Sorrow

A hoot sounded into the silence of the night, the only sound to break the cacophony of thoughts thrashing in my mind. I looked out into the distance and saw it perched onto a branch, so beautiful, so majestic with its creamish gold feathers gleaming in the twilight, this beautiful barn owl watching me disapprovingly; knowingly.

They say it's an omen; a curse. They hoot when they sense a predator, how accurate that fact turned out to be. Is that why it's just glaring at me? does it know what I was about to do?Does it know how evil my spirit is and it's warning the others out there. To protect their young. An animal that has more humanity than humans, that would do anything to protect their offspring when man simply can't encompass the same instinct. I strain to glare back through the tears blurring my sight.

They keep cascading down my face, but why? Someone like me shouldn't even be sitting here and crying? Why am I crying? I snort derisively to myself. Why am I crying? Now I have remorse? Now I have a heart, ahaha and a brain to think? I snidely berate myself, where was my mind earlier?

What is wrong with me? What happened to me..... Ahhhhhh I just want to scream into the night, I open my mouth to wail with all my being but nothing comes out, I try again and strain all the muscles in my shaking body, nothing. I'm panting, I'm suffocating, I'm in so much pain, I'm hurting badly,I can't I simply can't live. I deserve to die, but I wont do that since death would be such a beautiful escape. No I need to suffer, I deserve to suffer. I choke back a sob, my heart thrumming wildly in my chest, sweat and tears pouring down my face from my terror. Terror from my self.

Flashbacks play in my mind to earlier this evening,

'' I can't anymore, i need to get rid of it. Its ruined my life. It had to go. She deserves to live a peaceful life not the one i will give her. She will only suffer with me. I cant i cant i cant i cant i cant! My eyes are blurring from the tears falling down my face, i cant see infront of me my body is shaking but i need to get rid of her. She has to go!!! But I cant do it but i HAVE to. My mind wont stop unless i do it!!! Gasping for air l take a lungful hoping it will moderate my pumping heart. I can hear the tub filling up with water, near the brim. I look down at the bundle in my trembling arms and gasp back a sob, but i’m doing it for her. Its a sacrifice that need to be done. I kneel by the tub and turn off the tap. Yeah the water should be warm enough, i look at my wrist and check the time. Yes its time.........bye baby."

I have not been my normal self since i gave birth. I feel like some one else. Some one uglier, and nasty. I just cant help myself or my thoughts. I hate my baby. My husband. My life. ME!

I dont want this life, but the thing that hurts the most and most confusing is that i did want it once a upon a time.

I think back to Logan sorrowfully, thankful and ashamed at how he found us. He hates me and i don't blame him because I hate me. I nearly murdered our child. My depression has become more powerful and me the weak woman that I am, let it!

I hear the hoot again, the owl making it's presence known. Its disdainful glare letting me know it's horrified at what it sees in my soul, an unredeemable soul; it knows I can never be forgiven. They say when they hoot they are letting you know there is a predator about......