"Niceness" Is Killing Your Relationship

The success of your romantic relationships is one of the strongest indicators of long-term wealth and success in life.

I learned this firsthand. I went from being single, not having money, and being unhappy to finding the right partner for me on Bumble of all things, and building a multi-million dollar business and a 10-year marriage with him. And it all came down to learning six key lessons.

Lesson 1: Be Freaking Real

Lesson number one, be freaking real. If you cannot handle the truth, you will never have a successful relationship.

I used to think that protecting people's feelings was kindness. And I was wrong. It is not kindness. It is cowardice.

When John and I first met, I would stonewall this guy for weeks rather than saying what was actually bothering me.

Why We Avoid Honest Conversations

Why is it that we do that? Because honest conversations, they feel risky. What if he disagrees? What if he decides to leave? What if he thinks I suck? What if he thinks I'm an awful person? What if he thinks I'm crazy? What if he said something in response that makes me feel worse about myself? What if who I am is simply not good enough for this person?

The Hidden Cost of “Niceties” in Relationships

But here's the thing. If someone can't handle the truth, then they can't handle being in a relationship.

I'm serious, guys. Relationships built off nicities, they are not relationships. They are prisons because then you have to be somebody that you're not to remain in it.

Choosing Short-Term Discomfort Over Long-Term Resentment

When something's wrong, I say it immediately. Not out of anger, not out of frustration, but out of desire to have a great relationship because I know that can only exist if I am incredibly honest with my partner.

A Practical Tool for Difficult Conversations

And if this feels really hard for you, I would give you one tip that I did in my relationship that helped a lot.

If we're feeling like it's heated and we're not being honest with each other about something, then we just physically separate and just text each other.

Lesson 2: You Grow or You Get Left Behind

The second lesson is that you grow or you get left behind. This is the number one reason that great relationships die. One person evolves and the other does not.

Why Growing Together Keeps Relationships Alive

The solution is not that one person should stop growing. It's actually that you should grow together.

Shared Stimulus and Shared Growth

Expose yourself to the same stimulus. If you go to a meetup, you go with her. If you read this book, he reads this book. If you listen to this person, you listen to this person.

Intentional Growth Prevents Emotional Distance

The truth is it takes a lot of work to stay connected like that. Just because you are that way in the beginning, it does not mean that you will be that way forever.

Lesson 3: Distance Builds Desire

Now, growing together is essential, but you can also take it too far, which brings me to this lesson, which is distance builds desire.

When Too Much Closeness Kills Attraction

We did everything together… and eventually it was like, I'm so sick of you. I am bored.

Why Mystery Makes Relationships Magnetic

I am the most attracted to my husband when he is deep into something that I am not a part of.

Security vs Desire: The Relationship Balance

So great relationships have two forces. It's a dichotomy. It's security and desire.

Lesson 4: Regulate First, Then Relate

Lesson number four is that you want to regulate then relate. Most people think they know how to handle conflict. But the truth is they actually are really good at making it worse.

Why Arguments Fail When Emotions Are High

When one of you, only one of you, is disregulated, no amount of communication skills will matter.

The 3-Minute Reset That Changes Everything

You are just going to hug the person. 3 minutes. Breathe with that person.

Lesson 5: Get Good at Fixing Fast

If you want a successful relationship, you need to be good at fixing fast.

The Difference Between Failed and Resilient Relationships

Perfect relationships do not exist. Resilient ones do.

Lesson 6: Pick a North Star

There is one more thing that decides whether a relationship lasts, which brings me to our last lesson, which is pick a north star.

Shared Values Are the Foundation of Lasting Love

Personality differences are negotiable. Value differences are tough.

Defining and Committing to Shared Values

Define them with your partner. Then commit to them.

What Great Relationships Are Really About

Having a great relationship is not about having a perfect relationship. Having a great relationship is about having the tools to repair and to fix and to communicate in a way that leads you to grow through every setback, every fight and every argument rather than shrink.