Marriage Math

Marriage is in a strange, awkward spot these days. On one hand, young people openly dismiss it; on the other, most middle-aged adults are already deep within it, and most of those same young people will eventually tie the knot. Marriage is like money—many scorn it, yet most are compelled to chase it.

In recent years, however, I’ve noticed a significant shift: more and more young adults are stating they simply don't want to get married, finding that the single life is quite appealing. Fear of commitment (or Kohnphobia) has become a widespread phenomenon for both men and women.

Why Is No One Walking Down the Aisle?

Surveys consistently show that the reasons for this reluctance fall into three main categories:

Overwhelming Social Pressure: The sheer burden of modern life.

Unmet Objective Conditions: Lacking the stability in finances or the “ideal” partner.

Subjective Disappointment: General dissatisfaction with future expectations.

As philosopher aptly put it, "Sex is the life of the flesh, governed by the principle of pleasure. Love is the life of the spirit, governed by the principle of ideal. Marriage is the life of society, governed by the principle of reality."

These are three fundamentally different things, and the difficulty of marriage lies in trying to unite all three within the same person.

But marriage isn't a monster! When managed with care, overcoming the natural challenges of cohabitation, it becomes a powerful vehicle for mutual growth. The key is understanding that running a successful marriage is a dynamic process—one that requires knowing when to add and when to subtract.

The Art of Addition: Why Communication is Oxygen

The primary "addition" you must make to your marriage is communication.

Communication is the oxygen and the window of the relationship. It must be continuously supplied and kept wide open. Without it, you cannot truly understand your partner's feelings and thoughts. If conflict or misunderstandings arise without the vital supply of communication, the marriage will begin to suffocate and cannot last.

Psychological studies show that couples who engage in deep conversation at least once a week have a 65% higher chance of long-term success than those who never do.

Don't wait until conflicts have spiraled out of control to try and retrospectively discuss your feelings. Once a knot is tied tight and fixed, one or two rushed conversations are too little, too late. As the saying goes, "Three feet of ice does not form in a single cold day."

I often receive pleas in my consultation sessions: "Uncle, I’m trying to communicate and change, why won't he give me a chance?"

I ask them, "How long did your previous, flawed communication pattern last?"

I gently follow up: "Do you think one or two conversations can fix years of ineffective exchange?" Silence.

Treat communication as the vital oxygen of your marriage. Maintain the supply to keep the relationship healthy. Don't wait until you're already in severe oxygen deprivation to try and deliver it—by then, it may be too late to revive the patient.

The Art of Subtraction: What You Must Let Go

For a happy marriage, being good at "addition" is only half the battle; you must also master "subtraction."

1. Subtract the Illusion of the Perfect Partner

Psychology states that everyone has an internal guide seeking an ideal mate. In our youth, we all harbor fantasies: wishing our partner was as beautiful as a certain celebrity, or as charming and wealthy as a romantic lead.

But after marriage, when the idealized image clashes with the reality of messy, ordinary life, people often fall into disappointment and regret, believing they chose wrong. The cruel truth is that even if they left and started anew, they'd face the same result: disappointment.

The world has no flawless person. The key to lasting happiness is maintaining low expectations and high tolerance. Marriage is built on reality, not fantasy. Only when you accept your spouse as a perfectly ordinary human being, and your life as perfectly ordinary, can you stop chasing unrealistic dreams and start lovingly managing the relationship you actually have.

2. Subtract Endless Stubbornness

There's a simple truth about healthy relationships: They run on mutual compromise.

Sadly, many people miss this point in marriage. Some believe rules are sacred, compromise is retreat, and yielding is simply letting the other person win. While having conviction is good, marriage is the art of compromise. You are two people sharing one road and one plate. A person who stubbornly insists on their own way without any consideration for their partner’s feelings will inevitably travel alone.

3. Subtract People-Pleasing and Embrace Your True Self

Many individuals habitually try to please their partners, fearing they aren't good enough or that they'll be rejected. This "people-pleaser personality" constantly sacrifices their own comfort, always prioritizing the partner’s feelings. They suppress their true emotions and never refuse demands, wearing a mask they believe the spouse will love.

Ironically, this desperate need to please is often the catalyst for the relationship’s breakdown.

You cannot satisfy everyone. So, at the very least, follow your own heart and accept yourself. Make yourself happy. A person who truly loves you will not stop loving you because you did something they didn't like. Conversely, a person who doesn't love you won't suddenly start, no matter how much you try to please them.

Stop trying to be the "perfect character" in someone else's script. Your authentic self is far more important than any illusion of perfection.