Serenity

A place I hold in my heart is only a place that I have visited only three times. I didn’t go there often, mainly only when I was with other people, but this specific time and place made everything feel surreal, yet it was the perfect moment. There are a lot of places where I have felt powerful in the world, but I can never stop thinking about this specific place. The place that I will never forget is the West Bluff View in Albuquerque, New Mexico.

The West Bluff view was near a park in Albuquerque, most people would go out at night to see the city lights and the stars. It was the perfect spot where you could see city lights but also see the Rio Grande. Usually, the Rio Grande river, does not have much water or you cannot see it very well, but on the perfect nights, you could see the moonlight glisten off the water. It was the nice part of Albuquerque where you forget that you are in the desert, only because of the number of trees covering the shore of the Rio Grande and the beaming purple mountains in the distance. It was a hot spot for my friends, all with cars, to go, it was a distance away from where we all lived but the view was amazing. The times before that I had gone, I was usually with my friends late at night. This time was a little different.

It was May 12th, 2019, one day after my girlfriend of three years and who lived with me, Ruth, died and I needed to be distracted from the emotional heartbreak it was putting me through. One AM on a Saturday night, I was at a friend’s house because being home alone was too much for me. I was in my hometown, Bernalillo, New Mexico, at the house, there were friends who also knew Ruth, so we sat together listening to music, talking about what happened and how things were going to be very different. The only person that I knew very well there was my friend Alyssa, who also had experienced losing a significant other in a similar way. She told me it never gets better, you just have to accept that life still has to go on.

At first, I had a hard time believing that, because it felt like my whole world changed. All I had on my mind was that I would give anything to be with Ruth again. Reliving the stories and memories that we talked about that night made me laugh, cry, and miss her even more. My plan originally was to spend the night at my friend’s house, but I couldn’t sleep at all. I laid in bed for an hour, not able to close my eyes because every time that I did I saw her. I decided I couldn’t stay at the house. I needed to leave.

I was driving home back into Rio Rancho, which is about 15 minutes away from Bernalillo, windows down and music blasting. Anything to keep me sane. Every time my vision blurred with tears, I had to take a deep breath and tell myself, “You are almost home.” This happened 3 times during my drive back, which is average once every five minutes. Considering the circumstances I thought I was doing pretty well. Of course, I was getting constant texts from Alyssa. She only wanted me to be safe. She even tried convincing me to just stay the night and even tried hiding my car keys. After she realized that I was set on going home, she told me to text her as soon as I got home. Which I did.

Once I arrived at my apartment parking lot, I couldn’t bring myself to get out of the car. The idea of walking out of my car inside my apartment, where Ruth was the day before she died, made me feel guilty as if I shouldn’t be there either. She should’ve been there with me. My mom worked ridiculous hours, which usually meant she was gone from 3 pm to 8 am almost every single day. It was even harder for me to try to walk into a house where I would be alone with my thoughts in a house where Ruth was at days ago.

Not wanting to go inside I sat in my car. My sister, Davina, told me if I needed anything at all to call her, it also helped that she lived two doors down from my apartment. My sister has always been my support system, if I ever needed her, there would be no questions asked. And I would do the same for her. So I called her and she was awake and driving with a friend. I told her to come pick me up and to take me anywhere but home. Davina didn’t say anything more except, “I will be right there”. Sitting in the back seat of an Oldsmobile, it felt like I was just in the perfect setting. The sun wasn’t quite risen but the sky was a light baby blue and the air was fresh. Since it was May, the trees were full and the Rio Grande had a decent amount of water in it. Through the trees was a thick fog, that disappeared at the height of the trees. I was able to see early risers driving on the freeway while being able to see this surreal setting. The only thing going through my head was that there were people in the world who keep going, no matter what happens to me or my life, everyone else is always moving around me.

The West Bluff view is about 30 minutes from where we were. I didn’t know that we were going there until we arrived. My sister was the first person to show me this view. After that first time that me and my sister, it became an occasional hot spot for my friends and me. During the drive, I didn’t pay attention to the scenery around me. I closed my eyes and listened to the music that my sister had on. She was careful not to play any sad songs that could’ve caused me to cry. It seemed like my sister always knew the right things to do, which was exactly what I needed at that moment.

I was sitting on the hood of the car when the sun began to rise over the mountains, making the sky turn gold. My sister went with her friend to explore the nature around us, which was just a reason to leave me alone and to give me space. The air outside reminded me after you go camping when you wake up extremely early, the air is cold, and you wake up in a fog. I was extremely tired, making it hard to keep my eyes open. My brain was swarming with thoughts about what happened over the past few days. In two days, I went from watching movies all night with my girlfriend to receiving a call that she passed away. Making a mental note of my surroundings, I knew Ruth would’ve loved the view that I was seeing. She was always an outdoorsy type, dragging me out to go swimming in the river or wanting to go on hikes during the weekends. I think that is why I felt so peaceful watching the nature around me, I knew that she was still with me.

I think the main reason why I hold this place so close to my heart is that my girlfriend would’ve loved the view. I knew everything about Ruth inside and out and I wish I had the chance to take her to this view so she could experience this with me. I have always been more of a city girl, I love the active life and the constant movement of living in the city, while Ruth was more open land, country orientated. Being at the West Bluff view reminded me of our relationship, where nature and the city meet. As I watched the city rise to life in the morning and the trees surrounded by a thick fog, the city was incorporated with the nature that Albuquerque has to offer.

I knew my girlfriend was always going to be with me and according to my beliefs, she will be reincarnated and brought back to this earth. That day watching the earth move around me made me feel better about having to live without her by my side. I miss her every day and I think that will never end. I’ve never felt more peaceful about her death than I did that Sunday morning.