Surviving the Storm

On March 31, 2021, my life changed with one TikTok video. The date happened to be my 9th wedding anniversary, and I had had enough of my marriage. The night before I made the video, I had a moment where it felt like a light switch had flipped in my brain and I was DONE in every single way. I had no more emotions, no more fear, and no further expectations of remedying the relationship.

The moment itself was tiny, and if you looked at it by itself, it wasn’t something anyone would end a marriage over. It wasn’t even a particularly cruel or abusive moment, and I had experienced so many of those before. It was just the moment that made me realize it was time for me to let go. I had mourned, I had grieved, I had fought with every ounce of strength I had to save the marriage, and I was ready to start fresh.

The next day I had a shower and was getting ready to go to work when I decided I was going to make a TikTok to document my moment of decision. I didn’t do my hair or my makeup. I started up the app and talked without much fore-thought. I told the story of my pivotal decision in very few words and said that I was done and moving on. I’m still not entirely sure why I chose to document that decision.

So what was that small decision that changed my entire life? What was the moment where I decided I was done and my “switch flipped”?

It was the night before our anniversary, and we were low on grocery items. I had just spent hours planning out what to make for dinners and lunches for the next week to 10 days, and I had sat down to complete the whole grocery order on the online app.

When I went to check out and choose a pick-up time, our usual time wasn’t available. I don’t drive due to a chronic illness and disability, so my ex would drive to the store, less than a kilometer away from our home, to pick up the order I had put in. The problem was, he only ever allowed the pick up time to be from between 4PM-5PM. He would refuse to go at any other time.

On that particular date, the 4PM-5PM slot was already taken up, and all that was left was between 6PM-7PM. We were out of a lot of items so I asked my ex if he would be willing to be a little bit flexible on the order time. He said no.

I explained that I totally understood why he didn’t want to go back out after work and acknowledged that it would take up a bit of time for him. But, I told him, I was really needing some of the items on the list and it would be so helpful if he could make an exception this once. I told him I would be happy with it as an anniversary gift to me, if he wanted to look at it that way. He said no.

I know what you’re thinking. He must have had some celebration planned for us and he didn’t want to ruin the surprise. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case.

Early on in our marriage, I used to plan out all of our anniversary celebrations. I would make reservations at a fancy restaurant, get us a nice wine or drink, and plan our evening together. Over the years, I began to realize that I was putting in all the effort and he simply soaked it up. There wasn’t a return of affection. It was all about him and for him. There was never any reciprocation. Once I had our first child, I ran out of energy to plan these dinner celebrations, and subsequently, everything stopped.

There were no flowers, no cards, no walks together, no quality time, no dinners, no meaningful moments, nothing. Our anniversary day, at most, turned into an ordering in, or a brief verbal acknowledgment in passing.

When I asked my ex if he had anything else planned for the day, he smirked at me. He smirked and he said no.

And that was that. The switch flipped. This man did not care for me. There had been such a slow devaluing of me and the relationship, I had barely noticed it happening until it was far too late. He had actively discouraged me from doing what I loved (like singing and writing and drawing), and called me names when I didn’t immediately do something he wanted. I had begged him to change and he only told me I was crazy. I was the problem. I was imagining everything.

I finally realized in this one tiny moment that he was never going to change. I was begging him for the absolute bare minimum of affection and he wasn’t willing to give it.

So, the moment itself was small, and it was also the end. It was the end of years of accepting crumbs from him. It was the end of me devaluing myself, my needs, and my own worth. The marriage was over. There were many things that happened leading up to this day of change for me. Abusive things. Traumatic things. Things I can’t think about right now without breaking down for days. Yet this one tiny moment of refusing to pick up the grocery order was the thing that finally tipped the scales.

Making a TikTok about my change in thinking was completely unplanned. And the results shocked me. I was a small creator with fewer than 2o00 followers when I made this video. I had NO idea it would hit the algorithm jackpot.

I went about my day and when I came back to relax and scroll a little later that day, I could hardly believe my eyes. I had 99+ notifications. Every time I checked them, the number kept jumping up again. There were people all over the world, in many different languages, who commented how much they could relate to that switch flip moment. There were thousands of comments from people just like me who had been through something similar.

I had people saying they were inspired by my strength, people saying they were cheering me on towards better things, people who sent love and said they were glad I had seen my worth. There were others who said they felt stuck and trapped in bad situations and that my video had given them hope that they, too, might one day come to a moment of decision and freedom.

Of course there were trolls and rude commenters as well. There always are. But, the overwhelming majority were supportive and encouraging. I cried in gratitude for all the support. I am an introverted, quiet person, so if someone had told me that my video would get over 3 million views, I never would have posted it in the first place. I never set out looking for fame on any sort of social media platform. So I’m glad I had no idea before hand. Through posting, I have found so much love and support, and I might never have gotten to where I am now without all of that.

I decided to keep making videos about my journey of healing and freedom. I have received messages from people along the way saying they are inspired to keep going by watching my journey. Many others let me know about their own situations that they succeeded through, and those give me so much hope as well.

How humbling it is for me to have the experience of encouraging people who feel lost, stuck, or trapped in abuse, to be able to provide a glimmer of hope for their own escape one day. I think of all the videos of other survivors who I watched before I made my own choice. They all added up to help me leave, and maybe my own journey will help add drops to someone’s bucket, to help fill them up, to see their worth so that they, too, can journey away from abuse or toxicity.

I began to see a way for me to be a light to others in the darkness. I could be a light, the light I had always wished I could have when I was going through everything on my own.

Having so many people cheering for me is great, but I also see the ones who want to be free too, and who have looked at my videos for encouragement and hope, maybe even guidance. I want to be able to do a lot more with that platform. I don’t really believe in accidents or coincidences. I believe that video going viral could be an opportunity to help a lot of people.

I would love to create a supportive community where people could received regular, practical advice for their struggles. A relationship does not have to be abusive for there to be reasons to let go and move forward. People struggle to cut ties from relationships they have grown out of for many different reasons.

I want to help other people find their voice, to find the strength and courage to break free of generations of pre-programming to move towards a more authentic life.

I keep imagining what I could do with this that would have a real impact on the followers who need it the most. I could post practical advice regularly, I could send encouragement and design video series’ specifically to encourage and uplift people who are facing the end of a relationship, whatever the reason is behind that ending.

I would love to purchase good recording equipment to make high quality videos and podcasts that I could send out every week. It would be amazing to have the resources to devote to building a support network for everyone.

When I was going through my abusive marriage, I felt completely isolated. The people I reached out to for help and support, I felt, let me down. I wasn’t able to rely on family members for the emotional support and reassurance I needed. I felt I had no one and I had to struggle through a painful, internal process on my own.

I don’t want anyone else to have to experience that degree of loneliness. It will always hurt not to have gotten the support for the people I thought I would have in my life. It will always hurt to lose people. But I would love to give others a soft place to land, a place where people feel seen, heard, safe, and genuinely cared for, even if they don’t have people nearby willing or able to support them.

I’m so excited for the opportunities to reach more people, more survivors, and to help people on a personal level. I am ready for the adventure that is to come.