Some of the Best Answers That Will Get You Smacked Upside Your Head

There comes a point in a person's life tat their tongue becomes their sword. Some people will walk up to you and try to upset your already fragile day. I should know. I have been through it for what seems like a million times.

I decided to help my fellow persons by compiling a list of situations and the answers I used to respond to them. Read them. Enjoy them. Get a great laugh out of them.

WARNING: Using these great responses will result in a moderate decrease in friendship levels, BUT they will bring in a substantially HUGE amount of respect for YOU.

HAIR TO COMPARE: I had an EX-friend who liked to run his mouth quite often. One day, he caught me slightly offguard due to the fact that I had a very tough day and was in no mood for his garbage. Our conversation went something like this:

IDIOT: Hey, Maurice!!! Look at your head! All of your hair is grey. My friend, you have snow on your roof.

ME: So, you want to talk about MY head? Let's look at your head. You're BALD and your head is SHINY. I guess that you have solar panels installed on your roof, my man.

Discussion over!!!

THE YUMMY MOM: There was another occasion (with another person) from long ago. We were talking about the old days when the topic about her Mom came up. It just happened.

ME: Your Mom was a nice lady.

HER: Yes, she was.

ME: I can see where you got your good looks from.

HER: Thanks.

ME: Your Mom reminded me of a very sexy Tina Turner.

HER: What?

ME: I said that....

HER: I heard you! I just can't believe that you said that about my Mom!

ME: I can't help it that your Mom wasn't an ugly woman.

HER: So, you managed to look at my Mom THAT way?

ME: Well, I couldn't help it especially when she was tending her garden. She looked fine!!!

HER: Maurice, you are a pig!!!

ME: Thanks!

Yeah! That decades old friendship was over in a manner of minutes. But I was never able to look at Tina Turner the same way again.

Me? I am an expert on sarcasm. I can't help it. Some people carry guns. Others carry knives.I carry a sharp tongue. It is my weapon of choice.

According to Dictionary.com, "In sarcasm, ridicule or mockery is used harshly, often crudely and contemptuously, for destructive purposes. It may be used in an indirect manner, and have the form of irony, as in "What a fine musician you turned out to be!," "It's like you're a whole different person now...," and "Oh... Well then thanks for all the first aid over the years!" or it may be used in the form of a direct statement, "You couldn't play one piece correctly if you had two assistants." The distinctive quality of sarcasm is present in the spoken word and manifested chiefly by vocal inflection ."

As I said before, I am an expert at sarcasm. After all, I am also a native New Yorker.

Take these three scenarios. Guys, be careful. Two of these responses will instantly get you instantly KILLED. See if you can figure out which ones will have you sleeping six feet below ground level.

Scenario # 1

WIFE: Does this dress make me look FAT?

HUBBY: Yes!

(His funeral was held the next day.)

Scenario #2

WIFE: Honey, does this dress make me look FAT?

HUBBY: Honey, I love you no matter how FAT you get.

(His funeral was held later on in the same day after the first Hubby's funeral.)

Scenario #2

WIFE: Honey, does this dress make me look FAT?

HUBBY: Honey, you are not fat at all. In fact, I love you just the way you are.

(They ended up attending the first two funerals before going out to a snazzy, expensive restaurant in Manhattan, NY.)

Even I had to engage my sarcasm with a woman many years ago. I remember it well.

I remember one nightmare of a woman. I don't remember her name, but I had wished that a house would fall on her one day because I had no water to pour on her. Yes, she was THAT wicked!!!

WOMAN: Before we go out on dates, let's get one thing perfectly clear....

ME: (Looking around for ANY water and a bucket) What?

WOMAN: We are to only see each other on Saturdays and Sundays. During the week, we are to not see each other or call each other.

ME: (to myself) Sounds good if you could throw in Monday to Friday with that weekend deal.

WOMAN: Is that understood?

ME: Oh yes! I understand it VERY well.

WOMAN: I will even let you look at my legs.

ME: Oh no! I just ate!!

WOMAN: What?

ME: I said that I can't wait!

When that first disaster known as our date was over, I took her back home. Unfortunately, she had to get INTO my car in order to get home. That was a Saturday night.

It must have been a VERY cold Wednesday night in February. I heard the radio weatherperson state that the temperature was in the single digits BELOW zero. I even heard the wind howling as some of the window panes mildly shook. Outside was not fit for man, beast or my then-girlfriend.

Then, at 2 AM, my dayum phone started ringing. "Who in the hell could be calling me at this hour?" I asked.

WOMAN: Honey? It's me.

ME: Oh. Hi there. How are you?

WOMAN: I'm cold and I want to get home.

Now, before I continue, let me add some juicy details to my story. This "woman" had no car or driver's license. She even had the audacity to take a job in the western most part of Brooklyn where she had to depend on mass-transit (subways). I lived in the most eastern part of Queens. I was snug as a bug in my bed and waiting to close my eyes again for a well-deserved sleep.

ME: Wow! What a shame. You need a ride home and it is a very frigid Wednesday night. Well, according to YOUR rules, we are not to meet until the weekend. I really hate breaking rules. So, I have a solution.

WOMAN: What?

ME: Do you still work at Home Depot?

WOMAN: Yes. Why?

ME: Are they still open right now?

WOMAN: Yes. Why?

ME: Here is what you should do. Go back there and buy a broom for yourself.

WOMAN: What do I need with a broom?

ME: You said that you needed a ride. I figured that is how you normally get around - on a broom like other witches do.

I haven't heard from her since and I had a very pleasant sleep when that call was over. What happened to her? Who knows and who cares?

So, as you can clearly see, sarcasm works wonders if you can use it correctly. Unfortunately, there is no instruction book on HOW to use it. You must use good judgment or risk being slapped continuously into the next century. It has happened to other people. If you don't believe me, look at a cemetery. It is filled with people who could not pass the sarcasm test. I withstood the ravages of time when it comes to sarcasm.

Guys,the next time you are on a busy subway in New York City and the person next to you smell like a landfill, you could try saying this to him or her:

"When did Old Spice come out with Rancid Onions as their new fragrance? You wear it so well."

I will be more than happy to attend your funeral.