My Yellow

It can be startling how lonely and empty a room can feel. It once felt full, a room of life and laughter as you sat and told stories. As we gathered around you in what was, we found, to be your last days on this earth. We would make jokes and play games and you would ask us about life, our jobs, our goals and constantly remind us we were worthwhile, and you were proud of us.

It seems remiss to say that one day you got sick, because you had been sick. You had not been able to move around as much, you were short of breath more. You progressed quicker than we could have predicted, and it became clear we had a lot less time on all our hands. I sat by your bed holding your hand even though you slept through. Family sent flowers a huge bouquet of many colors with beautiful marigolds scattered throughout.

I looked at them as I held on tight hoping to hold onto every moment that we had together. The yellow in the flower reminded me of your smile that always brought out everyone else’s despite the mood they arrived with. I remembered that color when we would watch the sunrise on the beach your favorite place to be at 6am. Yellow always reminded me of summer the joy, the freedom, the laughter, and of you.

I thought of all the trips we took, the art museums, the historical sites and all the time we spent seeing shows and I remember that color in the sunset as we rode home from our adventures. The room was bathed in it now reminding me to be happy for all the things we had done and that we still had this moment right here together.

Then you left. Your hand slackened and there were no more breaths. The color faded from the room. The yellow had gone, and joy removed. You were absent everywhere. I looked and I found nothing but grey as the world changed in the space of a moment. I felt that joy, that yellow, would never be found again.

In a room full of people, of family, loneliness and emptiness still snuck in and left the whole world devoid of all colors. I had to let go of your hand it was no longer yours and I had to move forward into a world that held no more wonder, no more colors at all. I was numb as I held my own mother who wailed the ending of you in this world. Whose loneliness seeped out into cries and tears, loud to the world, my own crawled through into nothingness. Silent.

That feeling stayed for longer than I admitted to. I laughed but did not feel it. I smiled but it felt forced. The colors around me stayed grey. The world lost all its wonder and excitement even as a year went by.

I never put weight in dreams. I never believed they held messages or truth that we could take into our woke hours. Until they did. I slept still exhausted still devoid of color especially that joy yellow once brought. I saw your face for the first time in a long time. You looked well. All traces of how sick you once were was gone, and then you smiled. The world around burst into beautiful color and I saw marigolds shining brightly. I forgot how brilliant it looked to see the joy and the happiness in the world around me.

You held me only a moment and asked how I was. I was stunned and could only think to say “I was okay”. The same thing I had been telling others for a year since you left. You smiled still. I finally got the nerve to ask what I needed to hear, and I said, “are you happy?” You smiled down at me as you held my arms and said “yes, I am very happy, and you will be too, very soon”. The dream faded and I woke up crying missing you more.

I looked around the darkened room feeling that absence again and having to come to terms with my emptiness and sadness made known. I turned the lights on and cried until I could no longer. The sun was starting to rise, and I stepped outside. I looked up and I saw them. The colors. They were dull but I saw the yellow starting to bleed in. I felt it seep into my loneliness and for the first time in a long time I noticed that the world did not have to be empty. I watched the sun rise and the yellow fill more of the sky. I felt the warmth sink to depths that had only felt cold for what felt like a lifetime and I realized I haven’t been happy I had been nothing.

I felt I liked the warmth that I had been denying myself and the colors that now surrounded me. I was ready to accept a world without you in it if, the reminders of you were still seen. I planted marigolds that year to remember the smile, the joy, the happiness, and the warmth that spread through me from thoughts of you. I could see the colors and remember the yellow you brought to my world the yellow I had to bring out now for myself. I felt whole again. I felt you there with me. I no longer felt empty. You will always be missed but I will never have to forget what you brought to me in life and in dreams. Love. Warmth. Happiness. My very own yellow.