Quest for Love

As the sun rises, Crystal could not help but recognize the boldness with which its colors were peeping through the rarity of tall, beautiful buildings- an unfocused mind could easily be distracted. Crystal was never a stranger to sunsets, but she was unfamiliar to how hopeful the fierce blend of orange and red felt against a fresh morning. As she took notice to the colors and how bold and loving they felt, Crystal could not ignore the strong conviction that love existed and change was possible. She knew then that her very own happiness no longer had to be fictional but could now become apart of her very vein-as with the freshly arranged bowl of bright red apples and papaya that she was enjoying as she become engrossed with her thoughts.

Crystal not only wanted much from life, but she also felt like it was somehow her inherited duty to give much to life. She wanted to be vulnerable to its truths and receive love freely. She wanted to be courageous through its pain and give love fully. She craved a life that was void of feigned affection.

But Crystal, now 33, was once 10, her experiences taught her something much different then. Though she now wanted to experience all of love; both in its gentility and its fierceness, she first needed the permission from the child inside. The child within needed to feel safe first. This would avoid the tantrums she anticipates the child will throw every time she decided it was time to grow. For the child believed love was unsafe as it left us too vulnerable, and she confidently persuaded Crystal of this.

As Crystal sits still, watching the passing sunrise, she paid attention to the swaying of the tree from where she sat and could not help but recognized the similarity between this big, strong tree and her mind, as it swayed between wanting to experience the sweet taste of love and all the dissatisfying things she learnt about love from her 10 years old self.

Crystal wanted to run to love and unlearn all she was taught. But her heart sank as she remembered the girl, she met at 18. Though a lot different now, that girl was Crystal too. She represented a more risky, wild, and free self who was ready to explore the world and simply have fun. She promised to never entertain the idea of love, as she too, learnt from the child,10- never to become vulnerable to love. She once went close... very close! but the experience she had would quickly affirm that love was unsafe. She likened love to the Aloe-Vera plant - the bitterness it would leave on her tongue was too much for her to even consider that it cleanses and renews.

But as the sunrise quickly passes and the trees brought in the cool breeze, Crystal, was brought to a humble place, a place that felt serene. This reminded her much of her grandmother who she would visit on the summer holidays in deep rural Jamaica. Her Grandma had passed on years earlier, but her words still lived on, and they stained Crystal’s mind like the yam-stained apron her Grandma wore.

Crystal heard her grandma’s voice echoed “ if yuh want good yuh nose affi run” This is a common proverb used in Jamaica and a gentle reminder that success in anything-LOVE being included, could only come through hard work.

The Sunrise had long passed but Crystal couldn’t help but to compare it to the colors of the Marigold flowers that decorated the blanket she sat on. As with the sunrise, it too evoked positive emotions and made her feel like love was waiting for her.

“I know you are hurting, but I will teach you that pure love is safe”, she said in a whispering voice to the child within.

Love might seem hard but if you allow it to live inside of you, it will protect you, the same way the marigold plants protect all plants that grows in proximity.

If Crystal could get her younger selves to liken love to the sunrise or to the Marigold flower peace would become a part of her, and she would now feel safe as she made herself vulnerable to love.

See, the Marigold flower to Crystal represented serenity; Its vibrant colors reminded her of love, but not just love…. It was a LOVE that knew patience and tested the boundaries of vulnerability.