glinda's bubble earrings from Wicked: For Good, but other than that I actually looked like a normal person for once. It had been so long since I'd forgone any kind of glamour through designer labels, even something as small as Givenchy earrings.

I quickly grabbed everything I needed - and a few things I didn't - before we had to get to the theater. Zane insisted on buying me a little Tiffany doll from Bride of Chucky that I wanted. I wasn't sure how much it was, but I didn't want to take advantage of his kindness, especially when he was unemployed. I'd be lying if I said that I didn't enjoy getting gifts, though.

We ended up sitting in the row in the very back of the theater, right behind a group of three annoying teenaged girls. Normally, I'd have opted to sit as far as humanly possible from them, but the back row - dead center - was my preferred seat. I wasn't going to forgo that just because some dumb teens happened to want to watch the same movie as we did.

We cuddled during the movie: holding hands, me holding Zane's thigh, Zane putting his leg across my lap and his head on my shoulder. It was a nice but unfamiliar experience for me; I wasn't used to guys liking me at all, let alone still liking after we'd slept together and after seeing how truly awkward of a person I am.

We were both starving after the movie; we decided to go to Burger King again. This time, Zane got a meal instead of just the sandwich, so he didn't have to help himself to my fries and drink. Fast food probably wasn't the best option given my delicate stomach, but a Whopper with cheese is worth whatever gastrointestinal stress I might face in the future.

It had snowed during the movies and while the accumulation was supposed to be less than an inch, seeing snow on the roads made me nervous and brought back trauma from the winter night in 2014 when I'd ended up in the ditch on the way home from work. I told Zane that we needed to hurry up in Meijer; he offered to drive my car back for me if I was too nervous to do it.

Meijer was rather uneventful; I really only needed milk, my strawberry kiwi drink, and some of the vegetable chips I loved. Still, we perused the books and clothes sections. I couldn't help but groan with dismay when we got to the checkout and saw that the furry was manning the station. It had been over a month since I'd last seen him at the checkout; why now was he back there? Zane caught a glimpse of him and snickered. "That's the furry? That weird looking guy with the lesbian haircut?"

While we were checking out, the furry started walking toward me with purpose. I tried to keep my head down and make it look like Zane and I were having a fabulous conversation. As he got near, Zane reached over and caressed my ass, eliciting a squeal of laughter from me. The furry quickly moved on, hopefully getting the hint.

"Have a good night," the furry said as we walked past him toward the doors.

"Thanks, you, too," I replied over my shoulder. "Is he looking?" I whispered to Zane, who tried to casually look back without making it obvious.

"Yep."

"Was he looking at you or me?"

"I don't know. I tried not to full on turn and look at him."

"I don't know why he thinks we're friends," I lamented, pushing the cart out into the arctic cold of the parking lot.

"Well, he saw me rubbing your ass, so I don't think he thinks that...."

"No, I mean he and I. I don't know why he thinks I even want to talk to him. I'm clearly uncomfortable whenever he tries to talk to me."

"He wants to tell you all about how expensive his fur suit is," Zane joked.

"God!" I exclaimed. "I just don't get it. That whole thing is weird to me."

"My ex was a furry."

"I don't get why someone would want to dress up like an animal to have sex," I said as I loaded my groceries into the back seat of my car.

"It wasn't about sex."

"Then, what? He just wanted to dress up like an animal for fun?"

"No. He'd never actually done it. He just said that he found it intriguing."

Zane put the cart back in the corral for me as I started the car and willed the heat to kick in as fast as humanly possible.

The drive home wasn't bad; I passed a few people going significantly under the speed limit. I tried not to judge them too harshly, since I always try to err on the side of caution, but even I could see that the roads were fine.

"Are you planning on staying the night again or are you going home?" I asked when we were about halfway back to my place.

"I don't know. I don't want you to lose sleep because of me."

"It's fine. It's usually just the first few times. I have to get used to having someone in bed with me. It's usually just the cats."

"I don't know. I'm worried my car my break down."

Earlier that afternoon, Zane and I had run to the dollar store for a lint roller and some command strips; his car had chugged a little on the way back, raising his hackles. He said that the car had had transmission problems before he'd bought it, but that he didn't see the point in sinking that much money into a car when he could just drive it until it died and then get a new one.

