Never Tell Your Child That You May Be Hurting Him

What you never tell your child - we are not talking about obvious things: for example, telling your child that he or she is not wanted by his or her parents or that he or she is the cause of family problems!! Although sometimes it happens that some lose control and ignore the child's feelings so much as to throw such ugly words, most parents would not hurt their child so much.

What you're not telling your child isn't just about the little things that parents don't say because they think they're protecting him or her and because the child "doesn't need to know about these things," such as how children and other things are done. sexual issues, such as parenting issues, health issues, or financial issues.

Many times the child immediately senses a problem - he is not nearly blind; and if he asks about that problem - for example, "Are you upset with Daddy?", he lies with a smile and says "no, darling, everything is fine" you don't want to tell him the truth (even small children perceive when you have a problem);

In such situations, no matter how much you tell yourself that you are protecting your child by hiding his or her marital, family, financial, or health problems, perhaps a more appropriate tactic when asked, would be to tell him or her that it is indeed a problem. provide "mature" details.

Because if there is a long-term problem in the family, the little one certainly perceives it and he should see that the parent is sincere and open to him… Otherwise, especially if he is old enough to understand very well that something is not well, he feels excluded, ignored, and disregarded (many children are angry because their parents avoided telling them about family problems until the last moment).

But this is not the main theme of this article either - rather, when we refer to what you never tell your child, we are referring to those little comments that any parent can miss, without realizing at the moment that they can hurt, offend or damage…

What do you never tell your child:

"Your brother/sister was/is so good at…". Strictly forbidden - rivalry between siblings is difficult to avoid anyway, and such remarks - even if you did not intend them malicious - only affect the relationship between siblings and affect the child's self-esteem. As a parent, you probably know that a child needs not criticism but encouragement, so try to avoid such remarks.

"Your mother / father is horrible / incapable / insensitive." And other criticisms of the other parent - do not involve the child in your quarrels, do not make him the person to whom you tell all the intimate details, and do not force him to take your side! If he asks if you're arguing, you can say yes, "Mom and Dad got a little upset" - but don't start venting your anger and criticizing the other parent. The child should never take part!

"You're so messy/naughty/helpless/lazy/stupid" These are nothing more than labels, which once you address them to the child a few times, go into their head - if their parent tells them that this is so, so is it, right?

"In the same category," what don't you tell the child "? include remarks such as "you can't even", "you never do", "you're not even able to", "you don't do well the way you do" - criticisms that hurt and discourage the child and other negative remarks (even if you find them soft or funny) about their physical appearance. In connection with this, try to avoid nicknames that might amuse you, but would not amuse the child at all.

"I've told you a thousand times that if you (don't) do X, that's how it will be!" A typical remark - the parent is the one who knows everything and knows best what the child should and should have done!

But to approach such a somewhat superior attitude is not exactly the way to persuade him to listen to you and to trust what you tell him - rather, you make him feel incapable, to look at you as a parent who thinks that only he is right and even to rebel. Of course, many times the situation is real: you tell him to (not) do something, he doesn't listen, then he complains about the consequences.

But instead of jumping with "I told you so," try saying something like, "Maybe next time you could do that." And remember: not only is the child wrong - and the parent is wrong!

"That's why" or "because that's what I say." Honestly - how would you react if you were asked the question "why?" - "of that". You would be annoyed or completely ignore the request, wouldn't you? If the person asking for something can't even find an argument… Try, even at the most obvious request, if the little one asks "why?" (as he often asks), tell him why this is better or why it is necessary.

"If you don't do that, I'll punish you / slap you / give you gypsies, etc." Very important, if we think about what you are not telling your child. As an even more negative answer to the child's question "why?" come the lines that are threats.

Try, even if it seems the most convenient way to make him listen, not to use threats! If it works - that is, the little one will listen - he does it out of fear; so you want to impose, out of fear? If it doesn't work, you lose it right away - the baby knows full well that you won't slap him or hit the gypsies! Rather than threatening, you better explain to him what you want from him and why, and when he refuses, you find a punishment like denying him an activity he likes (when there is no other way).

"Stop crying/don't be upset / don't be sad / don't be afraid." All you have to do is do them good or teach them that some emotional manifestations are a bit exaggerated! But the child feels what he is feeling, so do not try to prevent him from expressing his emotions. Rather, when it comes to negative emotions (fear, upset), try to ask him why he feels this way and to soothe and encourage him. But just saying "stop crying" doesn't help much - you make him think that expressing emotions is a shame, while it's natural and healthy.

"Don't bother me anymore." The child wants as much attention as possible and does not understand that you may need a little time to breathe on your own. If you come home tired, nervous, he will still want to be with you. You can tell her "we sit and play and talk in half an hour, first mom/dad has a little work", but never "get me out of here", "get mad at me", "get out of here", "leave me alone "