quarantined heartbreak

So, if you've found this page i'm assuming you have recently gone through the tragic experience of a breakup, and have found yourself heartbroken and locked up in the quarantine. I will first start off by saying I am no expert, no professional in the world of love or relationships, however, I have had my fair share of heartache, toxic relationships, breakups, and how to overcome them.

Now, I know that no situation will be the same. I have no clue as to the circumstances and reasonings to your heartbreak, but I hope you will find my words useful and hopefully inspirational in some sense.

1. YOU ARE NOT ALONE

You are probably feeling VERY alone right now. Let me guess, you're on the couch or bed somewhere comfy, post crying sesh, google searching 'how to move on' or 'how to deal with a breakup' etc. Maybe you are or maybe you aren't, but that was definitely something I found myself doing on occasion after my own miserable breakups. One thing that I would find comforting is knowing that I was not alone. And neither are you. The world is going through an insane pandemic, and life has changed for so many of us; all confined to the spaces of our own home. Now I want you to think about how many people in this world are also going through a breakup. Now I know that this won't exactly make things any easier, but I do hope that you find some comfort in the sense of knowing that there are many others in the world going through the same or a similar experience. If they can do it, you can do it. As sad as breakups and heartbreak is, and as much as we wish it didn't exist, it does. But you are not alone in this. You are not the only one experiencing these feelings, and you will make it through to the other side better and stronger than ever!

2. UNDERSTANDING ATTACHMENT

Again, I'm assuming that the breakup has occurred quite recently. And so I must tell you, THIS WILL TAKE TIME. Sometimes there is only so much you can do. You have spent a considerable amount of time bonding with that person and have built bonds, connections, memories and attachments. You open the pantry cupboard and see a packet of salt and vinegar chips and you reminisce to the memory of that being their favourite flavour. You mindlessly scroll through instagram and see Travis Scott's new post and remember how insanely obsessed your ex was with him. Somehow everything reminds you of them, and you're stuck spending moment after moment with that person on your mind and that sick feeling in your stomach. When this happens I want you to understand that things are only this way because of the attachments your brain has formed towards this person. You've gone from living each day expecting this person to be in your life forever, and then circumstances change; and you have to allow your brain time to re-program itself into new ways of thinking and feeling. Day by day you will come to terms with life without that person, and slowly you will start associating things with that person less and less. One day you will reach for that packet of salt and vinegar chips and not a single thought of them will cross your mind. It's just a packet of chips right?! but when you're heartbroken attachment seems to show up in every shape and form. So, when you catch yourself being reminded of them, I want you to think 'this is okay, I am still in the process of detaching, it won't always be like this'.

3. BORED

You're at home, you've played endless hours of video games, watched everything on Netflix and youtube, listened to your Spotify playlist 20 times over, baked every dessert known to existence, and procrastinated doing your work for 3 days. You're BORED. And what happens when you're bored? Your mind starts to wander and 10 minutes later you find yourself in a puddle of tissues with a stuffy noes and clouded eyes. Letting out your emotions is of course important, a good cry is sometimes very therapeutic. Heartbreak holds an immense amount of weight and pain, and it is so important that you do not let it crush you. I think it's important to realise that you can actually CHOOSE to be happy. Sometimes feeling sad is inevitable, those emotions will come to you naturally and we must let them in and accept them. Boredom is often a precursor to sadness, and it's in these times that I feel you can choose happiness instead of allowing your bored mind to spiral into a pit of negative and reminiscent thoughts of your ex. Now, I understand that there are limited activities at home. People probably tell you to pick up a new hobby or learn a new skill, which is honestly a lot harder than it seems, especially when your heart is in two and you're lacking motivation. So before attempting anything big like learning a new language, focus on small activities which can occupy your mind. Clean your room, tidy up the house? It might not make you happy, but at least it will keep your mind occupied. And how good is the feeling of putting in the work and then seeing everything looking spick and speck? refreshing right? Do your makeup, take some selfies, try on your outfits and give yourself a fashion show, feel good about yourself. Do a massive 2000 piece puzzle. Beat the computer at minesweeper. Sew the hole in that pair of pants you've been procrastinating fixing. Colour code your wardrobe. ANYTHING! Perhaps I even make it sound simpler than it actually is, but trust me, keeping productive is super important. It's better than being bored and ending up in a whirlpool of your own emotions right? So when you find yourself bored, pick yourself up and get to it, even if you have to force yourself.

