Rediscovering Myself After a Toxic Relationship

The other day at Walmart, a man smiled at me and began walking in my direction.

I immediately rushed outside to the parking lot and hid behind a brick wall near the shopping carts until he went back inside. He was handsome, exactly my type, but I didn’t have the courage or confidence to talk to him.

As someone who’s had boyfriends since grade school, I find it fascinating how drastically my perspective on men has shifted. It’s remarkable how you can go from being completely male centered to becoming a dating hermit. I’m not shy and I communicate well and have no problem talking to men in general. However, I’ve realized that despite years of therapy, I need to address the root of my fear of dating.

We’ve all been hurt by someone, but my last relationship profoundly affected both my mind and heart. I don’t even think I was genuinely in love with him, but I was honest and vulnerable in that relationship, which is where the frustration stems from.

In the past, many of my relationships were based on LIES AND LUST.

I had to be honest with myself and admit that I’ve only truly been in love once and that’s when I was 26 years old. I’ve been in other relationships before and after, but they weren’t love. I can admit that I cheated, lied, deceived, and manipulated, though I can’t fully explain why. I don’t know if it was a character flaw, personal demons, or simply some twisted form of entertainment. As I matured and committed to my faith, I became a better person and vowed never to repeat those behaviors in my next relationship.

I met my ex three years after recommitting to my faith, during a time when I was living a quiet, abstinent life free from manipulation and dishonesty. I told him I wouldn’t lie to or hurt him, and he promised me the same. What frustrates me most is that he did everything to me that I had done in my past relationships. Was this reaping what I’d sown or did I simply ignore God’s warning about him? I wasn’t even physically attracted to him initially, but I loved the idea of being a girlfriend again and doing things right. I wonder if, deep down, it was a GAME for both of us. The point is, I was authentic with him the entire time, and I resent that my authenticity was wasted.

I haven’t dated anyone seriously since 2018 because I cut things off at the first sign of trouble. I recognize that it’s not healthy either, as we’re all working in progress trying to navigate life. I fear that being alone for so long has made me comfortable with solitude, yet I still crave companionship. I just don’t want to lose myself or my peace of mind in another relationship. I think I anticipate problems and leave once they appear, without attempting to work through them.

The last man I dated, I genuinely liked. We were consistent with our calls and FaceTime sessions, and I even told my mother about him. However, he did several things that made me feel he was trying to use me. Honestly, I can’t articulate exactly what he was trying to use me for, but I felt he wasn’t being genuine. I blocked him and didn’t speak to him for a few days. He called from his mother’s phone and confronted me, telling me I was immature, unhealed, and childish. Normally I would argue back, but this time I had nothing to say.

We started talking again after I unblocked him, and everything seemed to be improving. A month later, I blocked him again, then unblocked him a few days after that. He reached out and said, “Ray, I love hard, and you’re not willing to allow me to love you, so I respectfully bow out.” I never heard from him again.

The relationship wouldn’t have worked even if I had wanted it to, because I scrutinized everything he did until it became unbearable for him. As I move forward with the life changes, I’m making, I’m committed to addressing these fears in therapy and uncovering the root of my dating issues. God desires marriage for us, but He won’t send my husband to someone who hasn’t healed. It’s time to do the work and overcome these obstacles.

I can’t keep blaming my ex for my fears, or I can mature and confront them.

PTSD in relationships is real, but I suspect there’s something deeper that I haven’t yet discovered.

I will say this: ignoring red flags can permanently change your life and your mind.

You can EITHER HEAL, SHIFT BLAME, or DO THE WORK but at the end of the day your happiness all depends on YOU.