MY STRETCH. <3

My Stretch,

Have you ever thought, that it wasn’t me who makes you a monster, but yourself?

Because your family will be the first to tell you, that you...are an asshole, a purebred one. YOU are emotionally crippled, as am I...we were perfect, right?

STOP BLAMING ME, AND TAKE SOME RESPONSIBILITY.

As for ME being emotionally immature and unstable, well, I told you last night in what I thought was a breakthrough conversation for us. I felt better than I have in a long time. I thought you “got it”, and all my insecurities of not talking to you about things, letting my guard down and opening up to you feeling NOT judged. It was amazing. And I loved you so much in those moments. I thought things would be OK. Despite my thoughts that you would throw it all in my face when we had our outbursts. WOW. Today you showed me, and proved that I wasn’t wrong even though you assured me that you “don’t do that unless you are stooping to my level”. So I guess that was my mistake from the beginning. Listening to and still believing that it was all my fault. So thanks? I guess for showing me.

I’m tired…..tired of not being listened to, taken serious, and loved the way I deserve to be loved. Of not being respected as a wife, friend, partner, and human.

I tried to talk to you today and you defended yourself, by saying that you snapped because you were sick. Hmm, ok, because when we talk about me being snappy, because of that or being tired, or anything really, I am almost always faulted for being an awful human. You try to “help” me see things better….guidance you call it. Wow, I say wow because really? There’s always a reason for you to be shitty...but never anyone else. You fault me for being horrible and that I should own up to my actions...but you never do…..

You have helped me a lot, and have dealt with my “50 Shades of Becki” we joke. I thank you and praise you for that…..i really do. HOWEVER. I cant anymore.

I am broken. You broke me. Mentally finished and emotional disabled. I am numb…

I am melting into the darkness and no one can save me. Into the nothing. The black abyss of my darkening life.

Even the little is being affected. How can we do this to him? He was happy…..with smiling eyes and the laugh of pure joy and love. Now…...all he knows is anger, resentment. A separated love. The broken love. We need to change it and reteach him truth. The reality.

I cannot forgive myself for my children.

That is why I am here...at this breaking point. I’ve hit devastation and despair. Im at a loss.

I know you are worried about other family issues…...your “hypochondriac” brother...who wait…..thats me, right? Always something, but never found? Your WIFE, your FAMILY is dealing with that daily, and you aren’t understanding, or respectful. Your WIFE is struggling to heal, every day of her life...yet...you’re nowhere to be found. You got issues, my love. Not just us. It didn’t start when you met me, although you like to throw that at me. ALWAYS. You complain about me not leaning on you, or communicating well enough….but today...dear husband you’ve shown that this simply can’t be.

You have called yourself the “bitch whisperer”...... and “great with kids”....is that why you chose me? To “fix” me? I was just broken enough for you to seem like the hero? You needed to be a savior to the damsel in distress? I was Broken and crushed, you came in to sweep up the pieces……..

Is that why you’re so mad? Because you failed????? You failed yourself because I didn’t turn out the way you were hoping to mold me? So sorry, My Stretch, that I failed to comply. Is that why you are trying desperately to break me again? You need a second go at it?

I DON’T WANT TO BE THE REASON YOU BREAK EITHER.

My Dear Husband, you DID save me, when I needed it. You WERE that white knight. I will thank you always, you got me out of a very bad situation, and i’ll love you always and dearly. You released me, broke me free from my prison….past my demons chaining me in.

BUT NOW YOU HAVE BROKEN ME. IM AT A LOSS. AND I’M STUCK.