Not your First Love

Like almost every female teenager, most women meet a guy at some point in their teenage years that they believe is “the one”. If you’re lucky, then that guy might be the one. First date, first boyfriend, first love, then comes marriage and you might even end up pushing a baby carriage. But the truth is, it does NOT happen like that for most women.

Let’s just say in my case, my “first love” was anything but real love. Looking back on it now, it was simply infatuation. He liked things I liked, he enjoyed being great at the sport I love, and he had a mouthpiece on him that was slicker than Jordan Belfort trying to sell you a penny stock.

And if you can relate to any of the following of what I’m about to run down for you, then you, are truly a trooper.

It started out as a recovery relationship if I’m quite honest. I was sad because my previous crush ended up discarding me for someone that was not on my caliber of sexual relations at the time. She was far more advanced than me and my parents strongly disagreed with me talking to him because I was a freshman, and he was a junior. So here comes the dark knight in shining armor with dimples that could make an elderly woman smile.

He was a flirt, he would say the right words, and in the beginning he accepted my boundaries which was a deal sealer for me. But above all our sense of humor clicked and he always made a point to make me laugh on my worst days. Of course, this high school romance had me believing that I would marry this boy one day and I lost myself in him. Little by little my world started to evolve around him, and any chance my friends would get to try and resuscitate me out of his drowning daze, he would sweet talk me into going back under. This had to be one of the most toxic relationships of my life. I had insecurities that I wouldn’t tell a soul and he knew that. Often times he used that against me when I would finally want to breakup. He blackmailed me several times and cheated on me with a little over 20 girls in our 2–3-year relationship. Then, I thought it was consent, but now as I’m older I realize that it wasn’t. It was you do this, or I’ll post that.

Eventually my parents stepped in and tried to steer me the right way, but that failed on account that I was stubborn, a trait that I proudly inherited from my mom. And honestly, he was more like my dad than anything. Because of my lacking a strong fatherly figure most of my teenage years, I often found myself trying to find guys with characteristics that would remind me of my dad. Then, I thought it was because I was eager to gain my dad's approval of a guy if they had a similar personality or common interests. That relatability that I searched for was ultimately the downfall of most of my relationships.

One day my mom told me this and it forever stuck with me, "You know, cheating men have a deck of cards. It's a deck of all of the good traits that they have. The same deck of cards for every female they date. In the beginning they might deal you 5 or 6 good cards to reel you in. Then once they have you playing the game and you're happy and slowly falling in love, they use that mentality of "he would never cheat on me" as a crutch to be able to cheat. Your friends could tell you, but you'll deny it. And when this guy finds out you know he possibly cheated he deals you more of his good cards to buy himself back into forgiveness. And you'll continue to play the game, thinking you're winning, thinking that you're changing him. But like a voodoo man, he owns the game, he owns the cards, he makes up the rules. And anyone who keeps losing with their heart set out on winning, will be hurt. Don't keep falling for his cards."

Soon after I started to find faults in who he was and also finding faults in myself for allowing it to happen. He hated the idea of me being with someone else, but his selfishness consumed him and on my side of the cards, he wanted me all to himself. And by knowing how fragile and insecure I was, he used that to his advantage, he knew that no matter how many times he cheated on me that I would forgive him. I would accept him, because he was all that I knew, I was comfortable with him. He would cheat on me with these aggressive girls who wanted to fight me then when a fight would be close to breaking out, he would defend me and protect me like he loved me. It confused me, when honestly a girl would want him I would always avoid the problem. Quite honestly they could have him.

Towards the gruesome end of our relationship, he was physically abusive but the emotional and mental abuse was always there, it’s something that I still battle with today. I had planned out my whole life with him, but I knew that I would be better off without him than in a grave. And I accept full responsibility for pouring all of myself into that relationship. At some point I was even feeling like I needed to apologize to him, that’s how much that boy shook my world y’all. I ruined friendships, I lost respect, I lost scholarships, I lost credibility and most of all I lost myself. I lost that quirky little girl who loved to read and run. I lost that sparkle in my eye, and now I’m on a mission to find her again. But don’t worry about me now, your girl is confident and head strong, spotting guys like him a mile away. Putting myself first because if I don’t then who will?

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