The Black Woman and Racism: A Personal Reflection

I grew up with white friends, and I know that sounds familiar, but I genuinely did. One of my first best friends was a sweet girl named Maria who wore thick glasses and had beautiful brown hair. Tragically, she lost her life in a hit-and-run accident, a loss that deeply affected me. I attended a predominantly white Southern Baptist Christian school where we all got along well, and I personally never experienced racism during those years. Yes, I grew up in South Carolina where racism is deeply embedded in the culture, but somehow it remained hidden from my immediate experience.

When I moved to Texas, the subtle racist remarks became part of my culture shock.

I’m not blind to what happens in America, but growing up in my environment has shielded me from certain realities. I began noticing a troubling trend: people making offensive comments but laughing them off as if that made them acceptable.

Let me share a few examples:

The Dollar General Incident

My son and I were shopping at Dollar General when a random Hispanic girl approached him and asked if he knew where the weed was. I can only assume this was because he has locs and is Black. My son has never smoked or consumed alcohol, so the assumption was both baseless and offensive.

Dental Work

During a dental extraction, the dentist began the procedure before I was fully numb. My mouth was held open with a tool, preventing me from speaking, so I waved my hands frantically to communicate that I wasn’t ready. His response? “Hey, don’t start fighting me.” It took a Black nurse noticing my tears to realize I was trying to tell them I wasn’t adequately numbed. He apologized, and they numbed me again before continuing.

The Police Stop

In 2019, shortly after moving to Texas, I was cooking at home in casual clothes when I had to rush out to pick up my son from school. Two female officers, one Hispanic and one Black pulled me over. The Black officer asked if we were “doing something illegal.” She claimed I ran a stop sign, which I know I didn’t. My son had locs and a bookbag & I don’t know what she assumed from that. I spent nearly 30 minutes in my apartment complex parking lot trying to convince her I lived there, despite having a North Carolina license I hadn’t yet updated. Her Hispanic partner held a gun on my son and our dog during this encounter. It took my landlord coming out and showing proof of my lease on her phone before they finally let us go inside.

Facebook Marketplace Pickup

I was picking up a Christmas gift for my son in a wealthy neighborhood and admired the beautiful homes. I asked the seller about the pricing for the new construction behind her house. She responded, “Oh, those are $315,000, but they have cheaper ones across the street for $180,000.”

Sam’s Club Checkout

I ordered $900 worth of groceries at Sam’s Club to stock up for a while. Despite my son and me being well-dressed, wearing nice jewelry, and presenting ourselves well, the cashier asked “EBT or debit?”, even as I held out my debit card.

The Workplace Comment

A white coworker recently told me I reminded him of Benita Butrell from “In Living Color.” I had no idea who that was until I looked it up.

The Therapy Session

Most recently, during a session with an Asian therapist, he asked about my past and current drug use. I explained I take only antidepressants and Excedrin. He followed up with, “No weed?” I responded, “Yes, as a Black person, I’ve never been a weed smoker. Are you shocked?” Later, when discussing my anxiety about my son’s safety, particularly given the loss of his father, the therapist said, “I understand that anxiety is heavy when it comes to your son, and even if he’s out partying, you have to keep in mind that he will do the right thing.” I clarified that my son doesn’t party; I was referring to his trips to anime stores and the mall with friends.

He lost me as a client after that session.

My Perspective

I don’t believe every person who makes comments like these is intentionally racist, but I do believe they’re operating from preconceived notions about a race they know little about beyond what they’ve seen on television or absorbed from stereotypes. Not all Black women are on EBT. Not all Black women are confrontational or “ratchet.” Not all Black women are looking for shortcuts or the cheapest option. Not all Black men are felons, drug users, or looking for the next party or woman.

Let’s focus on Black women for a moment: we are thriving in education, in our careers, in our finances and we are not the stereotypes you’ve assigned to us. I’m mature enough to recognize that every race has individuals who don’t represent the best of their community, but it would be foolish to assume everyone is the same because of a few bad actors.

We must start thinking before we speak and before we assume. These assumptions make you look ignorant, even if you don’t mean any harm. I genuinely love and appreciate people, which makes it especially difficult to process being treated this way or to wrap my mind around this level of ignorance and unconscious bias.

We must commit to researching and learning about other cultures before we speak out of turn.

Moving Forward

Let’s respect each other and stop making hate-fueled assumptions.

We need to BE better than this.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​