4. BLAME

Often times when going through heartbreak, you may find yourself questioning why things didn't work out. You might question if you did anything wrong, or even if you were good enough. But you are most definitely good enough. Of course we all make mistakes, I myself have made many that I am not proud of. But it is important to not blame yourself. In relationships, mistakes happen, and relationships don't always work out. Reflecting on personal behaviours throughout the relationship is essential to personal growth, understanding wrongs and learning from them is what will push you to being a better person and partner. However, the mistakes that you may have made are not necessarily reason to why things didn't work out. (If you're an unfaithful lying cheat, then perhaps you are to blame). But in most cases, mistakes made in genuine relationships are never intentional. So do not blame or hate on yourself for the wrongs you have made, reflecting and learning from them is a much better approach, and realise that this pain is a part of the lessons in becoming a better partner in future.

5. LOVING YOURSELF

I'm sure you've heard millions of times how important it is to love yourself. But in all seriousness, this is one of the best things you can do. You're in quarantine, what better of a time to fall in love with yourself. With plenty of time on your hands, dedicate time and attention to your wellbeing. Pay attention to your own personal needs. Are you eating foods that nourish your body and soul? eating healthy is key to feeling good, but a bit of cheeky dessert is good for the soul. Are you keeping up with hygiene? not just washing hands, but having a nice warm shower singing along to your favourite songs. I perform a full Dua Lipa concert in there and thats my daily therapy. Taking care of yourself physically is something that can have amazing impact on your mood. A healthy body can contribute to a happy healthy mind. Take time out of your day for physical activity, get the happy hormones going. Try get good night sleeps, and wake up feeling energetic and motivated for what the days hold. Write to do lists before bed each night, and set fun activities you can enjoy for the next day. Focus on the present, live in the moment and choose to fill yourself with happiness and self love. Spend your days being kind to yourself, listening to you own personal needs and being generous to what your heart wants.

6. QUICK TIPS

Here are just some small tips that I recommend you follow to help yourself move on:

- hide away anything that reminds you of them. PUT IT AWAY! ever heard the saying 'out of sight, out of mind' ? Remember what I said about attachment? putting away any items that hold attachment to them will help you to think of them less. Now I know you won't be able to put away EVERYTHING that reminds you of them, but putting away any gifts, clothing items, pictures, etc. will be of big help in letting go. The less of them you see, the less you will think of them.

- deleting pictures. This is NOT easy. I must confess, rather than deleting photos, I transfer them to another device like a computer. However, I encourage you to remove them from your phone, decrease your accessibility to the those memories. 'out of sight, out of mind'. It might even be hard to muster up the courage to open up that camera roll and see their face scattered throughout, but there is a sense of relief after you're done getting rid of the photos. Deleting photos was something I had found myself avoiding and procrastinating, I sobbed at each photo as I pressed delete (even though they were all on my computer anyways). But there was still a sense of achievement in myself, pressing delete and watching that memory being removed from my phone. When you finally delete all 2,000 photos of that one person, opening your camera roll to see a clean slate of just you and your friends, family, memes, and not s single photo of your ex, its such a relieving feeling, quite liberating too.

- don't check their profiles! Blocking or unfriending your ex isn't always necessary, but in order to move on it's important to take your focus away from their life, and focus on yours. I think it's easier if you unfollow your ex, mute their story, etc. No need to block or unfriend, but reducing your access to them will somewhat force yourself to be less concerned about them and what they are doing.

- dating sites. Tinder is a wonderful app. Especially during isolation. Meeting new people, chatting to people who know nothing about you, it's refreshing and can really help you notice how many fish are in sea.

There is definitely a LOT more to it than just this, however, you live and you learn; and I think if I went on we would be here for hours. So I will end in saying this, I know it hurts, and I know it is not easy. But, YOU WILL BE OKAY. And that is one thing I can promise with my whole heart. You will be incredibly and perfectly fine, and you will come out of this better, stronger, and wiser than ever before. So King, Queen, pick your head up! your crown is falling. You'll be okay xoxo

- love from peas & peace