When we got back to my place, Zane helped carry the groceries in; while I put them away, he looked around at my apartment. "Doesn't it look so much better in here?" he asked, proudly.

"It does, thank you." I smiled. "Let's see how long it takes before it gets undone behind you."

I crawled into bed, but Zane stayed standing up. "I'm going to head home," he said, doing a mental check to make sure that he had everything. "My dog is probably sad without me."

"Probably."

I was laying on my stomach - unintentionally - but I got a thrill when Zane started rubbing my ass cheeks. "Okay, put those away. I have to go," he said, as if I was forcing him to stay.

"Oh?" I grinned devilishly as I pulled my pants down, exposing my bare cheeks; I knew he'd be unable to resist.

"Nooooo," he wailed jokingly.

I felt the bed shift as he knelt behind me. His hands roamed over my furry cheeks before he buried his face in it. I had my head in the pillow, breathing heavily as he alternately licked me and tried to slip a finger in.

When my arms started to get shaky and sore, I sat up. "I really want to try putting a finger in you," he said, looking at me intently.

I wasn't sure if I actually wanted to, but I figured a finger couldn't hurt. I got him the lube and got back into the position. There was the now familiar discomfort as he tried to press the finger in, and then the slight burning sensation as the hole stretched to accommodate him. I breathed through it; it didn't really hurt, but it was uncomfortable for me given my stomach issues and my automatic association with any sensation down there with one of my attacks.

His finger hit my prostate and I groaned. It didn't feel pleasurable, really, it just felt like I had to pee.

"Is it okay?" he asked.

"I feel like I have to pee," I admitted, glad that he couldn't see my face.

"That's normal."

"But I'm not sure if I actually have to pee now, or if it's just because of your finger. I haven't pissed since we left the theater and I have been drinking pop. Normally I have to pee a lot when I drink anything but water."

"Do you want to try to go pee?"

"Sure."

I got up and scurried into the bathroom. I tried, but nothing came out; the sensation had ceased entirely. It was something that I was going to have to get used to if I wanted to be fair to Zane and let him have his turn as the top.

Back in bed, Zane put a finger in me again. "Do you like it at all?" he asked.

"I don't know," I confessed. "It's just uncomfortable for me with my stomach issues. It makes me feel like I need to go to the bathroom."

"I'm quite familiar with the feeling of things in my butt; I'm used to it. We can stop if you want."

"It's fine."

I let him finger me for another few minutes. Although the burning sensation had vanished, I couldn't feel myself relaxing enough to even possibly enjoy it; all I could do was panic that I was about to have one of my attacks.

Zane stopped and went into the bathroom to wash his hands. While he was gone I threw on some sweat pants and a light shirt.

"Okay, I'm going to head out now," he said, leaning in for a kiss.

"I'll walk you out," I assured him, slipping into my shoes.

We walked out to threshold between my garage and the parking lot. "Well, you've walked me out," he said, turning to me, eyes aglow.

"To the door, at least," I replied, smiling.

He leaned in and we brushed our lips together briefly. "Bye! Thanks for taking me on a date."

"You're welcome. Thanks for eating me out, and the doll."

"You're welcome."

"Be safe!"

"I will!"

I waited until he drove off before heading back inside. As I got back into my warm apartment, I looked around and felt an odd sensation wash over me. Did I miss him already? Had I really hoped that he would stay the night again? It was true that I was grateful for the opportunity to fulfil my bodily functions uninhibitedly, but I realized that the only company I had left was my cats. I hadn't had more than ten minutes to myself since before he'd come over the night before.

Later that night, we talked via Snapchat; Zane told me that he liked me - and my weirdness - and that he hoped that he could help break me out of my shell; he wanted us to find something to do together - outside of my bed - that we both liked.

With two dates with Zane under my belt, I felt more confident in things than I had with Max. I know that I still have work to do with allowing myself to be vulnerable and have emotions, but for the first time, I felt like maybe everything would be okay; maybe there was someone out there who wouldn't be put off by eccentricities and could actually find them endearing. I would have to continue to work my way out of my comfort zone, but there was a chance that this time it would lead to something good.

*This column is dedicated to my beloved baba boy, Alistair, who passed away a few hours after this was written. Daddy loves you so much, Babas; I miss you so much already. *