Stop pining and send the ultimate self respecting text.

There I was minding my own business, living a charmed life having finally met the man of my dreams, something I wasn’t sure I even believed existed and then BAM!-he breaks up with me via text on Christmas.

“This can’t be right”-I thought. We’ve been together for a year and things have been nothing short of amazing. We’ve talked about marriage, formed bonds with each other’s family and friends. I had no inkling there was anything catastrophically wrong with our relationship, yet there was the text.

The next few days are a blur. I go to his house to try and talk in person and all of my things are lined up at the door. His roommate stops me and hugs me and says “this is just how he is.” As If the person I’ve been dating for a year is a complete stranger to me and this “common knowledge” is something I just should have expected.

He never reaches out to me again. I’m completely stone walled. I go down a spiral of “what if’s.” “What if we can talk it out? What if this is all just a misunderstanding? What if he cheated on me? What if he’s dying and just can’t find the words to tell me? What if, what if, what if?”

I send the man a barrage of text messages ranging from desperation, to confusion, to anger, to an outpouring of love and support. To telling him that no matter what I was willing to put in the work and change whatever he wanted me to change about me. That I would do 99% percent of the work if he could only put in 1% to explain what was happening so I could fix it, and then I sat. I sat with my thoughts and my confusion. I realized that I wasn’t that person, the person I am is strong and confident, I don’t need closure. I don’t need anything from him anymore. So I sent this last text.

“I’m looking back on my behavior and my words and I realize that’s not me. I’m a confident self respecting woman and I’ve been in a desperate spiral because I have had no control over this breakup, nor will I have closure because we didn’t get to do it on my terms (i.e. in person) and that has been difficult for me.

I realize now that I have more respect for myself than to tell you in a desperate moment that I will get on my knees and do anything you ask of me to make you happy. That’s not how a partnership works. Flaws should be discussed so that plans are put in action to grow. Relationships should be a safe space to voice your emotions and concerns so that together you can move through the world cohesively.

I’m confidant in my ability to show my partner mutual respect, while setting healthy boundaries, and voicing my needs. Needs like security, respect, trust, humility, and decency. Planning a future was something I wanted but I was overlooking the warning signs and making concessions because I was in love with you.

I do believe looking back that this isn’t a safe or healthy relationship for me, I hate that it ended like this on Christmas but I do wish you well. I hope you are able to move forward and make some healthy changes. I will be doing the same. ”

Done. Control taken back. Dignity restored. Rejection does not make you worthless. Take back the control. You don’t need closure. Honor yourself, respect yourself and your boundaries. Look back on your time with love, but remember that you can only control yourself. Love yourself most.

Marissa McKay