Stay Single and Improve Yourself.

Chapter 2: Become happy with who you are, and the women will come.

I went to a restaurant to meet a woman at a taco place. I got there a bit early as usual. I sat down outside and waited but while there, another attractive female approached me and asked if she could sit next to me while she waited for her ride to show up. I didn’t resist, of course. We had a lovely conversation while enjoying the beautiful night outside. I began to get a bit worried that my date would show up and see me talking to this other female, but she was on her way before my intended date arrived. There are two lessons to be learned here. First, don’t screw up your intended date to chase after another woman even if she is hotter. Second, women seem to be attracted to men that appear to have their act together. No, I am not rich at all! I'm not even close to being rich, at the time, I had my own house, well established employment, paid off car, and I was relatively fit.

Women can tell when you’ve got things figured out. What does “figured out” really mean? Well, I define it as simply having a job, your own place, and a car. That’s the short version anyway. If you are completely self-sufficient then others can usually tell. If you are struggling, they can pick up on that as well. Hey that rhymes! Anyway, if you do not have things figured out, you need to figure it out before you peruse an 8 on the 0 to 10 scale.

It doesn’t do you much good to find a woman only to realize that you are not prepared to maintain a long-term relationship because you don’t have your finances together, aren’t living in the place you like, and can’t create an opportunity for privacy. When I left the Army, I moved back in with my parents and got accepted into graduate school. Initially, I tried to find dates through the Internet, and I had a lot of success with the meetings but when it came to moving things past the first date, I was always stuck because I didn’t want to bring my dates to my little bedroom at the house and I didn’t make enough money to comfortably afford a hotel room. There was no way to lead the date back to a comfortable place of privacy. I realized this and soon halted my search for a girlfriend because I knew I was no longer in a stable position. I honestly think that women can pick up on this lack of direction as well. You see when you are not stable, you lack confidence and it difficult to lead.

Leading is important if you’re a male in the relationship, but I’m sure you already know that. Women do not want to date men that they perceive to be inferior to them because they do not feel safe around such men. After all, if she is doing better than you are in terms of education, money, home, car, health, and social life, what do you really have to offer? This doesn’t make you a bad person but understand that she has little incentive to be with you long term.

Being a nice guy isn’t enough. When I was younger, I used to think that being smart, funny, and having good intentions should be sufficient for obtaining a long-term, attractive partner. Boy was I naïve. You must have something to offer besides your wonderful personality. It’s not that being smart, funny, and kind are not going to help you – they most certainly will. However, you must understand that your competition is also smart, funny, and kind with a larger bank account! When you are 20 years old, you are probably trying to date women in their late teens and early 20s, right? This is normal, but what so many men don’t understand is that there are men in their late 20s, 30s, and even 40s competing for women in their 20s. These men are typically not perverts or jerks either. They tend to be nice fellows, that are courteous, humorous, personable, and more financially stable than you are. If you don’t have your act together, you won’t be able to compete with these men and women. Consider putting off finding an attractive girlfriend until you develop more. I don’t want this section to be a rehash of my introductory chapter, but if the women move towards men with life “figured out”, what do you think they are moving away from?

Your feelings don’t matter to her. Okay that’s not entirely accurate. She might be the kind of person that doesn’t really want to hurt your feelings. However, the desire to protect you from emotional pain is not exceeded by her desire to be with someone else. A lot of people watch movies and television shows in which a person, male or female, confesses his or her love to the desired individual. This seems to work most of the time in movies, because we like to believe that all you need is love.

The truth is that love is not all you need to maintain a long term, romantic relationship. Also, keep in mind that some people conflate love with lust. Ask yourself the last time you looked at a heavyset female with a nice smile and wonderful sense of humor and felt as if you were really in love with her. Even if you did feel connection to such a person, you must admit that there are different kinds of love. One can love a pet kitten. One can love one’s country. One can love a sibling. One can love a friend. One can love a romantic partner too, but this kind of love is different, isn’t it? This kind of love almost always requires physical attraction. If you can’t produce those feelings within a woman, then you have no hope. It doesn’t matter if she has produced those feelings within you. Save your love confessions for later. What do I mean by later? Well, in my opinion, you shouldn’t tell a woman that you love her until long after the sex with her has gotten boring and dull. Does it surprise you to read this?

Think about it. It makes perfect sense. If you’re still with a woman long after you’ve sated your desire to engage in sexual intercourse and you still cannot bring yourself to leave her, then you are truly connected. You know that your emotions are not only the result of your desire to penetrate her because you’ve done this more times than you remember. At this point, you’ve entered a new phase of the relationship, but we have to get a first date before we reach this phase, right?

