satire
Relationship satire can be cathartic; when love hurts too much, just laugh.
Love Letter to the Weights in my Living Room
To the weights in my living room...I don’t hate you. I want us to be friends. I want us to hang out everyday and have a good relationship like we used to. Whether you mean to or not, you remind me daily of everything that I am not doing. I am not working out, I am not getting stronger. I am not taking care of myself the way that I should. You sit there so patiently, waiting. Like a well behaved kid, watching me, just waiting for me to get your juice. I see you, I see you watching me. You don’t judge me, but you make me judge myself. When are we going to get past this awkwardness? Everyday I think to myself, today is the day that I will do it. I will pick you up, flex and pull, lift you high above my head and feel so accomplished when I am done. I will become the badass b*tch that I aspire to be. But then the day comes and goes and you sit there. I go about my day and my night. Cooking unhealthy meals, cleaning (well actually the husband cleans), washing the laundry but never folding it, working, taking care of the kids, the needy dog, scrolling on my phone for hours watching mom tik toks and sending them to everyone, watching meaningless tv, eating everything from healthy to junk food and going about my everyday habits of which you are not a part of. The seasons and the holidays pass, month to month, year to year and rarely do you move except for the occasionally dusting. Maybe I am being dramatic. This year 2021 was pretty good at the beginning. We started off well and I was beginning to notice a difference but now, here we are in November and it’s like we don’t even know each other. You’ve grown so cold, what happened to us? What is it going to take for us to connect again? I think about you daily and how happy we could be together if I just made you a priority. I know you would return the affection and things would continue to move in a positive direction. Maybe it’s the fear of failure, because so many times we have started and then faded out. Maybe I just don’t know where and how to start again. But it’s up to me, you are only there for me, literally doing nothing but waiting for me to make the first move, again. The possibilities with you are endless and maybe I should think the same about myself. I really like running and writing and I do those things. So why is it so hard to make time for you too? I will make this my declaration. From this day forward, I will clear my calendar out, get all the pretty markers to decorate and create a plan! I will put you on my calendar 3 to 5 days a week. We can’t fail again. I can’t wait for motivation, I am motivated as strange as that sounds. I am motivated and I want to put it into action.It must be discipline that keeps me going. I have heard that so many times and I know that it is true because I have done it before. But by before I mean, before kids and before aging so much. Before my bladder started leaking and my bones started aching. So, here we go. Are you ready? Are you with me? I am going to get my fancy water bottle, fill it up, throw my hair into a pony and it’s going down! YOU and ME, unstoppable baby! But right after my nap. Kidding, I'm kidding. LET'S GO!
By Shanon Canuto4 years ago in Humans
Beep
Disclaimer: I wrote this some time ago and I wonder now about the effect of technology not just on how we communicate and reach out to each other, but also on how we process information. If you read this very carefully, you can imagine being on the receiving end of these messages (one minute of a life). I hope that you appreciate it...
By Kendall Defoe 4 years ago in Humans
15 Relationship Red Flags as Told by the Personages of Greek Mythology
We’ve all heard the old adage that the heart wants what it wants. But how do you know if your heart is pining after a mere siren song, or the real deal? Here’s what fourteen dating and relationship experts from antiquity have to say about romantic liaisons to steer clear of!
By Katie Alafdal4 years ago in Humans
24 Hours with an Unlimited Income and No Requirement to Pay it Back
I would have a very busy day if I had 24 hours with an unlimited income. One that I didn’t have to pay back. First, I would wake up early, so that I had as much time as I could to get things done. I would go online and pay all of my bills. I might even pay a couple of bills ahead of time.
By Nicole Higginbotham-Hogue4 years ago in Humans
Homophoniacs
The amber candlelight flickered, and the shadowed daggers nicked their faces as they sipped wine in the Cafe Americana. Amy and Grant viewed themselves as close seconds to Hugh Grant and Renee Zellwinger. Their strong egos, and too much alcohol, enhanced the illusion. Three emptied vino bottles proved the validity of their case most nights.
By J. S. Wade4 years ago in Humans
Winter Vest Wearing Man Found Dead of Frostbite
A man wearing a winter vest was found dead of frostbite this morning near the sleepy town of Chenowith Hills, OH. Paramedics who responded to the seen reported that the man’s arms had frozen solid, completely cutting of normal circulation. “Perhaps not surprisingly for a winter vest wearing individual, the man’s back, chest, and stomach remained warm the entire time, but unfortunately it simply was not enough to stave off the bitter cold that ultimately killed him” said paramedic Tom Stevens, the first to arrive at the scene. Mr. Stevens continued “Let this serve as a warning to others who might consider a winter vest warm enough to protect you during the winter. That is simply not the case, and it is all too easy to be lulled into a false sense of security by the warmth you feel in your mid upper body. Never forget that with a winter vest on your arms are completely exposed to the elements.” After a brief pause Mr. Stevens concluded “Now that I think about the entire idea of a winter vest really doesn’t make a lot of sense does it?” The man’s family has said that he and his vest will be cremated next Tuesday and Chenowith Hills Funeral Home on East Main St. near the Dairy Queen.
By Everyday Junglist4 years ago in Humans
The SWAMP Joke project.
The SWAMP Joke project. As a writing exercise, I want to see IF I could write racist jokes. Obviously, as a Straight White Alpha Male Privileged and as a liberal, I don’t want to write racist jokes but as a writer wanting to stretch themselves, I do.
By Ross E Fortune Lombardi4 years ago in Humans
How To Hire Good Copywriters & Content Writers, Probably
Is your business ready to take the plunge and hire a writer? Congratulations! This is an enormous positive step in the right direction, as it means you are well positioned to leverage the bountiful gobs of cash on offer if you tickle the udders of the great Google algorithm just right for that sweet, sweet ad revenue and SEO linkage.
By Tony White4 years ago in Humans
