My Girlfriend Hooked Up With Another Girl

I should probably start by clarifying that this isn't a piece about cheating.

This girlfriend and I have been in a polyamorous relationship for seven years now. I also hook up with other people (far more often than any of my partners tend to do), and it's all fine.

Though my partner is bisexual, it had been a long time since she hooked up with another woman.

It wasn't due to a lack of interest. Even women who are interested in women have a hard time getting women!

Why is that?

Well, there is a term in the LGBTQ+ community called "Lesbian Sheep Syndrome," which is a phenomenon that describes what sometimes happens when two women are interested in each other.

And what happens in such cases is…nothing.

The expression comes from the mating behavior of sheep. When a male and female sheep want to mate, the female sheep just stands there, staring, expectantly waiting for the male sheep to mount her. The male sheep is the one that actually does something by mounting the female sheep.

When two female sheep become interested in each other and want to mate, they both just stand there, staring at each other, waiting for the other to make the first move.

Nothing happens.

The same phenomenon can sometimes be observed in humans, hence the name.

Whether you believe it's because women are more risk-averse on a biopsychological level and would therefore be less prone to making those "risky" first moves in the dating game, or that women are more likely to be socially conditioned in a way that encourages demure passivity, or that it's a combination of both nature and nurture, you'll often see women who are interested in women struggling just like you and me.

Just in a different way.

My girlfriend lucked out this time.

She prefers being led over taking the lead. The hookup was able to happen because the other woman - let's call her "Liz" since it rhymes with "rizz"- took the lead.

There was another woman who had a huge crush on my girlfriend.

Let's call her "Jane."

My girlfriend had no interest in Jane. She "friend-zoned" her, much to Jane's dismay. Considering how relatively rare it was for a chance to have any kind of relationship with another woman, I was curious as to why she rejected her.

I asked my girlfriend some questions.

I asked what makes her most interested in a woman.

It turns out her answers to that question could also be applied to her interest in men.

This may sound redundant, but the biggest factor was "leading personality."

She also said that she's a lot more likely to feel attracted to someone who expresses interest in her first. That makes sense to me since it echoes the same principle of state projection in my article on how to flirt.

Jane was expressing a lot of interest in my girlfriend, but that didn't work.

Why was that?

I asked her what the difference was between Liz and Jane.

It turns out her answers to that question could also be applied (for the most part) to the difference between men who do well with women and men who don't.

Jane may have expressed interest in my girlfriend, but Jane was desperate.

She could feel the utter lack of confidence and self-esteem, and it was a huge turn-off.

Another way to interpret such desperation would be neediness.

Women hate that in men as well.

Liz, on the other hand, didn't need my girlfriend. She wanted her.

She was confident enough to lead with no desperation.

She had a detached and fun attitude without giving any pressure at all.

Women love that in men as well.

When it came to looks, there was a slight difference, but it wasn't as big of a factor.

Jane wasn't an ugly girl by any means, but she didn't take care of her appearance (specifically hair and makeup) as much as my girlfriend does. She didn't like that.

Liz had that stuff covered.

Of course, she doesn't hold men to those same standards of hair and makeup, but I'm sure she appreciates the other ways I take care of my appearance in conventionally masculine ways through fashion and fitness.

My girlfriend also told me that Liz wants to hang out again and is curious to meet me, too. Hmm…

On a totally unrelated note, I discuss how a leading attitude directly led to my first ever threesome in my book, Never Lonely: The Uncensored Guide on How to Attract and Be Loved by Women.

This article was originally published on Medium.