Sure, I’m “okay”.

In this world; agression and hate overpower love and peace. I’m trapped in a dream state where I can’t feel my emotions yet I know I am being affected by them. Fear and doubt. Fear and doubt linger in the inner corners of my mind. My mind is a playground for them. They’re guests in my privacy yet it does not mean that they are welcomed to stay. Fear and doubt are a couple. Yes they are dating each other and have made a name for themselves in which I choose to reject. I choose to reject the idea of this conflicting matter. Fear and doubt; you can’t live a life without running into one, but because they are dating one is never far from the other. Fear and doubt conquer my life in hateful ways. I’m no hateful person; the hate comes from living in a state that does compromise my safety and throws my positive outlook on life in the garbage.

Excuse me while I work towards bettering my life. While I’m gone I might come across as being self absorbed, narcissistic or full of myself but you only reach greatness when your main focus is driven on self improvement. Self improvement and never any acts of jealousy, put downs, or inconsiderate judgement in replacement of down time. Down time from self improvement resembles an idea of still staying on task and bringing forth more and more positive vibes. Positive vibes are created by those that care enough about those types of people out there that do their best at avoiding negative happenings. Meaning that those peoples work and focus on avoiding uncomfortable matters like being embarrassed or saying something in a “weird” way. Negative happenings are happenings that include: creating fear in someone else’s life, when someone gets conflicted by purposeful conflict, the compromise of whether an issue was an accident or not, and just about anything that hurts a person’s spirit. No doubt about any of that, they are all called negative happenings because happenings do not need to be negative. And I will chant that last sentence until the day I die.

My entire existence is a negative happening. Not because I’m ungrateful but because being an angel on the down low everything I witness on the side of negative happenings only drives my heart away. My heart has run away and I’m not sure if she will ever return. Maybe that’s for the best. Not the never returning part but the part where I know my heart has left my side. Maybe she will gather up enough knowledge to take care of herself in ways that I couldn’t. I pray that’s the case. If it isn’t then well... okay. So be it. As long as something truly positive happens then I will be honestly so grateful. Grateful for the chance of positive happenings to occur in my life. In that way I may allow for better happenings and that is truly wonderful, mysterious and something I’ve been waiting around for. I’ve been waiting around for peace. Peace in my personal life, peace in the lives of the people beside me, peace for the whole entire planet and so on.

Where am I coming from? A place that’s hurt me till this moment. My damaged past makes me stupid. Makes me hide and makes me want to cry. I just wish for it to end now so then on they may be able to test me and if that gets completed then it will show if you love me again. Treat me like I’m her again. The her I had to ruin. I’m not poetic I’m just hurting. Swell, I’m not okay. Say it: swell, she’s not okay. Because to be okay would only mean to be alright and I’m stuck in a lifelong fight. Swell, I’m just not okay. They all try to try to understand me. All they know is that I’m hurt and they know it. Yeah all you know is that I’m hurt and you know it. Speaking of this hurt gets annoying. It’s something they say to go say to a therapist but even then they all know I’m hurt and they know it. How hurt has me getting like this. Crying isn't even a thing anymore. By being numb or emotionally paralyzed to my life and it’s obvious. Obvious to you and me. Because I’m hurt and you know it. Hurt and you know it. So hurt and you all damn well know it. If I were okay you’d know it. But sadly nobody gets it. If I were okay you’d know it. But sadly nobody will show it. Y’all don’t show it. Its making me sick to think of how not okay I really am. I won’t show it. I’ll ignore it. Because at the end of my day I’m really not okay. So I’ll ignore it.

I don’t wish to be this way. Would never put this battle I’m facing onto others. I just feel stuck though. I have nothing to show for myself except for large amounts of disappointment in pretty much all areas of the spectrum and for having greed towards food. I have no children, no high school diploma, no job, no license or love life. I’m on the side of things where things are extremely sad and pathetic in nature. Yes, I find it pathetic of myself to be loosing this much in the game of life. And just because I stated that I’m loosing because of my lack of skills to do those certain things does not lessen or gradually greaten the circumstances of what’s going on. It’s always all about whether or not the good is seen as good or by how bad the badness causes that disruptance in our simple side of life, existence, and our beliefs of this place. It’s a crazy space but we got into these shenanigans due to our free will.

Free will may forever be a gift to us. I just wish that those individuals that abuse the goodness out of our detrimental right of doing as we please would stop already and allow for positivity to flourish instead of being anxious towards the idea of destroying the negative happenings. I mean yes, things do happen out of the blue and we can’t completely control everything but in our part is that we must keep faith and work towards escalating positivity in all forms and due to the worlds high population that we as a nation do all need this agreement on how to show our beliefs on how we come across, enjoy, maintain, and maybe even the sad part: how we destroy our home which is still in reality, here down on Earth.

I’m okay... or am I? I mean it’s hard to be on key with life and on key with your feelings of existence when problems exist (major problems, tiny problems, problems at all) and then they distract us from doing as we properly should, which would be something called: resolving the issues that are causing us to be sad, angered, confused or anything else that is not a good way of going about. I mean that on my entire heart. There’s cures to mental illness (my beliefs, but do still listen) but when nobody even tries to reach the root of the problem or of their problem then it’s all for nothing. Really though; all that energy, time, patience, strength, and abundance of trying your best will not be for anything less than what you deserve. Now nobody is more or less deserving of blessings because in ways the people don’t mean to be so evil, cruel, wicked or mean but they still plant that as their personal personality traits that causes them to hate themselves at the end of the day.

Yes it is true that world/global issues are a reason of why anger seems to strengthen day in and day out. That each day gets “worse” because it’s certainly not getting any “better” but in ways both do occur and sometimes at the same time too but since the spectrum of good vs bad hangs at two different ends it’s hard to explain that things are just kept as neutral because all in all good can’t overpower the idea of bad but that’s because bad things are bad things and by that I only mean that the negative impact is much worse and given more attention to because negative happenings occur to cause negative effects. It’s not fair that there is always positive happenings as well but it’s not as loud of a scream as I try to attempt to deceitfully try to change the games laws for our own benefit for less to no more violence and much less misery because one day the world will find out how much it’s nations that were crying and begging for something to save them was a bit of a “do it now” type of thing instead of the “let’s keep waiting” aspects many many people seem to hold in their hearts. That saving it for “later” is rubbish way of thinking, believing and acting out on.

Now is now! Yet I’m still not doing okay. And by that I mean I’m feeling weak in areas that control my entire life. My mind is under attack and it’s a scary situation but I’m sad again due to the fact that someone has gone and caused a scary happening towards my life. My life is like a child where I cannot process the fact or face the matter of why people are just so plain cruel. Not even just that but this is a main reason of why I’ve been hiding from reality and my life is just struck by how much time I spent to myself and away from myself because I have major fears of the world. My fears resemble social settings, doing things with bare minimum instructions and also being the one to greet a person first. (Every single time too.) (and the newer the person is the higher my anxiety gets.) I just cannot believe that it’s realistically possible that we as a human race all have problems.

Yes now some people may argue or try to debate the subject. That “everybody” in literal terms has problems; but since still all of “everybody” has their own problems wouldn’t it make sense to encourage your neighbours to find peace into their lives. To mend these troubles and then get on top of the world in ways I mean to just stand tall and appreciate everything. All the small things and all the great things that may be an envy’s pool at attracting something out of you. But, we won’t get there because if I’m ever left in charge I want equality for all but then to also still praise people for their individuality, their skills & talents, and also their uniqueness and to draw out many peoples options and opinions on the way of mankind and on the way of the flow of the flaws in which is also mankind.