Sh*t in One Hand & Wish in the Other

HOUR TWENTYONE

Luck is a meaningless four-letter word that builds empty hope on broken promises and forgotten wishes. No, I do not believe in luck anymore, and I’m a better human being for it! I seem to be getting ahead of myself a bit here, though. Let me take a few steps back and catch you up to speed on the events which took place just prior to my current position.

HOUR THREE

Considering the life of an average, late twenty-something-year-old person, it would be fair to say I am about as unimportant, insignificant, and mediocre as it gets in this day and age. I don’t Facebag, Twat, Snaptalk, Tik-Clock, or post any part of my life to The Grind- or whatever they call it. The only reason I have a smartphone is that it is basically impossible to function in society without one. (Though I have been known to indulge in a game of Pokémon GO on occasion.) So, hi. I’m me, and you will not remember me by this time tomorrow.

There was nothing sweet in the air when I reluctantly rolled out of my unmade mattress placed in the middle of my shack of a studio apartment this morning. I had no pep in my step as I procrastinated rushing out the front door to make it to my own personal Hell on Earth 15 minutes late. And if the sun has shown from the heavens above any brighter, I no doubt blocked it out by pulling my old, faded grey sweatshirt hoodie over my Day 4 hair and baggy eyes to block it out, anyway.

HOUR SEVEN AND THREE QUARTERS

To say that nothing of any significance has taken place in the first half of the day is still an overstatement. I just wrapped up eating my delicious, gourmet, bologna and cheese sandwich paired with a bruised banana that’s been unclaimed in the breakroom for four days. Hey, that’s fair game, right? Washed it down with some flavor-enhanced water I had found in my locker and returned to my post right on time, being only five minutes and thirty-seven seconds late. Go me! To my absolute delight, I was greeted by the days “Karen,” who was just dying to inform me on the minimum qualifications needed to carry out my role in Hell, and that she would be more than obliged to report my lack of enthusiasm to my inferior “Superior.” While intentionally ignoring my noontime ear beating, my ADHD-riddled brain spotted something little, black, and seemingly unmanned on a nearby shelf. I suddenly snapped my head back, looked Karen dead in the eyes, and cut her endless ranting off midsentence, and blurted, “SQUIRREL.”

HOUR TEN AND ELEVEN NINETENTHS

The little black notebook- which was not my property, but which seemed to fit oh so perfectly into my sticky-fingered palm- distracted me from caring too much about whether I had a position in Hell after being sent home early by some guy in a tie and khakis, or not. I was more concerned with what kinda juicy stuff I might find in the diary submissions that I would get to fill my evening with once I got home and opened my new possession. My luck, though, it is probably just an old lady’s address book.

HOUR THIRTEEN

Hardly able to stand the excitement when I got home, I took a nap… Alas, uninterested reader- of course not before first reading the word “PRIVATE” stamped across the front of the mysterious thingy. Thus, depleting me of any remaining energy I had left after such a trying day. Sitting up to a partial slouch while making a quick grab for my pack of smokes lying at my feet on the floor, I snuck a fingertip into the book a few pages deep and rest it on my knee. As I sparked the lighter, I opened the pages and peered through an eyeball that squinted from rising cigarette smoke. I read the words, “Extremely Valuable – Please Return to-“

The cigarette hanging from my mouth dropped in my lap, causing me to drop the small, black planner. With an over-exaggerated release of breath, I snatched up my smoke and snubbed it out. Grabbed the book and returned to my lazy slouch once again. Again, I cracked it opened and resumed reading, “Extremely Valuable – Please Return To Owner For Reward If Found At [UNDISCLOSED ADDRESS].” My eyebrow twitched a little and I turned the page.

Right away I noticed something odd about this “book” I was snooping through; The pages felt like what I can only describe as plastic paper or perhaps more like a thin screen-like material, and they were almost transparent. As I was about to try and tear a corner of a random page to test the durability, every page turned black, causing me to freeze. I just stared with my mouth slightly agape and watched as on the page I had opened to little green digital characters quickly popped up, just like an old computer screen does when booting up. (***SPOILER*** This is one of those moments where you have no idea, but the next decision you make will change the course of your life as you know it.) So, I did what I’m sure anyone in my position would do and completely ignored it and chalked it up to useless tech jargon that I need not concern myself with trying to decipher. Now, as you know, I have an extremely limited skill set- So it will come as no surprise that those skills do not include the capability to read any type of computer code. I refer to it as code, for simplicity's sake, but for all I know it very well could have been gibberish - Which, again, does not fall under my area of expertise. The events which were to follow may have been avoidable altogether had I had ANY knowledge in those areas- but, alas, I did not. The text on the page was as follows:

