Lost

In a picture perfect era I’m wondering why I don’t wonder more. Why I shy off from doing my part in this life? Why I bounce from love to love to love to love? Not because I necessarily have the options to hop around like that but because I’m trying to find the best most suitable lover to me where he’s protective, obsessive, clingy, and believes in sharing the roles in a relationship. With my wind of insecurities I hold on to the idea of someone. Someone I may have let go of too many times and now I’m on my own again. I shouldn’t be allowed to drag people down no matter what I’m going through or for how much they do love me. I shouldn’t be held in a corner where they are ‘supposed’ to ask how I am when I was probably already in a state that everybody seems to ignore because since it’s not them they flat out just do not care. I bring this up but it won’t change a thing. Or at least it won’t change the right things. Which upsets me and makes me question if I’m doing all of this for nothing? In ways I don’t want the truth to that answer. Like at all. It’s paining that these existences cause so much in problematic ways of showing experience towards those that need to keep in touch with us. But why must I forgive somebody for tormenting my life to bad, horrible, pitchy extents? They are not sorry nor remorseful for anything they’ve put me through and it’s just sad. Sad that I could ever believe in this type of involvement.

I’m just a sad girl but no one wants to hear the depths of my life, heart, or soul. I mean I respect that because I’m very messed up and only mess up the people I love because they can’t help but be nosy when it comes down to things that are just going to make them feel worse about themselves. I would never want for them to feel poorly of themselves especially over the matter of me being toxic in more ways than I am sure to explain. I don’t mean to be toxic (emotionally unhealthy) like at all but for some reason in which I’m completely not sure about has me at a beck and call of somebody that mistreats me to extents of wanting to off myself. I’m still such a toxic wreck in all honesty.

Nothing goes my way which is sad because I have only ever wanted positive things. A few minor slip ups but due to a person in the guardian seat of my life that has lashed out their lack of care for me and my well-being I really like honestly and truly feel as though that I have no one. My life is on the brink of me considering it bogus. Maybe not even that far away either so it’s a tough decision in my mind to understand the roles of whatever normal people go through on the daily. I’m kinda crazy in a way where I’m not looking to be found by anyone who may or may not have strong feelings for me in special specific ways.

It’s quite lovely to be loved. Not like I’d know that though! In my existence I keep continuously pushing love away and one of these days coming I will truly not see when it comes but it will destroy everything in my heart and unfortunately for me I won’t be able to stay connected to my trusted members. It makes me sad but for reasons I do understand. What I do not understand is why I had to lose myself for anybody to care about me. And even with that in my head it plays a sequence of the matter that people still don’t really care unless you open up to them. But in my life nobody is ever listening hard enough to help rest me from these fears and insecurities.

I’m so lost and now I just do not wish to be found. Nobody is worth it. Not in the way you’d first assume that by reading it I mean like nobody is worth it by me being found just for them to continue to feel burdened by me. It makes me want to cry and makes me want to hide away... from myself even. Get this it’s impossible to hide from yourself so I choose to sleep. Unfortunately for me I’m bending over backwards just to keep myself safe and sleeping has been turned into something dangerous. It’s almost as though the forces of the world are hinting something towards my life. I’m bitter and afraid but am also willing to listen and to follow the hints. Hopefully this will be good. Now because of that I’ll try to stop hiding. Even though the people in my life probably haven’t even noticed my situation or have even tried reaching out to me. It’s sad. Really sad and is the main reason of why I feel so lost. I still don’t wish to be found but I can’t hide forever. Had to learn that the hard way. Now to go and benefit from it.