Selfish Love

Why do you choose to love those you choose to love? Not those you are supposed to love, such as family members, but those you choose to love. You make a conscience choice to invest your time and energy into another human which, to your knowledge, has no other connection to you other than the one made by complete coincidental circumstance. After the feelings have been strengthened, through time and experience, you may start to feel that you love this other individual so much that, in a sense, they are obligated to love you just the same. This is a common misconception and can quickly fester into something quite unhealthy.

Consider those people in your life which you are supposed to love. While you may expect them to love you back equally, do you feel that you should be the only one that they love in their lives? Probably not. You love them such that you enjoy seeing them happy in their life, you relish with them in their accomplishments and achievements and successes solely because you love that person. That is what true love should be. Whether platonic, or intimate, it makes no difference. To love someone is to only want that someone to feel happy and content in their daily lives.

This, unfortunately, is not how love is seen in most cases. When intimacy is factored into love it brings baggage with it. Baggage consisting of obligatory expectations, possessive actions and unnecessary jealousy. And when confronted with this baggage, most will make the claim, “well, I love them, therefore my behavior is justified and understandable.”

If you want to know what is wrong with a relationship that started out as fiery, passion-filled, seemingly impenetrable love, but slowly erodes away and leaves one or both people feeling lonelier when together than when they are alone with themselves, the answer is no doubt something you encounter every single day. Find a mirror, and ask this question to the person staring back at you, you will undoubtedly receive a very clear answer. If you do not love yourself fully, you will not ever be able to love another the right way. The way that all humans deserve to be loved, but most will not ever experience in their lifetime.

If you are your own worst enemy and/or worst critic, that’s fine- IF… That self critiquing is a positive, driving force that assists in your being your best self. Otherwise, you are manifesting your shortcomings, and will live up only to what you tell yourself you can. If you can’t be alone in your own company without the company of another human being, you need to ask yourself how you can possibly claim to love another when you only love them because you love the way you think they love you. You don’t love you, but he or she loves you, and that makes your lack of self-love okay because the void is filled… For now. That is fine, until this other individual, who has the freedom to feel, think, and do as they please, starts slipping from your grasp for a plethora of varying reasons, and completely blindsides you. You may question how this other human could ever possibly love you any less than what you require them to. How could they do that to YOU. How could they lie to YOU. The said they loved YOU. How could they do that to YOU.

***SPOILER ALERT***

NOTHING IS DONE TO YOU INTENTIONALLY OR WITH ILL WILL MEANT TO CAUSE YOU MISERY AND PAIN. THEY DO IT FOR THEMSELVES. FOR THEIR HAPPINESS. FOR THEIR HEART TO FEEL LIFTED.

No, this is not always the case. There are certainly cases in which people hurt others out of spite and hatred, but most of the time, such as with a case of infidelity, the unfaithful party does feel strongly for their partner, but when caught in the heat of the moment, and because selfish happiness blinded their better judgement, they choose to be unfaithful to someone whom they love. They do not do it to hurt the other person. They do it to make themselves happy. They lie because they do not want their partner to feel the inevitable pain that comes from a confession of infidelity, and thus, choose to let it be and go on as usual.