00101010 00101010 00101010 01000011 01001100 01000001 01010011 01010011 01001001 01000110 01001001 01000101 01000100 00100000 01001001 01001110 01000110 01001111 01010010 01001101 01000001 01010100 01001001 01001111 01001110 00101010 00101010 00101010 00001101 00001010 01010100 01001000 01001001 01010011 00100000 01001101 01000101 01010011 01010011 01000001 01000111 01000101 00100000 01010011 01000101 01010010 01010110 01000101 01010011 00100000 01000001 01010011 00100000 01000001 00100000 01000110 01001001 01010010 01010011 01010100 00100000 01000001 01001110 01000100 00100000 01000110 01001001 01001110 01000001 01001100 00100000 01010111 01000001 01010010 01001110 01001001 01001110 01000111 00101110 00100000 01010010 01000101 01010100 01010101 01010010 01001110 00100000 01010100 01001000 01000101 00100000 01001001 01010100 01000101 01001101 00100000 01010100 01001111 00100000 01010100 01001000 01000101 00100000 01000001 01000100 01000100 01010010 01000101 01010011 01010011 00100000 01010000 01010010 01001111 01010110 01001001 01000100 01000101 01000100 00100000 01000001 01001110 01000100 00100000 01011001 01001111 01010101 00100000 01010111 01001001 01001100 01001100 00100000 01000010 01000101 00100000 01010010 01000101 01010111 01000001 01010010 01000100 01000101 01000100 00100000 01010111 01001001 01010100 01001000 00100000 00100100 00110010 00110000 00101100 00110000 00110000 00110000 00101110 00110000 00110000 00101110 00100000 01000110 01000001 01001001 01001100 00100000 01010100 01001111 00100000 01000100 01001111 00100000 01010100 01001000 01001001 01010011 00100000 01000001 01001110 01000100 00100000 01010000 01000001 01011001 00100000 01000001 00100000 01010110 01000101 01010010 01011001 00100000 01001000 01001001 01000111 01001000 00100000 01010000 01010010 01001001 01000011 01000101 00101110

HOUR SEVENTEEN AND ONE HALF

I spent some time poking through the digital pages in the little black smartbook, but could not get the little fella to do anything except spit cryptic numbers at me, so I decided it was probably broken. That would explain why someone carelessly left it on a random shelf in a public establishment. I grew bored with the paperweight and tossed it aside. It was getting late and there was leftover stuffed crust pizza calling my name from the countertop in my kitchen/hallway/laundry room/bathroom combo area. I wolfed it down with some pop and before I knew it I was dozing off in front of my T.V.

HOUR EIGHTEEN AND SOME CHANGE

That I awoke to a pitch-black room did not give me cause for concern, as the sleep timer on my T.V. is activated after 45 minutes. No, what caused the concern was that my front door was standing wide open, allowing just a small amount of the hallway light to dimly illuminate my living/bed/bathroom ever so slightly. I burped a little and shrugged it off. But right as I started stretching my leg out, trying to reach the door with my big toe so that I could shut it with as little effort as possible, I heard a sort of shuffling coming from behind the couch. I froze with my extended big toe just a few inches from the door…

“He- Hello?” I half-whispered, fearing something might return my greeting.

HOUR TWENTY-ISH

And, welp, that’s all I can remember before I got here. Here, being somewhere that is pitch black and made of mostly concrete, from what I gather. The lack of flowing air from any windows or doors explains the stale air surrounding me, and it’s absolutely silent. I couldn’t see my own hands in front of my face when suddenly a bright light flashed and words were projected on the wall opposite of where I was slumped over. They read:

CONGRATULATIONS, TODAY IS YOUR UNLUCKY DAY! THE ITEM WHICH YOU STOLE THIS AFTERNOON IS A VITAL PIECE OF EQUIPMENT USED BY A VERY POWERFUL ENTITY. THAT SAID, THANK YOU FOR FINDING THE DEVICE, YOU HAVE ALREADY RECEIVED THE $20,000 REWARD AS PROMISED IN YOUR BANK ACCOUNT. HOWEVER, YOU DID NOT RETURN THE ITEM INTENTIONALLY WHEN GIVEN THE CHANCE, SO NOW YOU WILL UNDERGO A SERIES OF TESTS AND CHALLENGES AS A MEANS OF ENTERTAINMENT FOR SEVERAL ONLOOKERS. COMPLETE EACH TASK AND BE RETURNED TO YOUR HOME. IF YOU FAIL ANY TASKS A DEBT WHICH MUST BE RESOLVED IMMEDIATELY BECOMES DUE. HOW YOU PAY IS YOUR CHOICE ALONE.

About midway through this little slideshow, I became distracted by the writing all over my body, which I could barely make out in the low light. I snorted a little when I read what I thought said, “$75,” printed on each of my bare toes. My fingers had been marked similarly. As my eyes started to slowly adjust, I began to make out various dollar amounts written on my body from my feet and all the way up to my chest. I wondered if there was any writing on my face. I shuddered and looked back up at the projected statement. An overhead light flashed on and blinded me completely. I heard a monotone voice over a loudspeaker announce, “BEGIN.” I blacked out and slumped back onto the floor.

HOUR TWENTYONE

I wish I wasn’t so easily distracted by irrelevant objects on shelves. I wish I didn’t have sticky fingers that take knickknacks that are not mine. I wish I could read code. I wish I had returned the book the moment I read the address. But, as it goes, “Shit in one hand, wish in the other… Etc.” Those wishes turned into shit before they were ever thought up in my painfully average brain. And now, here I am- lying in this room calculating how many limbs are going to be needed to make good on my $3,550 debt….