The Biggest Obstacle To A Happy Relationship

Although the underlying causes for break-ups are unknown, there are some common issues which cause the most conflict, affecting partners in different ways. The main one is unrealistic expectation within the relationship.

Expectations are transmitted directly by what we hear, and indirectly by what we see. A new relationship in the same space brings expectations to life and will develop problems when those expectations are unreasonable. Our desire for security and perfection breeds the most unrealistic expectations which we then wait upon, in vain, to be fulfilled by our partners. Of course, they won't, and the first stirrings of dissatisfaction begin. Conflicts caused by unexpressed and unfulfilled expectations are very common and can lead to eventual reak up.

It all starts when couples begin their relationships because they tend to bring many unrealistic expectations with them, perhaps a desire for perfection, and mismatched objectives, expecting their partner to deliver. Naturally, when those expectations remain unfulfilled or are ignored, disappointment - followed by resentment and possibly anger - set in. Once there is disillusion, it is hard to get back the feel-good times of the earlier days. Resentment and 'victimhood' tend to take over because unfulfilled expectations breed disappointment and disillusion. When we expect too much of partners which they cannot realistically fulfil, they are likely to feel inadequate, while we feel disappointed in them.

Unrealistic expectations

 also tend to have a gender bias. For example, some women come to their marriages expecting to change their men soon afterwards into their 'ideal', while some men expect their partners to physically remain the same forever! Neither expectation is possible, but these are classic examples of the expectations we bring with us to relationships that are never likely to be fulfilled, instead of coming with open minds and being prepared to compromise and negotiate. Often takers within the relationship are so entrenched in their expectations, the other person's desires cease to matter. In such situations, conflict and divorce are not far off.

Discuss Innermost Feelings

Generally, if people are living with incompatible partners, that's when the expectations take on a life of their own by being the source of resentment as parties do not live up to what is expected of them. This is when lots of communication becomes necessary. Partners or dates cannot read minds, so be clear about what you expect, otherwise you'll both have trouble working as a team. Share your perspectives with each other, which means being totally honest and discussing innermost feelings, hopes, strengths and weaknesses long before setting up home together.

In order to have a good relationship, the positives must outweigh the negatives by a large percentage. If negativity is creeping into your relationship it also crowds out the positive. It is like water seeping through walls, eventually weakening the structure. People usually feel motivated around others who are positive and energising, as well as those who help them to feel good about themselves. However, pushing aside or neglecting to address real problems is not the answer either, and can be just as harmful to the relationship.

It is a good habit to stop for a moment when you're disappointed, to ask yourself what you expected and compare it to what you actually received. The difference in fulfilment and expectation will reveal the gap in perception between you and your date/partner, as well as the room for resentment. Noting the degree of discrepancy, which may be unconsciously affecting your relationship, will help you to adjust future expectations, instead of continuing to hope for futile change. It is worth remembering that our partners cannot fulfil all our needs, so personal expectations cannot be too selfish or unreal.

If you find yourself increasingly fault-finding, criticising or withdrawing, you need to stop and really reflect on the effects of those actions, which could be counter-productive. A relationship is supposed to make BOTH people happy, to be better than living on one's own. If it's not happening for you, strive to communicate effectively, to praise much more and to practise balanced negotiation to get what you hope for. Always try to be reasonable in what you expect – that way you will sometimes get a pleasant surprise, rather than being unreasonable and disappointed.

To achieve happiness in a relationship keep the expectations, especially of perfection, to a minimum. In this way we won't be judging partners purely by what we expect, or what they have not done. They will be fully accepted and loved as they are, with all their 'flaws'. If they are doing that for us, too, there will be more empathy, greater understanding, more negotiation, lots of reciprocity and a whole lot more love!

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