Subha

Looking at the Burqa, lying in the corner of the room, I remembered the dark past of my life. At one point of my life I never thought I would come out from the veil of black Burqa and this life will be colorful again. When I cried for the first time my father’s heart swell with joy, and why wouldn't he be, after all it’s a baby boy, a prestige for the entire family. Looking at my face my father named me Subhash.

When I was brought to my home from the hospital, the entire Sahanagar colony was taken away. Everyone took me in their arms and made every possible good wish. The sky was lit up by the golden rays of the sun from the fluffy white clouds. It seemed that nature too was welcoming me.

I don’t know when I grew up and travelled the path of school. “Why are you late today, Subhash?” asked Ajay. Ajay was my childhood friend. We have seen each other growing up. We shared our food, played together; even if we fought, our day would be incomplete without seeing each other. Of course, as a student I was intelligent and always stood first in the class.

Teachers often used to pat on my shoulder and say “surely one day you will become someone and make us all proud.” At that point life looked like a straight highway where a smooth journey will reach you to your destiny. But who knew that there would be a bend and life would take a U-turn. It came like the mighty waves of an ocean and shattered my dreams.

I am afraid; even though my dry lips quiver, no fear would stop me from sharing my vulnerable, wretched story. An unusual physical growth was ascertained in my body. My appearance, and my voice turned into feminine type. Ajay started keeping distance from me and even started avoiding me. Others started laughing at and insulting me. To its extreme, one day when I went to the toilet some boys caught me and forced me to open my clothes. “Please don’t do that” I pleaded but my cry was unheard. Helpless, I tried to cover my nakedness with my bare hands. I hear only the echoes of laughter….

After a few days of this incident, our headmaster called my parents. Expressing his helplessness, he handed over my TC to them. I am no more allowed to attend any class. But this was not the end, the greatest hit yet to come. When a disastrous fire sets out, it engulfs whatever comes on its way. My fortune had taken away everything from me except my parents, my only refuge. “Which sin have I committed? Why Lord this is to me?” I repeatedly asked myself. “He is possessed by an evil spirit, take him to an OJHA.” Some neighbours suggested my father.

God alone knows the terrifying, and inhumane process I had to go through to get rid of the evil spirit. But nobody understood my real problems, no one understood who I am. No one accepted me, even my own parents. They sent me out of the house. I wonder how life takes another turn. Once I was the pride of our family but now, I am considered to be the curse and shame. In order to hide my identity, I was put under the veil of black Burkha. From Subhash I became Subha……

The world outside was completely new and unfamiliar. I was totally confused with what to do next. No food to fill my hungry stomach, no roof on my head, and the footpath was my shelter. As I sat alone in a park my heart was heavy with pain, tears rolled down from my cheeks, like a brook making its own way through the rocks. Insults, abuse, and molestation have become part of my life. I had become a sex object for many at night. At this point I felt my life was meaningless, and I must end this cursed life. In this turmoil situation I heard a noise of sharp clapping, coming from somewhere not very far. “Why are you crying, my child?” asked a manly looking woman. I met Heena, a transgender, completely rejected from the society, she too had the same story. Heena showed me a ray of hope to live again and made me a part of her world.

My heart feels heavy, each breath straining against the bindings of grief. The entire terrible truth is massive and impossible to fathom. Making a living by walking around the streets collecting money from shopkeepers, bus and train passengers was ungraceful to me. Therefore, I chose to undergo an initiation rite into the transgender community called Nirwaan. Then they shifted me to a well-known city in a House of ill repute.

I wanted my insides—dry, dead wood to be lit with a spark and no water could ever put me out, no cyclone of sadness, no thunderous rainstorm of doubt could stop the heat inside. I wanted to place my feet under the open sky and breathe fresh air.

Years passed by, things have changed, perspectives have changed. People know me as Subha. After a long time, I met Heena. She brought me news, a news which could open a new window for me. “Many institutions have accepted us.” Heena exclaimed in one breath, “Subha, don’t miss this opportunity.”

Just like The Breath of Life; a sight, a sound, a smell led me to an impossible expectation. “Yes I have to,” I responded without giving any second thought. I heard my heart whispering, “never miss this chance life has given you, just plunge into it.” A few days later I met the principal of the college, how kind and lovely man he was. The institution had accepted me as I was. Once again, I got a bunch of friends. I overcame the hurdles of life and removed the dark veil. My victory opened up the door for others. Once again, I trod the path of my home. My mother embraced me with open arms into her bosom. After all, I am a human being and I have the same red blood flowing through my vein.