receiving help pt 1

one of many stories of receiving help that is actually helpful.

at the end of a birthday of navigating family drama and trauma, i fully felt all the suffering of all my relations like a nonstop charge through my body. it felt like hell on earth, hell embodied. and i had allowed it. even contributed to it. again. i was so unspeakably exhausted, and my body and mind were in such a ridiculous, bizarre state.

i needed help. and but for the fact that i was committed to hosting an event, i may have convinced myself that i could not muster the capacity to ask for what i needed. i may not have asked help at all. because asking for help when you most need it is HARD - for a number of reasons, right? i’ll get into that more. but first:

so i planned an event, and when i started going through the unwellness, i was obligated to update publicly --- i posted on the event page briefly stating that i was feeling substantially unwell and may need to postpone. friend 1- “do very little. you open the doors. we bring the support.” friend 2- “i’m on standby for you. let me know.” friend 3 - calls. i call back while hysterical lest i don’t call back at all, and she laughs and cries and guides me through exercises. friend 4- leaves voicemail. “i love you. wanna hug you.”

i knew i needed - and wanted - help. here were offers that i could barely process as such. and i almost felt too poorly to receive help because, despite the offers, i needed to make sure that the help i received felt helpful. because how awful is it at times to receive help that isn’t actually helpful and to have to orchestrate or manage your help, finding the right words and communicating linearly when you are having an epic mental breakdown? i needed to set helpers up for success ahead of time, and that required mustering energy to figure out what i needed, right? yes. and no. yes, i needed to start by committing to make the ask for help. no, i didn’t need to figure it all out - i just needed to be able to engage with the present moment, starting with: “i don’t know what i need, but this is the mood i’m in, and this is what i think could help.”

i sent out a very specific call to my friends - a list of 15 or so, a message outlining my raw state, and ike most things, once i began, i went and went. the message ended up sounding like this:

“i have surrendered to be being overwhelmed and confused about what i need today. what i do know is that i have no remaining bandwidth to ‘give’. and that many words and loud sounds exhaust me. my mind is shut down. i feel raw. still, company could be helpful. to feel love present could be helpful. so i am opening my home space to share tongiht with any of you who are in the mood to be soft and quietlike and sweet and completely responsible for your own emotions and have no expectations of me. i MAY at some point like to: listen to songs, pot plants, have my body touched in platonic affectionate ways, be koshi chimed, read smutty graphic novels or poetry silently next to each other, watch a movie, share my gf df ice cream, have a fire lit in my backyard, copaint a big wooden thing. i am likely to continue with: rolling around my house from lay place to flop place as i communicate via toddler grunts and unusual accents. cry and laugh and whimper. if this somehow seems like what ywanna do, love to see you. if not, also am looking for friends to come work from my home this week while i pack. if not, see you soon! any which way, i love you. and i know you love me, too. and thank you for that.”

i started there with my confusion and it unfolded from there into the specifics i didn’t think were available to me.

i sent it out to many trusting that whoever showed would be in right timing. bc my belief and my buds are like that.

and the ones i needed came. and they came with more options than i could have vision for by myself. they came willing to work with the present of the moment. the present of the moment that was ripened by my willingness to surrender to it. the ability to be cared for so beautifully was ripened by my willingness to surrender to it. care where: i can fully trust that all i have to do is say yes and notice how my body reacts and give feedback. this is how the experience unfolded:

i surrendered my care fully over to they whom i trust.

they took roses in water and rubbed and placed and beat the flowers on my body while i sobbed and grieved and moaned and released. my own shame and guilt included. how could i have forgotten again how to offer this kind of love medicine? the archetype of the divine mother says: patience with learning, dear child; you’re here now and you hear now. accept and release and remember.

each kiss of rose and each sob palpably soothed the overheatedness of this suffering. the beauty of these moments truly indescribable. i wished so hard on repeat that my loved ones could experience it.

they listened to my emotioncentered prayers and they listened to the instruction of love and they offered me just the perfect number of options. i allowed them to hold my hand and rub my back and bring me water. even as i was feeling so fried, i asked for what i wanted, and they found the way from their heart to deliver only what was truly theirs to do, with willing service. but also: with their own agendas and egos out of the way, they intuitively knew a lot that i needed that i didn’t know to speak. they sang me songs softly on and off key. we ate gluten free dairy free ice cream from the tubs and laughed and relished in the magical simplicity of cold treats and poop humor.

i asked one friend for an energy clearing, and as he worked on me, i felt this familiar familial energy in my head - one that darts around with no control and with “helpful” points to prove, so maddening to pinpoint and catch. but together we did pinpoint and catch it. remove it. gone. IMMEDIATE relief. clear vision. grounded thinking. restored body.

but my body frazzle soon returned from lack of rest. i knew i needed to but had trouble surrendering to sleep. i thought that this must be what you feel like, dad. it was truly miserable.

so another friend stayed with me doing my bidding, rubbing my back and reminding me to breathe and preparing my space for sleep, singing me lullabys til i was almost to the crossing point. i asked to be alone, and he left sweetly.

and i cried and cried and cried and cried to think that there are so few who know this kind of love.

i deeply desire that everyone have access to and choose to receive such saintly loving kindness.

i deeply desire that the way i live my life contributes more and more to this dream realized.

i deeply desire that i can bring this medicine home and have it received by blood family.

i work towards it. i forget how. i remember. again and again.

and these friends of mine that my soul chooses so wisely. these medicinal friends who have learned and taught alongside me the good artful work of presence and truly being there for someone. they help me remember. they reflect back to me my beauty. they channel love incarnate. they bring me back to vulnerability again and again. they teach me adoration again and again. they offer their goodness and wait for my consent. they honor silence and sit comfortably with sobs and they cry with me. but when they do speak, they lovingly say simple meaningful bits like: “i can see this is hard for you” where others would say “suck it up”. they say “thank you for letting me know. would this feel better” where others would say “if you don’t like what i’m doing, then i just will stop giving altogether”. they say “you’re brave for feeling all these feelings” where others would say “you look and sound crazy”. they say “what do you feel, where do you feel it, let it all out here in this love” instead of “self medicate and forget”. they say “it feels good to be here with you as you go through this. you don’t need to do this alone”... and they mean it.

and i say “thank you. oh, thank you. oh, oh, thank you” often. these the chosen default words when it’s too much to speak... from pain or joy or an overwhelming mix of many.

yes, i live a truly spectacular life. so can you.

for me, it’s because i am in service to actual love and those who also are. no doubt about that. and i know there are a ridiculous amount of options of what to serve and accomplish in this world today, but i often wonder how anybody could find true fulfillment in that without a foundation of and extensive support system of dedicated love first.

to receive these abundant blessings, i learn again and again that i have to kick it off by speaking vulnerably, and often, by directly asking for help from a large pool of vetted humans i can trust and asking in such a way that sets me up to actually be helped. tis a skill that takes so much courage, and i’m here to master it. years into praciticing, and in this instance it took: one fb post, a call with a friend that i feared taking, and 4 other unprompted friend offers to move me to the point where i felt i could summon the wherewithal to ASK FOR THE HELP I NEEDED.

so be loving with yourself on your journey to asking and receiving, hm?

i do believe that as long as i’m answering the call to support people in those journeys, there will continue to be these epic reminders that teach me what i need to know to show up for others, and that keep those teachings so fresh and embodied, permissioning others with my presence to tread the deeply carved path of releasing and receiving.