New Skill Unlocked: Running Without Headphones

New Skill Unlocked: Running Without Headphones

Being okay being in my own head

When I started marathon training (disguised as a ‘running journey’), I was not mentally equipped for the amount of time I was about to spend in my head. I needed the perfect playlist to be able to complete the run (a trait I’d likely carried over from being unable to live without background noise). Without the maximum amount of adrenaline derived from songs with the highest BPM, I couldn’t keep going. I would stop and walk until I queued another song. I picked the fastest songs in any genre, ones that they might play in an anime fight scene. I came up with daydreams. Fight scenes. Performances. Races. Anything that could serve as a distraction.

To my surprise, I began to really like running in spite of the mental hurdles. But as I got better, my stamina increased, and runs got longer. Playlists became simpler to some degree, but still carefully crafted. Not every song had to be adrenaline-pumping, but they did all have to be fast. But the runs continued to grow even longer. I went from 2 mile runs with a 4 mile long run to long runs being anywhere from 7-9 miles. And they would only get longer. What was originally a twenty minute run became upwards of an hour, and no matter how many fast-paced songs I had, the playlists grew tired. I began to grow bored. Several people told me to try podcasts, but I couldn’t fathom it. On a whim, I used a youtuber’s advertisement code and began to download audiobooks.

The first book I downloaded was Dune because I had seen the movies, and it was clear to me from the sample that the audiobook had a decent budget. There was ambient music in the background and multiple actors, and I never had to worry about missing a detail because I already knew the story. Running became a time where I got to be absorbed into epic tales and space battles, and my next audiobooks were so good that they have altered how I view all subsequent literature I read. I devoured the Red Rising original trilogy over the course of my runs, and I found myself looking forward to them each day because I desperately wanted to know what happened next. Audiobooks were the perfect solution for long hours where I otherwise might have been stuck in my head. And Red Rising served the perfect amount of adrenaline with space battles and political plots that had me barely feeling the run at all (except for when the books made me cry).

I still listened to a playlist every now and then, but it wasn’t the same. They didn’t need to be incredible with the perfect stimuli, it just needed to be there. I felt calmer. I could think while I listened to a playlist instead of drafting daydreams that would take me out of my thoughts.

It wasn’t a linear journey. I got injured and needed my audiobooks to get me through the slow, hard runs, but my thoughts no longer felt like a storm that I couldn’t handle. I felt calm, like running actually cleared my head.

When I started running, I was in Seoul, where the bike paths are with the pedestrians, completely separated from the cars. But back home, the bike paths are in the street, and the cars were too loud for my audiobook. It was a disappointment and an adjustment, but I still had my playlists. Injuries came and went and came back, and things weren’t easy, but my head wasn’t the problem.

Then, I signed up for a triathlon, not knowing that you’re not allowed to wear headphones. Even training for the swimming and biking, I would wear headphones, and the thought of being without them was daunting, especially during the running. The first practice run I did without headphones was not completed. I was struck by how loud my breathing was and the slap of my feet against the ground. So for the most part, I kept training with headphones. The week leading up to the triathlon, I told myself I had to take away the headphones entirely so that I was used to the sensation during the race. To my surprise, it felt oddly nice. I still sounded like I was gasping for air, but there was something freeing about being alone in my head.

The triathlon came and went, and it felt amazing. There wasn’t any point where I longed for music or a distraction. It was me and my thoughts, and I have never been so absurdly proud of myself.

A couple days ago, I went for a painful run on sore legs and turned to music and my book for help, but I found myself needing silence for the last mile. It’s been happening in other areas of my life as well. I no longer need TV playing in the background when I’m home. I can live without playing music as I walk. It is calmer in my head. Finally.