Getting your act together involves three areas - appearance, finance, and happiness.

Health and Beauty

If you do not look healthy, it wouldn’t even matter if you were. Your appearance is very important when it comes to finding a girlfriend. It’s also important for finding a good job and being happy with yourself. We like to pretend as if we do not care what others think about us, but the truth is that we DO care and this is quite normal. Unless you’re an eremite, you probably spend time around people to accomplish tasks, purchase goods, attend class, etc. The more attractive you are, the better you will be treated. This isn’t fair, and on some level, I wish things were different, but this is how the world works. Admit this and commit yourself to looking great instead of complaining about how a woman doesn’t appreciate your wonderful mind and kind heart.

Fitness Routine. If you’re already fit, you can skip this section, but it just might help some people out.

Don’t worry – I’m not about to turn this into a article about how to lose weight, but women in general do not like fat men. Go online and search “body mass index chart”. If you are above 25 on that chart and are not a body builder, then it is going to be difficult to get an attractive girlfriend. If your body mass index (BMI) is below 20, you might also find it difficult because you will be perceived as small and weak. In my opinion, and based on my experience, women prefer men that are in the center of normal, which means you should aim for a BMI of 22 or 23. Did I say you can’t find an attractive partner if you’re overweight? Did I say you can’t find an attractive partner if you’re underweight? I said it’s going to be more difficult. The first thing that a woman notices about you is your appearance and if that first impression is a bad one, compensating for it with a sharp wit and ribald comments is going to be that much harder. Remember, there are men out there that are just as smart and funny as you with 6 pack abs and a BMW.

Being fit also helps you compete with older men. If you are in your twenties, then you are not only competing with men in their 20s and 30s. You are also competing with men that in their 30s, 40s, and even 50s, believe it or not. These men are well established, but they are significantly older than you are, so it is more difficult for them to keep fit. Sure, they can take a woman out to an upscale restaurant and on a boat ride, but are they as easy on the eyes as your nearly wrinkle-less face, tight butt, and washboard stomach? They probably aren’t. Take advantage of your youth and appearance and use it to compete. You can only do this if you’re in shape though so let’s get to it!

A lot of people don’t get into shape because they have no time to go to the gym or simply don’t know how to keep fit on their own. I was an Army officer and served in 2 combat zones. I used to wake up 5 days a week for physical training (PT) at about 05:15. Guess what? Our training was never in the gym, and it never involved weights other than our own bodies. All we needed was enough room to do our calisthenics. Further, we really didn’t have to do many repetitions to maintain fitness. The activity that took up the most time was the running, which I miss. However, running is not necessary to lose weight or keep fit. You can stick to a basic routine, and I am simply going to share my routine with you. If you decide to do it, I think you’ll see positive results in a few weeks, but it won’t be over night. Remember, that these techniques are low intensity to moderate intensity, but I do them every day, including weekends now. Unlike a gym membership, they don’t cost me any money and I don’t have to drive to and from the gym, so it also saves time.

I used to do 100 pushups a day. Wait, don’t panic! I’m not asking you to do that. Hell, I don’t even do that many every day anymore, but I used to. Sure, I looked great, but it is difficult to maintain a regimen of 100 pushups a day every day for 365 days a year, so I took breaks. I stopped doing pushups for a month or two and then I would also build my way back up to doing 100 a day. You know what I discovered? I found that after doing no pushups at all for months, I could always get down on the ground and successfully perform about 60 pushups before things started getting difficult. This is how I came up with the number 60. I now do 60 pushups every single day unless I have an illness or headache. Some refer to these workouts as microworkouts. They are fast but effective. The rule of resting a few days a week only applies for people doing very intense workouts, so there is no need to worry about taking 2 or 3 days off for these kinds of exercises. Why the pushup?

The pushup can be done anywhere there is space, and it provides resistance to many muscles in the upper body when performed correctly. It even works out the abdominal muscles to some extent. Ensure that you do the pushups correctly to maximize efficiency. Don’t cheat! Go all the way down until your chest is about 2 inches from the ground. Keep your feet together. Do not spread your arms out much further than your shoulders and remember to breath while doing the reps. If you cannot do 60 pushups yet, get down and do as many as you until you can’t do any more. This number might only be 10 for some of you. That’s okay. A small number doesn’t mean you aren’t making progress. The next day, do eleven. The day after that do 12. The day after that do 13 and so on. My advice is not to jump towards the 60 pushups by doing 14 one day and then 20 the next day even if you could. Just do one more the next day. There is no rush here because this is supposed to be a routine that you will stick to for several years, not some fad. Also, keep in mind that 60 is my personal number. If you find that you like the way your body looks once you reach 50 pushups a day then you can continue with that many. Alternatively, you might want to do 70 or more. I also do squats and calf raises. These are much easier to do than pushups. I simply do 30 squats using only my own body weight and 20 calf raises. This entire workout takes about 5 minutes. That’s right, only 5 minutes a day towards keeping fit. I do not work on my abs except during the summer. My goal is to maintain a lean, fit look; not to bulk up with huge muscles, which would require more time and nutrition.

