Soul Writing for Healing

Part One: The impact of childhood emotional trauma and neglect leads you into adulthood without recognizing and attending to your emotional needs healthily and constructively. You tend to minimize, disregard, and lack understanding of your feelings and emotions. This trauma contributes to a distorted self-image, a higher rate of depression and anxiety, a lack of boundaries, anger, guilt, shame, fear, and a lack of self-trust. And can manifest in many different forms of self-neglect and self-abuse.

I was unaware of my blockages and how my negative reactions kept me stuck in negative patterns and emotions. I felt out of control and a victim of my emotions. I have been in that place and tried many modalities to understand my emotional pain and triggers. I had always been an avid journalist, and then I took it to another level by using journaling to heal and connect to my inner wisdom, searching for answers and freedom from suffering. I was presented with an understanding, guidance, and inspired actions that gave me confidence, self-assurance, and emotional balance through the process.

The year 2012 was an emotional and challenging year for me. My marriage was falling apart, I had to put my dog down, and my son was going through some difficulties. I applied to iPEC program in 2011 and received acceptance in 2012, and in the same week, my mom was diagnosed with kidney cancer. I had no idea what was in store for me and how I would manage to stay above water. Being part of the iPEC coaching program helped me see things from a different perspective, and I had the support I needed to take the necessary steps.

My mom passed in May of that year, and it was so challenging to grieve. I did not have the support from my husband at the time; he was uncomfortable with grief and did not know how to hold space for me. It pushed me further away, retreating within myself. At the time, I had not been aware of the impact childhood emotional neglect and trauma had on me. I had been in therapy for many years, never revealing my childhood experiences. I locked those memories away, not wanting to touch them or look at them. I was under the impression that they were the past, and I wasn't that little girl anymore, so I did not have to go there. Even though I had been in therapy for years, no one asked me about my childhood experience, so I didn't think it was important or necessary to reveal anything.

I had been journaling all my feelings, emotions, and dreams that year, seeking comfort and support through my writing. I always found safety in journaling and writing. Even as a little girl, I kept a diary, and I now realize how much it helped and was a tool for me to stay protected emotionally. It gave me a space to express myself in ways I was unable to in my environment. It still holds true for me and is my go-to.

In addition to my journaling, I was meditating and asking for guidance in meditation. And then I asked to know the truth of who I am, a compelling request one I had not been aware would take on a journey of unraveling all that I was not - to reveal all that I am. My request was from an unconscious level, and I had no idea of the power of what I was asking.

I left the marriage in 2013 with a pending divorce, and my emotional state and belief system were crumbling. I was utterly lost. I had no inner compass and was in such a fearful state. I had never felt anything like this before and had no idea what was happening to me. The therapist I had at the time was able to help me understand what was happening; I was experiencing a Dark Knight of the Soul, a collapse of the preconceived meaning I had given my life's accomplishments, relationships, and what was important. Eckhart Tolle describes it as a collapse of the whole conceptual framework for your life and the meaning your mind had given it. The upheaval I experienced in 2012 brought me to the existential crisis of the Dark Knight of the Soul.