Special Delivery

I am inclined to tell you “I love you.”

I want to wrap those words around my broken promises and send them in an unmarked package wrapped in brown paper.

It will be left on the front porch leading up to the door in the front of that house.

The one that you no longer reside in.

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I looked in the mirror and decided today was the day that I would run from you. I would turn away and never look back.

I would blindside you by sending a long message about how I could not be with you anymore.

You would never see it coming. After all, you treated me so well.

You could see my room a mess and would begin folding my clothes and hanging them in the closet.

You would know I was getting off late and would take me out to eat or make dinner when I was too tired to go out. You would wash my back and rub my feet. You would tell me how beautiful I was, especially on days I did not have on makeup. You would watch my favorite shows and take me to my favorite places. You showered me with compliments and boosted my confidence. You selfishly loved me. I was your girl. Your number 1. Your desire to make me happy in all areas poured through.

Then your love tried to take root and materialize inside of me. I did not expect such a huge part of me to resist. I could feel it in my gut. It was something foreign and new. My curiosity lasted only a moment before I realized, I wanted no parts.

You tried to show me my value. To grab me by the hand and catapult me into forever. You wanted forever. I wanted nothing to do with it, your love so firm and concrete. Something deep down in me knew I deserved more. In hindsight, what is more than everything? The universe taking root.

I fought you hard and pushed you away. Before it had a chance, I destroyed what could have been. You did not make me feel bad about the decision. You supported me and held me as I cried. But I will admit, the pill was easy to swallow.

You tried to be my strength. A streak of sunshine in an otherwise dark sky. But even you, my anchor, felt the weight. That thick cloud hung low, and there I was unhappy as you slowly began to change.

Why was I so surprised?

You stopped caring for me like you used to. I guess you noticed my shift and did not find me worth fighting for. I did not want you to fight for me. I did not deserve it.

You served as a permanent reminder of the decision I did not even know I had the ability to make. My decision to end our love. You showed me a side of myself that I had no idea about. I referred to people like that in the past as selfish, godless people. They were void of compassion and had a blatant disregard for others. They carried a skewed view of power and control. I judged that person. I am that person.

There I stood looking in the mirror in disgust as I met my eyes there. And that was the day I decided to run from you. I would turn away and never look back. I would blindside you by sending a long message about how I couldn't be with you anymore.

I no longer knew who you were, and I did not like the woman you had become.