More Than A Degree

In fall of 2017 I expected to attend Otterbein University on a full ride scholarship. My main area of study would've been Neuroscience. The brain has always fascinated me. Studying why people act the way they do, think the way they do, and react the way they do seemed like the perfect way to spend my early adult life.

Fate had other plans for me.

Sometimes I just like to blame fate, because it's easier than carrying the guilt on my conscience. In July of 2017, I met a man like no other. He didn't have a flashy car, or a loaded bank account. However, he had some sort of charm that was irresistible and he was just so damn funny. I had no idea I would change my whole life for him.

I like to believe life is all about experiences, and the way you allow them to shape you. Growing up was hard. I had numerous traumatic experiences by the time I was 18 years old, and I had little to no guidance in this world. I was just running on blind faith and survival instincts. He taught me how to drive a car, how to roll a joint, how to hang dry wall, how to make ribs,how to fish, how to make a house a home, how to get through my hardest days alone, how to be parent, and so much more. I also learned to not do many things because of him. He gave me the privilege of witnessing his mistakes first hand, teaching me countless lessons.

I can't tell our whole story. Most moments are too painful to relive. Some memories are just to valuable to share. Other anecdotes are locked somewhere in the dark corner of my memory, waiting for a certain detail to spark them back to life.

Dancing in the edges of my mind are images of us hiking through someone's extended backyard to your minnow pond. The sun beating down on us, and the echo of our foot steps through the tall grass scratch the surface of my mind snapping me back to reality, reminding me those days were just a blur.

I'd ner met anyone so sure of themselves. He could look me in the eyes and tell me my mother was lying to me about how old I am, and I would actually consider he may be telling me the truth. I'm certain he was so confident in the things he said, he never took the time to question how factual his statements truly were.

I dealt with each lie I was fed. I tried to analyze them. Convince myself that there was method behind the madness and that I could win whatever game it was he was playing. Whatever game he was so damn good at, that made me question everything I ever thought I was , push myself to be someone I wasn't, and turn myself into someone I'm not.

I never did hard drugs but I felt like I was an addict. Smoking weed makes me hungry. Loving him, made me lose my appetite. Loving him, made me go weeks without seeing the people I loved because I was ashamed of the things I allowed myself to deal with and the way I allowed myself to react. Loving him, made me stop loving myself.

He amazed me. I chased him. I begged for him. I would've done anything. Anything to keep him by myside, even if it wasn't were he belonged.

I gave up the entirety of myself for him. Most days I woke up and I wondered how much more I could to make him happy, how could I make sure he was a constant in my life.

Trying to understand him was the equivalent of reading 45 text books cover to cover.

After four LONG years, he is no longer a constant.

Now, I'm not really sure what I'm doing.

I never followed through with college, but I definitely did some learning.

he taught me more than I will ever realize.