The Book of Necessities

My soul mate was here and then he wasn’t. He left in the most normal of circumstances, proving that our love wasn’t the slightest bit rare. When our relationship became rocky, I turned back to my spiritual practices that reminded me of who I really was. He turned to Sheila from three cubicles over. I didn’t realize at the time that my reclaiming of myself would be more damaging of the two.

Half of me felt untethered and broken, seeing shambles around me and whiplash from a life that was no longer mine. But my better half felt broken open and on fire with the woman I could finally become. This was the woman who held hope in her clutches. Hope in one hand and a cell phone with a “call ended” screen in the other.

My mind was reeling from the phone call with his lawyer. My ticket out of this life, out of this broken mess was twenty thousand dollars. My pockets and bank account had never felt so lonely. I drove to my best friend’s house, she always seemed to have the answers. Guru answered the door, took one look at my forlorn face and said, “I’ll make some tea.”

She led me to her sanctuary, her kitchen table, and placed two mugs in front of us. We sat down in silence, listening to the kettle trying to find the guts to boil.

Guru: “What’s your greatest need right now?”

Me: “I need to buy him out of the house, I have some money saved but I need twenty grand to keep my house my home. My world as I’ve known it is falling away and I can’t have my home disappear, too. I can only handle so much change.”

Guru: “Sweet one, the deal with evolving means you’ll shed parts of your life a thousand times over again. You always have a choice though. You can stay put in your surroundings and try to compress yourself, not burning anything to the ground. Or the rattling inside you becomes too loud to contain and you’re forced to break free. The result of this freedom means your life will look profoundly different because you are profoundly different. There’s always a choice though. It just depends on how loud you’re rattling.”

Me: “I think you can hear me from across the table.”

Guru smiled to herself and then left the kitchen without saying a word. When she sat back down, the energy in the room had shifted. The hair on my arms stood up and I could feel that I was on the precipice of a moment that would mark time as before and after. Guru held a small black notebook in her hands, stroking the cover as if endearing the object to her.

Guru: “This is 'The Book of Necessities.' We create our reality, every part of it. The good, the bad, it’s all a reflection of our creation, yes?” I nodded with desperate conviction. “There’s only one rule to this book, it’s written on the first page. Follow the instructions and return the book to me when you’re done. This is the last time you’ll ever experience this moment, so get busy living a new one.” She gave me a kiss on my forehead as a blessing of compassion.

I drove to my sacred spot. The bench by the sprawling lake was my place of solitude before I knew him. I’d always bring a book and sunglasses, both of them were just props for wanting to look normal while meditating in a public setting. Now when I walked to my bench I saw it as the spot where I thought he was going to propose. Luckily, our story didn’t make it to that milestone, but a house is as good as a diamond ring choking a finger. When you’re in love you sign legally binding documents that anchor two lives into one. When you realize your relationship has reached an expiration date and you’re living in quicksand, it’s not so simple to reclaim your life as an individual. Get it together, this a new moment. Look at the lake, the ducks are completely content, just focus on what’s in your line of vision. Breathe in the air, breathe out the past.

The final memory rushed through my mind without my consent:

I was wrapped in a towel, just out of the shower and sitting on the edge of our bed. He was pacing back and forth, taking up all of the space around me. “I’m done apologizing. I have one indiscretion and you go off the rails for months? You can’t keep punishing me when you pushed me away in the first place.”

I knew this was the final moment, what months of my spiral of confusion and heartbreak were destined for. It wasn’t about forgiveness, it was about outgrowing. He couldn’t see that he had initiated setting us both free. “I can’t pretend to be the woman who I was before this.”

To solidify our ending, he said, “well, I don’t want the stranger sitting in front of me.” He slammed the bedroom door and I saw the droplets of water my wet hair had left on the bedspread.

I was back at the lake, the ducks somehow looked even more content. Bastards. I reached into my bag and pulled out The Book of Necessities. I opened the black cover and inscribed on the first soft page was written: Write The Truth. I thought I was opening a book that would give me answers, but only blank pages stared back at me.

The book asked me for the truth, and it turns out that was the only thing I was qualified for at the moment. So, I wrote:

I couldn’t be the person you needed me to be. I couldn’t turn back into our old life as if I wasn’t brimming with a new one. I couldn’t betray myself any longer because it would undoubtedly destroy me. I’m sorry for hurting you and I’m sorry that you couldn’t understand my language anymore. I hate that you left. I wish you could’ve grown with me. I’m heartbroken for both of us, I didn’t think our story would end this way. I wish we could saw our house in two so the neighbors would see what heartbreak looks like. I wish I had twenty thousand dollars to pay off my debt to you. I want to settle the last of our ties between us. I loved you. You loved me. Let’s both escape as unscathed as possible.

I took a deep breath and felt more breathing room inside my lungs. The wind picked up around me and the pages of the notebook raced towards each other. The black cover gracefully closed, like a deal marked complete, like closure in motion. I put the notebook inside of my purse, took one last glance at the lake and walked to my car.

Walking up to Guru’s house, the wind howled and the trees shook. I handed her the notebook and all she said was, “And so it is.”

This day had seemed never-ending. I finally found my way back to my house, my own sanctuary, and saw his moving boxes scattered everywhere. He wasn’t there, he hadn’t really been there for a long time though. I saw the missing guitar from the corner and the blank wall where our favorite candid shot had hung. This must be what the limbo of heartbreak looks like. I sat on the sofa that remained and closed my eyes. I started to picture what my new life would look like, how I’d feel and how I’d think. I saw more light streaming through the windows, I saw a smile on my face and heard my favorite Dylan song ringing truth into my ears. I felt excitement that I could create anything I wanted because no rules were holding me in place. I felt like this was all going to be worth it. I looked happy and free and new memories adorned my surrounding walls. My phone dinged, interrupting my intentional premonitions.

It was a message from Him, all it said was, “I don’t know where you got the money, but I guess we’re even now. You always loved the house more. Good luck with everything.”

I stared at his message, not comprehending what he meant and too stunned to decide whether his tone was compassionate or cynical. I immediately called Guru.

Me: “I don’t understand what just happened. The house is somehow mine. Did you pay him for me? Are you secretly loaded?”

In typical Guru fashion, she didn’t answer my question.

Guru: “Did you write all of the truth?”

Me: “Yes.”

Guru: “Then you got exactly what you needed. It wasn’t about the money, it was never about the money, it was about freedom. We know that necessity differs upon perspective, just as truth does. This path is the harder choice, to take inventory of your life and want to change is no small feat. But it’s worth it.”

Me: “I...I get that. But where did the money come from?”

Guru: “Sweet one, was the fire inside of you brighter than the fire around you?”

Me: “It looks that way.”

Guru: “Then your flames must have conjured your freedom.”

I hung up and felt just as stunned. The room was lulled in silence, the wind had stopped. Could my longings really be conjured from thin air? Could a truth that didn't exist become reality? I looked around the room and saw light streaming through the windows, I felt excited that I could create anything I wanted because no rules were holding me in place. I felt like this was all going to be worth it.