No Tea, No Sanity (Part 1)

They call me many things; an influencer, a model, a vixen, a diva, a beauty-queen and a bitch. Lavender Unicorn is what I choose to go by. My real last name is Knickers, but don’t you dare use it. Every-time they called my name out in school, I wanted to hang my head in shame. Bullies on the playground traumatised me for life. Back then, I didn’t want to be myself anymore. With the power of make-up, I could be whatever I wanted to be. I’ve been working on myself for years since I left high school. I don’t have the fancy degrees that society expects you to have, but I have a multi-million dollar company that I started in my bedroom. That’s gotta make up for it.

I’m 32 now, and you either want to be with me or be me.

Now which lipstick should I choose: silver or black? The neon nails are still on my vanity table. I apply yellow varnish for a change. Little white flowers and gold sequins bring them to life. Once they dry, I blow them. Let’s be daring, I say to myself. I grab the black lipstick. My look is complete, so it’s time for my morning selfie. My phone slips in the compartment at the top of the mirror; can’t let anyone see my double chin.

Superficial expectations drive me to where I am today. I open the draw for a hairbrush hiding under the bulging wallets and worn out loyalty cards. Just need to sweep my fringe to the side, and then I’m ready to go.

Calling in at Starbucks, I collect my breakfast: iced chai latte in coconut milk, syrup and sprinkles of vanilla and cinnamon. Drinking it on my way to meet some friends, I gasp at my reflection on shop windows. Wow, I am gorgeous today.

My hair waves from side to side. Fancy coffee in one hand, and the latest smartphone in the other. Strangers become mini-paparazzi as they take pictures. The camera shutters click in rhythm of my shoes. Drivers whistle out their cars. Some drive in circles just in hope that the wind will lift my skirt. Life being the local celebrity in this town is tough, but I get by.

I’d do anything for more followers on social media: five million is not enough. There’s billions of people who watch my videos every day. If only I could make them subscribe so I can get more sponsorships and money. My goal is to double my follow count by next year. They get content, and I get money: it’s a win-win situation for all of us.

There’s one that I won’t do, even for all the money and fame in the world. Scrap that…there’s actually two. The first thing I will never do is go on that Game of Mass Destruction show. The premise is stupid. Why should I beat up some robots just for a few moments of fame? My bedroom is my office and my make-up is my brand. It’s also gross how they make people sleep with each other, kill each other and lick toilets just for more points. If they survive, all their points get converted to money. Those reality-TV whores make my blood boil. They should get a life!

Sia Bucks only does it to piss her ex-husband off. I don’t know what really happened between them. All I know was that he was caught having sex with a robot. The pair of them need to grow up and stop bringing the whole world with them in their disputes. Having said that, her purple afro and silver lipstick is to die for.

The second thing is, I’m not giving up on Christian. He and I have slept with other people in and out of our relationships, but he always crawls his way back to me in the end. That’s the way it should be. The one pulling the strings in this relationship is me. That doofus broke up with me via text message, what a coward. He couldn’t even say it to my face. I know why, because I would give him a good reason to make him stay.