Diet is also an important part of looking good. Remember, this is a article about getting an attractive woman. These women often look good because they understand health and beauty on a level that most men do not get. Skin, hair, nails, teeth, and gums should all be taken care of on a daily basis. If you’re eating junk food and not getting adequate nutrition, do you really think that anyone is going to find you attractive? One way to improve your appearance is with exercise, which we already discussed, I know. It strengthens bones, improves muscles tone, and believe it or not, slows down the aging process. However, proper diet can improve your skin and hair. Consider taking a multivitamin even if you only take half a day. Also, try consuming foods that are rich in antioxidants such as berries, turmeric, resveratrol, leafy greens, and drinking plenty of fresh water.

Finance

Let’s get something straight right now – you aren’t going to be successful with women if you do not have an income. I do not care what movies you’ve seen that suggest otherwise. I don’t care how nice you are. I don’t care how cute and fit you are. Yes, I know the last section was about fitness, but we have to be realistic too. Being cute and fit is not enough to keep a girlfriend long-term. You might be able to get a date with a cute face and funny personality, but it won’t enable you to take care of things long term. In fact, you probably won’t get a second date. You see the income isn’t just for the woman (in fact, only a small percentage should be spent on her). The income is for you! You just aren’t going to be able to maintain a nice wardrobe, comfortable place, decent car, or fun entertainment activities without income. Your money problems will cause you to lose confidence in yourself and this will be apparent to the woman you approach.

If you’re under 25, don’t feel bad about having a minimum wage job. In fact, if you enjoy your minimum wage job, you shouldn’t feel bad regardless of age. I think it’s helpful to have a plan to improve yourself though. Does your job offer promotion opportunities? Do you have a side hustle? A lot of younger men do not know where to get started. This article isn’t supporting any specific financial institutor or company, but in this section, I present some basic topics that help put you in a better position so that in the future, you are all set. Remember, even if you aren’t getting a lot of women right now, the day will come when it will be very easy because your relative youth will meet up with your financial success. This will likely happen in your late 20s or early 30s unless you make poor decisions.

Poor Financial Decisions

Taking out high interest credit card loans would be at the top of my list of poor financial decisions. Sure, you can borrow a lot of money, and initially, the interest rate will be low. However, the day will come when that introductory low interest promotion expires and if you haven’t paid all the money back, the interest rate can be VERY high. A lot of people file for bankruptcy because they were foolish enough to take out such a loan. Yes, in case you were wondering, I have in fact taken such a loan, but I’ve never filed for bankruptcy because I know how to stick to a budget and pay off my debts. You can avoid a lot of financial problems by simply not taking high interest loans from banks.

Not sticking to a budget

Many people don’t even have checking or savings accounts. Please get a checking and savings account. It’s a great tool for keeping track of your expenses and income. If you’re spending too much on things that you don’t really need, you aren’t balancing your enjoyment now with the enjoyment that your future self will enjoy. My advice is to figure out how much of your income is left over after all true essentials are paid for and then invest at least 50% of what is left over (discretionary income) into something safe that appreciates in value over time. This could be stocks, bonds, or even real estate.

I once met a young woman around age 25 that was struggling a bit. She asked me for a little help with her car payment. I asked her how much the payment was, and she told me that it was $400 per month! I told her that I was not going to help her because she made a bad decision in financing such a vehicle in the first place. I was confronted by a friend that asked to borrow money from me. He said that he had gotten into a significant amount of debt and needed $700 to pay it down low enough to qualify for another loan. I simply gave him $100 as a symbol of our friendship, but I told him that was all I could give. I should point out that this friend drove a Porshe that was far more luxurious than mine. My friend had been making more money than me but he had also been spending more such that his net savings were lower. When he fell on hard times, he had no cushion to support himself. Don't make poor decisions like these people. My own car was paid off but even when it wasn’t, I was only making a payment of $175 per month and in my 30s, I made significantly more money than the woman did. Nice vehicles are not much better at transporting a body than my own used Ford was. Cars generally do not appreciate in value, so my advice is to purchase only what you’ll need to get around. This is especially true if you’re young and do not have much cash. Save your money and put yourself in a better financial position and the women will come to you. I promise.