satire

Relationship satire can be cathartic; when love hurts too much, just laugh.

Mothers. Laptops....JEALOUSY.
Hello Everyone! I'm sitting here in the cafe with my mother, who is utterly burning with jealousy. I bought a laptop off of my Brother (a good friend of mine from a previous job) and, of course, she is utterly jealous. My laptop is big, and its bold, and its....
By Ad-Libbing With The Z-Man4 years ago in Humans
I'm Having A Baby!
I’m having a baby! But before anyone reflexively offers congratulations, there is more to this announcement, which I’ll get to momentarily. First, I’ll share that I’m a 36 year old single woman, currently living with my parents.
By Maria Del Toral4 years ago in Humans
Why I do not know how to swim
I can't remember the year, I could calculate it because the pool lessons were happening when I was in the 4th and 5th grade. But I won't calculate it, I'm here to write not to do basic mathematics.
By Leonidas Ark4 years ago in Humans
China Admits Defeat in Secret War with America
China admitted defeat today in its 20 plus year secret war with America when it revealed that its ability to produce cheap goods and services could not keep up with seemingly unquenchable American demand for low priced tchotchke's and poor quality knick-knacks. The plan to flood the streets of America with ultra cheap consumer goods was said to be modeled on the CIAs much rumored but never confirmed plan to flood the streets of the inner city with crack cocaine in the 1980s in order to suppress a rising black populace that threatened the existing white power structure. Much like the CIA's beliefs about black youths and crack cocaine, the Chinese believed that American's would quickly become addicted to cheap crap. For both the CIA and the Chinese, the first part of the plan was a smashing success, but after those initial successes, the effectiveness of each plan began to diverge. While crack addicted black youths in the urban ghettos began to commit violent crime, drop out of school, and were sent to prison in record numbers exactly as the CIA had predicted, Americans were seemingly unfazed by their addiction to low priced knock off goods with humorously translated marketing and instructional content. While American consumer debt did balloon no collapse materialized and it was the Chinese that instead found themselves in an unsustainable position, unable to meet the continuing and growing American demand. Chinese economic Vice Mininster Wjen Zhanbo, said to be the brains behind the secret war said the following during his televised speech admitting the Chinese had been defeated. "While our secret war plan was brilliantly conceived and flawlessly executed we overlooked what now seems to be glaringly obvious, American's thirst for really shitty and poorly made crap is endless. Even the awesome power of the magnificent manufacturing machine that is Chinese industry was no match for American's lust for useless household goods and toys that break after thirty seconds of use. Ah well, hindsight is 20/20 they say."
By Everyday Junglist4 years ago in Humans
Monkey Sense
The sad tale I am about to relate makes my hands to tremble. It draws forth a bitter fore-taste in my mouth. I can see my friend on the other side of the river shaking his head in utter bewilderment.
By Archiebald Thornton4 years ago in Humans
People Who Are Unrelatable But Might Be Good enough to justify Our Time
Announcements The universe has an approach to sending us inconspicuous messages. One just requirement to tune in. I observe the messages very uncovering. I just called it the universe, however some of the time I say it is my body that I pay attention to.
By Zoya4 years ago in Humans
Munger Hall Debacle
Protest Performance Element The premise of my protest performance element revolves around the prevalent issues that cropped up upon the announcement of the implementation of the Munger Hall dormitory planned for UC Santa Barbara. The protest would take place on UCSB’s campus during a typical orientation event for incoming students, really targeting the fresh faces entering the student body as they’re getting their first real introduction to the campus scene. The head organizer of this protest would be dressed similar to that of the tour leaders (although not actually affiliated with the program) who are responsible for guiding new students all across campus. The head protester would be accompanied by a group of around fifteen to twenty individuals all in on the protest as well, consisting of adults posing as parents and younger individuals as students. The “parents” would be dressed in varied but regular clothing while the students would be adorned with the exact same, stand-out attires. The “students” would all possess UCSB soccer jerseys and shorts, resembling that of stereotypical jailbird clothing to appear as prisoners, reflecting the prison-esc nature Munger Hall exudes. Continuing this motif, the pretend students would all be shackled together as they journeyed all over UCSB’s campus, and have make-up resembling scuffed dirt splotches from their “hard labor”. The head protester, megaphone in hand, would loudly profess all about Munger Hall and what lies in store for the incoming students, speaking in a very passive-aggressive manner. Greater extent of the information can be found within the many brochures being passed out as well to serve as supplementary material for the attentive audience. The pretend parents would act ecstatic about the seemingly wonderful opportunity Munger Hall appears to bring, intentionally ignoring the feelings of their pretend soon-to-be students fully aware of the problematic implications brought on by its implementation. The “students” would simply mutter “Ole Ole Ole” in response, parodying that of the cheering during UCSB’s soccer games. This performance is designed to be an eye-catching but informative demonstration, the location and attire being instrumental in actively engaging the target audience while also standing as a great learning experience for the viewers.
By Josh Cook4 years ago in Humans
10 Reasons Vampires Make the Best Boyfriends
If you’ve ever thought about trading in your ordinary human boyfriend for that super hot and sexy vampire that you’re sure lives in the house down your street, you know, the one with the blacked out windows where no one is ever seen going in or out until dusk (except for their human servant), here’s all the reasons you need:
By Helen S4 years ago in Humans
For Forty-Nine Years I’ve Had the Reaper Breathing Down the Back of My Neck
1st February 1973 Mr. Morrigan We are pleased to inform you that the department of Scythes and Reaping has accepted your application for the position of Grim Reaper. Your robes and scythe will be couriered.
By Sandi Parsons4 years ago in Humans
Ready Salted
“Keep it simple stupid,” my inner monologue repeats for the third time since entering the shop. I swear it’s getting harder each time. Today it’s so bad I’m not even sure I want to be here let alone what I want. That’s always been the trick though, hasn’t it? Knowing what you actually want. “You can do anything you set your mind to.” Absolute killer advice for those of us past our prime and still not a scooby who, what, or where that “anything” is. I got a PHD in applied linguistics and still spent the last 2 minutes playing anxious visual ping pong between the Monster Munch and the McCoy’s.
By Fred Tschepp4 years ago in Humans
Would You Take Dating Advice from Nicolas Cage?
Nicolas Cage: The King of Giving Dating Advice Many moons ago, I wrote an article about what if Nicolas Cage had his own dating advice column. I thought it was a maddening and wonderful idea — like if a leviathan could be trained to do ballet or a behemoth taught how to drive a spaceship.
By Andrea Lawrence4 years ago in Humans
"Hamilton" at the Hollywood Pantages Theater is the Musical Worth Catching Covid For ... Right?
In 2020, the world fell ill due to the deadly virus which has been responsible for the death of millions of people around the world. Of course I'm talking about the COVID-19 virus which was first documented in China. Soon, it would invade every country on this planet and bring fear to all people, and for the first time in just over a century, create a pandemic that affected all of humankind.
By Thomas G Robinson4 years ago in Humans