echoes of my derangement

have you ever heard of a self-fulfilling prophecy? well, that's the story of my life. but instead of a nice, neat line, my path got twisted over itself creating echoes from my past into my present. maybe that's just part of growing up, but mine are all laid on top of each other like a mess of fingerprints on the windows of my soul. maybe that's just part of growing up, too, but i think it's probably not. this feels like one of those stories you tell where you think it's normal until everyone is sad at the end.

i don't know what a functional childhood looks like. i gave my kiddo as close to one as i could under exigent circumstances, but i know they will probably need therapy to process my current breakdown and they have shown signs of awareness of trauma. i certainly didn't have one (a functional childhood), and i don't know that i know anyone who did, but i know what it's supposed to look like. love, structure, and gentle discipline. that's what i want for my child, but i have to learn to give it to myself first.

i was the golden, oldest child of a narcissist who didn't want kids but wanted to be viewed as a parent for the social status. i was parentified, abused, made to perform to receive love, and as a hyper-aware empath this caused a schism in my psyche. this schism is the source of my occasional delusions but it isn't the only one there. my other parent gave me up, leading to deep-seated self-worth issues regarding being chosen by people who remind me of my parents. i need it, irrationally so.

for one thing, it's the root of my manipulability. i have textbook parent issues and want to please or spurn them depending on the context. it's why i quit that job. the manager reminded me of my parent, and thus my many abusers since who have mimed that trauma for my destiny like my own personal time loop right up to an aggressive manager on an already bad day.

it's also the root of my folie a deux with my husband and the time i went crazy after i dated my friend. like two sides to a coin, one unintentionally used their position in my brain to usurp my sense of self for over a decade, and the other never did but didn't choose me, either. the only people who choose me hurt me and i am working on fixing that by choosing myself.

i choose to love who i am, regardless of how i got here. i choose to love all of me, even the cracks and dark places i'm still exploring with my therapist and my playlist augury technique. i choose to start anew, in whatever fashion, with people who value my unique perspective and don't make me question my sanity, even if that just means myself. i can be my own best friend if it ever came down to it, but i have others. i said before that only one man had never abused nor hurt me and while that is true, a squirrel has never done so, either.

and, through all of it, i have had my sister. my narcissist parent made her the scapegoat of everything wrong with our family. my other parent ran, then raised her when the narcissist would not, then sent her back to the lion's den. likewise, they did the same for me when the other parent was... let's call it "indisposed" by a mental health episode, though returning to the den was my (manipulated) choice. that's a kinder description than an abuser deserves, and abusive they all were, but i'm learning to let go of my judgements and live fully by my principles. either way, i couldn't have survived it all without you, kid. thanks.

why now? because i have reached the end of an era. the time before maia gadwall is past and there is no way back to it. the time before i believed in something bigger than myself, something cosmic and ephemeral and real (energy) as an analogy for the soul, or in the power of chemicals stimulated in the pineal gland with music by the playlist augury technique. i have to pursue this, see where it leads. i have to heal to do that healthily, and that means being honest. it also means being proactive, and that means at a minimum writing soul-searching/rending diatribes like this regularly.