Thank you, Sam

This is an entry I wrote for the "Letters of Gratitude Challenge". It's pretty intense and there's a content advisory so be forewarned.

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Hey Sam,

It feels a bit strange to write a letter to myself, but honestly, it’s about time I did this. First off, I really want to commend you for seeking help back in 2017. You were in such a dark place, filled with anger and hurt, but you took the brave step to find a therapist who turned out to be an absolute lifesaver. For seven years, she helped you heal that sad, broken little girl inside. So, thank you. Seriously, give yourself some credit—you made it happen!

I also want to recognize that life hasn’t been easy for you. Experiencing sexual assault at just 5 years old was only the beginning. You grew up without knowing your dad, and people told you he struggled with mental illness. You had no real proof, just your gut feeling. You met him a handful of times, but you could sense he cared for you, especially when he sang "Make the World Go Away" by Eddie Arnold. You knew he was a good man, a veteran. Now that you’re older, you realize there are around 32,000 veterans facing homelessness in the U.S., including about 14,000 who are unsheltered. You understand now that he couldn’t protect you because no one was there to protect him either.

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You spent so many years feeling guilty for what happened to you, thinking it was your fault for being sexually assaulted. But honestly, you have no real clue about what those men, those so-called "Uncles," said to you. You can’t remember if they warned you not to tell anyone because someone might get hurt, or if they made threats about your dog. It’s all a blur. You never opened up to anyone, and there’s a reason for that, but it’s likely something we’ll never fully understand. In the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t really matter why you didn’t speak up or run away. You were just a kid, and they were the adults. They started this mess early on and taught you all the wrong lessons. It doesn’t change the fact that it took you 57 years to start healing. What matters is that you’re here NOW! You’ve realized you’re not to blame. You were a victim, but now you’re a SURVIVOR!

I get that you’re angry. But you have to come to terms with the fact that you can’t get those years back. You can’t rewind time to be a regular kid with good grades, caring parents, and a safe home. You can’t experience dorm life, go to college, or spend holidays with your parents. And you definitely can’t bring them back. That’s just not going to happen. So, it’s time to look ahead. I’m not saying you should forget; I know that’s impossible. Just keep doing what you’re doing. Go to therapy, and help others understand that if they’ve been sexually assaulted, it’s never their fault. NO means NO. The self-blame is the hardest part, and you can guide others to let go of that. But you need to release the anger. It’s not doing you any good. Taking it out on others won’t change your past or give you the childhood or college experience you missed out on.

You’ve got this, Sam. Dig deep and find that inner strength. Write it all down. Keep a journal. Lean on Racheal; she’s always had your back. Remember, your biggest strength is that you’ve been through so much and come out the other side. You’re here to help others now. You know the stats: about 1 in 5 girls and 1 in 13 boys face sexual abuse during childhood. One in 10 kids will be sexually assaulted before turning 18, and around 34% of those victims are under 12. Share this with every mom you know. Let them understand that it’s often not a stranger, but someone close—a neighbor, an ice cream vendor, or even a brother. And when someone opens up to you, do what you know is right: listen first, then believe them without a second thought.

I know it's hard, but be proud of yourself. You are what you've got. You are your own family. You have made this far and you can do better, push yourself to do your best. Don't let anger and depression groom your attitude, you've had enough bad grooming for a lifetime. You. Are. A. Survivor. Be proud of yourself.

Love, Sam

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If you know someone, or someone tells you they are or have been sexually assaulted let them know they can call: 1-800-656-HOPE (4673) or for more information click here: Help and Resources

For more about my healing journey, read my ongoing memoir:

Thank you if you read this, I know it's a hard subject. But I guess it's the hard things that make us stronger, innit? - Sam