Past Tense

Christmas music played softly in the background as I scrolled through my phone. As I swiped away from a 10 second video, I suddenly thought of you. I look towards my doorframe to hopefully see you pass through and smile at me. Wanting to see you and hear you again.

I wasn't there when you left. I couldn't fathom that you were gone that day. You were always there. Always passing by and coming up to me to show me some funny video or ask me for help. Coming home to a house that didn't have you in it felt empty.

Even though I know I wasn't alone, It still felt so lonely. Music that we used to listen to when I was younger plays on the radio now. It never used to play on the stations until you left us. Those memories became so nostalgic of when we would sing together and dance. When you would compliment me and think so highly of me to the point where I feel embarrassed.

You left before my birthday. And one of your last thoughts before you left was about me and my wellbeing. How you hoped I was okay and how you missed me. Before I left you gave me something to encourage my hobby and to keep me going. I know you loved me, despite our arguments and fights.

I can't help but cry as I think of you. My tears sliding down my cheeks to touch the end of my chin. I never knew your time would be cut short so soon. You didn't get to see me graduate and tell me that you "want me to stop growing up".

But I know you're in a better space. No pain, no worries. You're free.

I hate it though, because I have to refer to you in past tense. I can't just say you're doing something or you love something at this moment. And I never realized that I now refer to you in past tense. Everyone at home is starting to do so too. I don't think they realized they were doing that yet, but I came to the sad realization today. A month after you left us. But I know you're still here. I just wish you were here physically so I can say a proper goodbye for once.

I close my phone and get up from my room to see the empty house. Everyone else went to work or to run errands. I decided to stay back. I know that if I was in the car with my mom, our song had a chance of playing and I don't think I can handle it without a quivering lip and watery eyes.

I roam the house and can imagine you everywhere. In the back yard tending to your plants, in your room fixing something for someone, in the kitchen. Everywhere.

You see, losing someone is such a surreal feeling. You expect them to still be here because of how much they've been around and to suddenly lose them or finally see them go peacefully. It's a sick feeling. It hurts your chest and causes that type of cry that makes you vulnerable to the whole world. And the thing that sucks is the world keeps going.

Even though they stopped going doesn't mean the world had to stop too. Life goes on and they become past tense. And even if they do become past tense, there is the expectation of them still being here physically. To hear them say your name or hug you. You can't help but feel stuck between moving on but staying stuck on the thought of them.

Moving on is the only option though. I can imagine them here all I want, but moving on is the only way. I do it with the way I speak. Past tense. It isn't bad though. I know you still love me and I will always love you too. I just hope one day I can see you.