Healing Upward and Outward

Healing Upward and Outward

Reconciliation is repairing the broken threads that connect us. These threads reach in two directions: up and out. First, we must consider the vertical dimension: our internal self and our relationship with the Divine. Before we can reach out to others, we are called to look inward and sit in the quiet, sometimes uncomfortable light of self-reflection. We must ask, “Where have we stumbled or contributed to a fracture?”

We must then examine the things we’ve done: the sharp words spoken in anger, the defensive walls we've built, and the pain we may have caused. We must also consider the things we’ve left undone: the apologies withheld, the grace we failed to offer, and the silence we kept when we should have spoken. This vertical healing clears the debris from our souls so we can approach the world and the altar with clean hearts and hands.

Our inward healing and vertical reconciliation should then flow into horizontal reconciliation. This is why the Gospel of Matthew teaches that before we offer our gift at the altar, we must first go and be reconciled to our neighbor (Matthew 5:23-24). Our vertical devotion is intimately tied to our horizontal peacemaking, and perhaps even dependent on reaching out to our neighbor. Here, we are invited to seek peace with those around us: clearing the air, offering apologies, and gently untangling old grudges. We are tasked to love our neighbors as ourselves, offering a hand to all those who also seek the path of peace, and perhaps even more importantly, being willing to acknowledge God’s grace working in the lives of those who wish us harm.

Ultimately, these two journeys go hand-in-hand and bring us closer to our God and our neighbor. The Quran beautifully speaks to the sacredness of this effort in Surah Ash-Shura (42:40), declaring that "whoever forgives and makes reconciliation, his reward is with God." Yet, to navigate the messiness of life, we must remember that forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same, and while we may seek both, full communion with those separated from us is not always possible.

Forgiveness is a solo journey. It is a unilateral decision to purge bitterness from our own souls for the sake of our healing. Reconciliation, however, is a shared bridge. It requires active participation, truth, acknowledgment of harm, and a genuine change of heart. We can have forgiveness without reconciliation, but we can never have lasting reconciliation without forgiveness.

Because true reconciliation takes two willing hearts, scripture offers a practical guide for when the bridge cannot be built. The Apostle Paul writes, "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone" (Romans 12:18).

This acknowledges a hard truth: peace isn't always possible. There will be times when our best efforts to create peace are rejected and dismissed. There will also be times when we must turn away because the situation is physically or emotionally abusive. In those moments, separating with a forgiving heart is not a failure of love, but the establishment of a necessary boundary and likely the healthiest path forward.

In the end, we are like weavers working on a loom of grace. The vertical threads of our faith give us strength, but the horizontal threads of our relationships give the fabric its color and warmth. When a thread snaps, we do our best to tie it back together. But if the other side will not hold, we do not have to let the whole garment unravel. We tuck that loose end into the hands of the Creator, keep our own hearts soft, and continue weaving a life defined not by the bridges that burned, but by the light we carry as we walk across the ones that remain.

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Author’s Note: We are often taught that forgiveness and reconciliation are the same. It seems reasonable to believe that to truly forgive someone, and perhaps ourselves, we must eventually welcome that relationship back into our lives. Recently, I was forced to confront this distinction after sincere attempts to reconcile with two friends were met with silence. I wrote Healing Upward and Outward as a reminder to myself, and to anyone else carrying the weight of a severed tie, that peace does not always require a response from the other side. By drawing on shared spiritual wisdom, my hope is that this piece offers comfort to those navigating the deep ache of unanswered efforts. May you find the courage to keep your heart soft, even when you have to let go of the threads.