SELF HARM

"I personally hate people who harm themselves because I think they do it just to grasp people's attention towards themselves and play a victim card to manipulate the people around them to show them extra attention and care. People like this shouldn't exist because all they are doing is hurting their parents and ruining the perfect body God gave them by hurting themselves. I am completely against the people who harm themselves upon minor inconvenience, they should man up a bit and think about themselves a bit" I literally disgust people like this who thinks people depict harm on themselves to gain attention and care and affection, this people have no idea about the storm they are facing in their lives.

I personally think that cutting oneself is a form of loving yourself, I know this may sound weird but hear me out. Every time a person picks up a blade or razor or knife they realize just how much they want to live, they may not sense it at that time but their subconscious mind saves them by not letting them cut any vital veins. They may not realize this at that time but after several times of cutting themselves they will realize that how is it that every time they think of dying and yet end up living, they will figure out that their subconscious mind was protecting them all this time and that they deserve to live just like any other person, because in the end their subconscious mind is them.

I remember the first time I cut myself it wasn't because I wanted to die or hated myself but because I went completely numb and wanted to feel something even if it was pain, I remember picking up the blade and cutting myself and also the feeling it brought me it wasn't self hate or depression but it was happiness the happiness to feel something, I remember how terrified I was to look at my face in the mirror where i was crying and smiling at the same time, the first thing that came to my mind was, "What kind of monster am I?" But today after looking back I am grateful I did that because it made me feel human again made me experience human emotions for me it was basically my reincarnation.

That day I realized something that self harm is like falling from a cliff and receiving help in the form of a rope filled with thorns, and in order to survive we have no other option but to grab that rope irrespective of the pain, irrespective of all the scars because in the end our main goal is to survive.

To be honest I often wonder, "Was there any other way?" and there probably was but it would have required me to open myself up to those same people who inflicted this mental pain on myself so I thought why go through all that again. I know my choice was questionable but it was my own choice and I am so happy to take a stand for myself today its been 6 years since I hurt myself also my scars have pretty much faded, but I am so happy in life right now. I am happy I was able to feel again it may have turned me into somewhat of a maniac person but it is far more better than not feeling anything and having no conscious at all.

It was dark and painful ride but I am happy to live this chapter of my life and writing about it. I cant believe that while writing this I experienced the same thing as that day where i was smiling and crying at the same time but this time it was because of how far I have come.