Lost Light

Everyone is born with a light inside of them, some brighter then others. As we age depending on choices we make and incidents that happen to us this light dims. Sometimes people steal our light. You can almost feel when this happens because you start to feel empty. Your moral almost disappears and you are emotional shut down. You feel as if you are floating through life an nothing makes you happy. I’ve had many people try to steal mine. Once a man almost succeeded.

I met Gabe in Brooklyn spring 2012. I was 22 years old he was 31 years old. He seemed like such a joyous person. I wasn’t in the best position in life but I was still happy. Gabe made it seem like he could help me. “Build me to be a better me” his words not mine. My inner thoughts, i guess my “gut” told me that he was not the person he claimed to be. I ignored it. I wanted to be a better me not just for me but for him.

Slowly but surely he moved in with me and it was nice except little things would bother him. They way I walked, I didn’t know that he liked his cucumbers skin off (he never mentioned), suddenly I was overweight and needed to work out twice a day. This hurt me. I was not overweight, I walk how I walk and I’m not a mind reader I thought to myself.

Then one day he woke up mad. He was upset about the size of the pancakes I made. I expressed to him that I’ve been making the pancakes the same size for the past couple of days and suddenly I felt a hot sting on my left cheek. He slapped me. So hard I could feel the blood raise in my cheek. He towered his 6’2 body over me and leaned into my ear “don’t talk back to me bitch”.

Who was this person standing front of me. It couldn’t be the nice man I met. I turned back to fix the pancakes. I was scared. I should have left but instead I tried to understand. I had seen Peaceful Warrior a while back and something stuck out to me “those who are the hardest to love need love the most”. So instead of leaving a tried to love harder. It didn’t work. Gabe would find other reasons to put his hands on me.

Then one day He told me I couldn’t leave the house. I protested “why?” And he beat me so badly that I couldn’t move. He stomped my feet so hard they swelled up and I couldn’t even put in shoes. I was trapped. He took my cell phone and told me i wasn’t allowed to eat. He made me sleep on the floor. I was paralyzed with fear. Each day I thought about ways to escaped, but says turned into weaks.

One day he left the house. I packed a bag with my most important things and my identification. He came back before I tried to flee. I hid the bag in fear if he saw it he would hurt me. He came in an turned on the radio. I sat in silence just listening to the radio host talk about metaphysics and manifesting your own destiny, and then it hit me. This man had been trying to steal my light this whole time. I was dimming and if i continued I would eventually fade. I couldn’t let him take that from me.

The next day I told him I had a doctors appointment with my doctor who has known me since I was child. I explained if I didn’t go she would know something was wrong and call the police here. I made it seem like i was protecting him by going to this appointment. He agreed with me but he told me he was coming with me. I was scarred because there was no appointment, but I knew once I was in my neighborhood I would be okay.

Later that day we walked to the train. I swiped my metro card and walked through the turnstiles, I was carrying the bag I packed. He looked at me and checked his pockets he didn’t have his phone. He told me to wait in the station while got his phone. I told him I would.

Once I saw he was gone I walked downstairs and sat on a subway bench the train pulled up. I looked around and saw he hadn’t come back yet. I walked towards the train and the train doors closed right in front of me. I missed my chance I thought and started walking back to the bench but the doors reopened. I got on and headed to my mothers house.

I never looked back that day. I left almost all of my clothes. Shoes. Accessories. Make up. But I didn’t leave me light. You see everything you can rebuild and buy back but you can ever get your light back. Don’t ever let anyone take that from you.