Maybe You Have a Toxic Behavior That You Don’t Recognize

We often hear people say that other people's behavior is "toxic," but we never hear anyone say, "My behavior is toxic." In reality, most of us have toxic behaviors at some point in our lives.

How "toxic" behavior manifests itself

Not all behaviors that bother another person are equally harmful. Some wounds heal easily. For example, you and your partner may say things that are unfair during a discussion, but you quickly forgive each other and there are no long-term upsets.

Emotional abuse, for example, can not only affect a relationship but can also change a person's life so that it can lead to long-term struggles in life. As such, toxic behavior is something that poisons a relationship and could limit the other person's development.

Common types of toxic behavior

We could hardly recognize our toxic behavior. For this reason, we may never realize that our behavior can hurt others and even ourselves.

Here are the toxic behaviors that we do not recognize, but that often occur in the practice of therapy:

Minimizing someone's pain. Instead of meeting a person who only needs your presence, say words that you miss. "Everything happens because …" or "This will happen too …". You're probably doing this without intending to offend that man.

What you should do: Allow the person to share their experience without trying to dismiss the pain. Listen and be empathetic. Maybe this person needs time to learn a life lesson. For now, give her love and care in return.

Constantly criticizing. This pattern is especially common among parents with adult children. There is no such thing as flawless persons - their parents are too permissive, their clothes are not ok, their house needs cleaning. You may think you are helping him, but the person at the other end of the line will think you despise him.

What you should do: Before giving your opinion or guidance, think carefully about how it might be received. Think, for example, that criticizing parents is not always welcome.

Indirect expression of anger. Conflict causes inconvenience. Therefore, you express your irritation towards someone indirectly - what is often called "passive-aggressive" behavior. For example, make a joke about a person's appearance, which is nothing more than a veiled critique. Or you may be dissatisfied with the fact that you are being asked to do something and you don't feel like doing it.

These behaviors are particularly harmful because they are partially hidden and make discussion and work difficult.

What to do: Be honest with yourself, with the feelings you have that have led to such behavior. If you are dissatisfied with something and want to say what you think, find the time and the way to do it directly and honestly.

Avoid privacy. Although you have an emotional connection with those around you, you are tempted to look for ways to keep your relationship closer. You will try not to show your emotions, to look for arguments, to make jokes about the other person just not to spend too much time together. In this process, the other person will feel ignored and confused.

What you should do: Look at the relationship patterns you have had. Read "attachment style" information to learn how to connect with others. You can also address this issue in therapy.

Absence: Being absent just when the other person needs you, do not offer support in difficult times.

What you should do: Think about the people you are in contact with who are going through a difficult time. Ask them how you can help them. It's much better to support someone the way you can than to be absent, even if you don't know "what to say."

Hiding problems. Don't share a major problem with those closest to you. For example, don't talk about a financial problem, workplace problems, or addiction. You may say to yourself that you are protecting the other person or that you are letting them know. In reality, the other person feels your secret behavior is dishonest, which is toxic to relationships.

What you should do: Talk openly with people who need to know how you feel, no matter how difficult it may seem. This will probably support you more and may have a solution that you didn't think of.

You're always distracted, careless. This behavior can be particularly difficult to identify as toxic because it is so passive. There is no obvious conflict with the other person, you are just preoccupied with other things all the time.

You have little time to pay attention to those around you. Nowadays, distraction often comes when we receive a notification on the phone, without realizing that this takes us away from our real relationships.

What you should do: Focus on the important people in your life. Forget your cell phone, TV, or computer. Simply be present in the other person's life.

If you are involved in any of these toxic behaviors, do not worry. No one is perfect, and the fact that you can see your shortcomings is a good sign: it means you can do better.

The desire to do better is a key distinction between having episodes of toxic behavior and being a toxic person. Through a combination of personality and personal history, the toxic behavior of some people is so vast that their mere presence seems poisoned to most people.

It takes honesty to recognize your flaws and to accept them. As you try to change your behavior, be careful not to abuse the emotions of others. As you try to be kind to others, remember to be kind to yourself first and foremost.