Return to Self

Do you know who you are?

I think I am finally figuring out who I am again. Under the layers of ego and logic that I project to the world, the real core id entity that is me. Don't get me wrong, I don't intend to become driven by my id. But everyone should be able to find theirs in the sea of somethings that is the self, and I lost track of mine for a while. It's one thing to not know what you want; it's quite another to not know if you can want anything anymore. One of those things is definitely scary, but the other is existentially terrifying.

What is an id?

The id is part of Freud's three-component psyche: id, ego, and superego. Of the three, the id is the most basic and literally primitive in drive and function. The id is the arbiter of want, of desire, of impulse and selfishness. Most of us know someone who is a creature of id—someone who says and does whatever first comes to mind, without filter or forethought. I know many.

The ego is the part of the psyche that holds the reins of the id, but it doesn't appear from the ether. It is a product of practice and discipline, learning to curb base instincts with logical thoughts from the superego. With enough practice, one can even learn to manage the id of another if that other is a close enough relationship. Like, say, a parent. Or a marriage.

At what cost?

In order to manage the id of another person, I had to take my mind's eye off my own. I thought it was going to be a short-term solution, something that would resolve quickly. I had such high hopes back then. After all, I had experience managing my mother's id as a child and I was irrationally confident I could capture lightning in a bottle and help my husband without harming myself. I was wrong.

For thirteen years, I let myself get distracted from myself, like a dog chasing a squirrel. I catered to every whim of another, and I did it without complaint. Unintentional* coercion and codependency are a hell of a combination in a dysfunctional brain.

*As in, he didn't realize that's what it was. For what it's worth, my husband has never denied the impact of anything, only maintained that at the time he believed he was practicing healthy BDSM, and I believe that is true.

So what changed?

I started talking to myself through song. I know that sounds crazier than anything else I've said, but here's the thing: it worked. When the lyrics would click or the chords resonate, it would propel me to move ahead with my personal growth. One realization after another for months on end, and they're still going. Then I started a pseudo-religion based on my personal moral philosophy, and the aha moments intensified.

I can't take all the credit; I've had professional help in sorting through some of this. Now I'm on a more diverse and less robust medication schedule, but the breakthroughs predate the medication changes. They started way back before I forgot how to write. It's literally mostly the music and the philosophy, and the progress I make on my own between sessions has consistently flabbergasted my therapist.

Why should I care?

Because you can do it too. If you feel great about your life and everyone in it, including yourself—awesome! I can't help you. If any of those things don't fit completely, my playlist augury technique can help you sort it out for $3 or less on Patreon. I say "$3 or less" because you have three choices: pay $3 to get one specific technique, pay $3 to get three specific techniques, or pay nothing to get one generic technique.

The philosophy itself is free to peruse and adopt, discuss and open to adaptation once a community becomes established. It's relatively Stoic in nature, with shades of Plato, but it all is based on the Golden Rule: the Law of Equivalent Exchange. Three practical mantras and twelve interlocking principles form a lattice of belief based on real natural phenomena and emotional intelligence.