SUICIDE

How many times in our short lifetime have we heard or been told “I hope you die”. Once ? twice ? Good for you if you have none. But suicide is something that have crossed every teenager’s life at least once.

If you have younger siblings or friends you care about or who care about you please share this story with them so together we can save precious lives.

Suicide isn’t like puberty you just “get over it” or “outgrow it” I know it from experience. Even on good days the thought of suicide is still running through your mind and coursing through your veins like blood.

And no if you were wondering it doesn’t start with depression all the time. Sometimes it just takes one casual remark, “you’re fat” or “that’s what you are having for lunch ?” Surely, you must be wondering it’s just a small remark don’t be so sensitive or take things to heart. But this small comment is a start of a series of chain reactions that ultimately leads us to the departure of someone’s brother or someone’s daughter or someone’s best friend.

Sounds far fetched ? Nah trust me it isn’t. That comment that we so easily so throw around with the intention of teasing or lightening the mood becomes like a dark cloud for the victim. He holds on to the comment all the way from mid day till he lies in his bed staring at the ceiling wondering how much truth does the comment holds.

And DEFINTELY the spur of hormones released by our bodies during puberty makes us much more emotional and we tend to think a little too much. Most of the time we just sweep it under the carpet together with all other negative emotions we don’t wish to deal with. But some of us hold on the comment for a really Long time wondering why out of so many people it had to them.

It starts off with isolation. Have you ever feel lost and alone. New day new school kinda feeling ? ImAgine going through that every single passing day. These kids are hard to tell apart from the happy smiling one. In contrary to popular beliefs or movies , no these kids could be the one sitting beside you on a subway or a bus or standing beside you in the lift. They don’t frown or have swollen eyes or cry all the time and have self harm marks all over, if you are lucky you can see the signs of those who are hurting through these stereotypes but no. What’s worse are those who smile and are cheerful on the outside but who can barely hold it together on the inside.

These kids wonder if it’s alright to feel a certain way. To feel upset over a trival comment or a small incident and seek validation for the intensity of the situation. Most of us aren’t educated enough, when someone asks us something we aren’t comfortable with our first instinct would be to brush it away with a “I don’t know” or “feel better soon” , and for us who are hurting yea we appreciate the effort but the courage it takes to walk up to someone to speak about emotions is so immense I have no ideas how to use words to describe it.

After a while these teens just give up asking about their emotions and decided that they have to deal with it themselves. They spend countless hours sitting down in showers with the water running, walking slowly back home or taking a detour so they had more time alone with their thoughts to validate and process everything. I was born into a 100% true blue Asian cultured family. And if you are an Asian kid you would know that emotions are the last things you could or would talk to your family about because yea Asian parents are all about “good grades” and “tough love” .

With really no where else to go that one thought in their head becomes many thoughts and branches out to become even more thoughts and it never stops. After experiencing so much emotions they are bound to be sensitive. they start to believe that everything had something to do with them even if it doesn’t. The whispers in the hallways feels like gossips about them. Casual remarks become catchphrases or slogans about them. Everything seems to be affecting them. They feel their self confidence dwindle down an endless spiral.

For the boys, we were taught to be brave , to be like a man, to shine in our masculinity and ignore all “burdensome emotions” . So it’s even harder for us to talk or feel about our feelings. We throw around teasing comments or remarks such as

“You suck. I HOPE YOU DIE HAHA”

And yes you are right just a small teasing remark , Learn to take a joke. But at that stage there isn’t a clear line between a joke or “everyone hates me” .

If you are lucky you get to see them live another day. Hoping somewhere deep in their heart that someone would see their pain and reach out a warm nuturing hand free of judgements and purely out of care hoping to help them. But truth is there isn’t. I have heard very skilled and qualified Teachers say “ I’m not paid enough for that” or some students who say “it’s not my problem” and so this hope that they do tightly cling on to fades into the air as quickly as it appeared.

Some who are lucky decide if they can’t be help they wish to help others. They become friendly and cheerful and always asking “are you okay?” Or “have a good day!” Yeah looks like that are recovering right ? Think again :)

Unlike a disease there are no symptoms . You just come home one day to see your brother’s lifeless body hanging from a fan. Or you see your sister’s limb body with a note clutched in her hands in the bathtub. Or you see your best friend’s disfigured body at the foot of a high rise building. You watch the blood flow to meet your white sneakers and you wonder “why?” And guilt starts creeping up your neck and you start to regret when you should have many months ago.

Maybe you can’t relate, you don’t have any siblings or friends like this or maybe you aren’t suicidal yourself. Or could it be taht you are observant enough ? Surely it isn’t obvious That someone wishes to take their life but you can end their spiral yes YOU. A simple “how are you today ?” , “feel free to talk to me if you need too”, “thank you !” , “have a nice day” all these simple words free of charge are so rarely said because we have this social stigma or being judged for being kind. So let it start with you.

Help save someone’s brother, someone’s best friend or someone’s daughter today. Don’t be afraid to ask questions or talk to someone. Know that’s it’s normal and it’s okay to go through these events and have these feelings. Know that it’s okay to be sad and unhappy and there’s nothing wrong about it. Know taht there’s always hope and Someone who you can talk to. Because No one knowS what you are going through Until you talk. So let it start with YOU.

With love,

Stay strong and don’t stop trying,

Keith Ng ☺️