Oh my God

I sit and listen with an actresses smile feigning interest. My stomach begins to growl . But he has planned the next thirty minutes, and food is nowhere in his schedule. And when I say it is time to get going, I then get a lecture. Something about how now that I am retired I do not need to rush . I did not want to spend twenty dollars on a lunch when I had food at home. I did not see him offering to treat me, to a meal. This date was planned to stroke his ego not mine. Maybe I should have given him a lecture. I just left as soon as we had gone on the walk he had planned. I wonder what I would have told him. What is a woman's job? Should I have defined it for him? It definitely is not a women's job to inflate a man's ego. Especially at the detriment of her own. but I knew telling him how I felt would not have lead to a dream date. It would have provoked another lesson. About what, I am not sure.

I had a dream one night about a tall countryman. I was hoping that that dream would spell my fate. I kept hoping to meet him. But I have not run into him yet. Instead my reality is a bunch of self centered men.

but the dream stays with me. A strong man strong enough to lift me in the air and hold me. Who is not afraid to work along side me. And yes , who sees raising my self esteem , and reducing my stress as high priorities.

I do not look at match.com or e-harmony. I return home and focus on enriching my life. The basics of life.

When I sleep , the dream returns again. The main thing is the safeness I feel when he holds me. A hug reduces my stress, and the country side where we are residing calms my mind. And he does not see me as a needy weak women. He works along side me. I am a valuable partner, he is a valuable partner. We are a solid team.

Tonight we are drinking Merlot. I am giggling, and he is laughing . Not at me but with me. we kiss and then return to our wine. The sun is setting . I do not need a camera , I will remember this evening forever. I lay in his lap and we gaze at the sky.

It is dark, and I am hungry. His house has a large kitchen. I am comfortable there and know where to find things. But I am not there to wait on him, so he chips in to help. He had started the grill. He makes the hamburgers, while I wrap the potatoes in tin foil. After poking holes in them of course. They cook as I make the salad. He has a full refrigerator. A wide variety of salad ingredients and dressings. I wrap the corn cobs in tin foil and throw them on the grill.

I pour us each another glass of Merlot. It was a gift from his parents. It came regularly- a big box. I sometimes used it for cooking, but tonight it was for drinking only.

We eat. It is good. He is a master of the grill and my salads are always good. I like hamburgers with out the bun. Mine is charred perfectly, and the potatoes are cooked thru. Nothing like a good meal cooked at home. And yes he does not lecture me about the dangers of to much salt , as I add the seasoning to my potato.

After we eat, he lays in my lap, and we listen to the nature outside. His couch is big enough for the two of us. I rub my hands through his short curly hair. We do not turn on the news or discuss politics. We talk about our days. We both talk. When he is at home , his focus is at home. No work- his evening, at least tonight is focused on me. He talks with me and yes, unlike all my other dates, he is listening, and hearing me. He is not feigning interest, so that I drink to much. His actions and his words prove that he is actually some one I can trust and feel save with.

When I awake from my dream in the morning I feel peace, but of course there is nobody beside me. I am not sure I even want to venture on a date. I know that this man exists , even if my dream has his appearance wrong. God is telling me to hold on. Do not settle for less than I deserve.