Life After You

My life before you was good. I had my freedom. I had my goals and ambitions and dreams. I didn’t have to answer to anyone for anything. My life before you was good. However, my life before you lacked something. I wanted a partner to share life with. I wanted someone I could confide in and talk to. I wanted to feel wanted. This is where you came along.

At first, you were the person that everyone dreams about. You were kind, and generous and thoughtful and caring and attentive. You were all of the things I wanted. You were all of the things I thought I needed at the time.

It didn’t take long for the cracks to start forming, though, did it? First, it was telling me one time and showing up an hour or two hours late. You blamed traffic, or the dog or any number of factors that you could think of. Then, it was leaving me in a hotel room to go back home…presumably to take care of the dogs...at 3 a.m. Then, it was canceling altogether and then, finally, telling me that we probably wouldn’t see each other for almost a month because you have more important things to handle and that I was basically your dirty little secret.

In my life before you, I had carefully constructed the walls around my heart so high and so thick that I didn’t think anyone would be able to break them. I built what I thought were reinforced steel walls, only to find that they were made of aluminum, and you broke them down in no time flat.

I fell for you like I had no other. I thought that what we had would last. You told me that I was what you wanted. You made me believe that what we had was good. But, the question is, who was it good for? You hurt me like no other. When you left me…and you did. I may have been the one to pull the plug, but you were the one who walked away…you shattered my heart. I felt as though my soul had been ripped into pieces. You left me to fall apart on my own. And I did. We may not have been together for very long, but the scars you left will remain forever.

But, this led me to life after you. Like a Phoenix, I burned. I burned for months. I became a pile of ugly, gray ashes. I was numb. I was hurting. I was in pain like I had never felt. The burning sucked. The burning was the worst.

Then, something started to happen. The embers from the ashes started to ignite again in a different kind of burn. This burn was coming from a fire of passion. Not the sexual passion that I had shared with you. No, this was a passion for myself. A passion to live my life on my terms again. A passion for happiness.

This flame grew and grew and I could feel myself being reborn, in a way, just like the mighty Phoenix. I was getting to experience another cycle. I began to remember what made me happy before life with you…before life with anyone. I fell in love with my dancing again. I made new wonderful, amazing friends. I rediscovered myself…I am still rediscovering myself. Every day, I try to learn something new about me. The thing that I have really learned…I like me. I am awesome.

While I haven’t gotten back to myself completely, I can feel it all returning to me. The me that I thought was lost years ago and that I was afraid was gone forever. The me that I didn’t know where she went, even before you. She was coming back…but she was different. She was stronger. She was wiser. Most importantly, she was happier.

I began to put my shattered heart back together again, piece by piece, using all of the glue that I could to try and mend the cracks. I tried to hide them from the world. But, then I realized that it is the scars and the cracks that make me who I am. You don’t learn from the easy times. You learn from the hard times and those were some very hard times. I decided to not try to hide the cracks and the scars, but to wear them proudly.

Piece by piece, I put myself back together and allowed myself to feel anything that I needed to feel. I let myself grieve the loss of you. No, the gain of your absence. I didn’t lose you. You can’t lose what you never truly had. So, no, I didn’t lose you. I gained my freedom back. I gained the knowledge that I was holding myself back from living my life to the best of my ability. I gained the chance to reinvent myself…and I took it. I grieved my perception of you.

I began to live my life after you. I began to embrace new experiences and I have made a decision that I am going to push myself in ways I never have before. I will keep moving. I won’t stop for anyone or anything. I will keep going and I will keep my head high. Nothing will stop me from what I want to do.

Life after you has been amazing since I allowed it to be. Life after you is so much better than life before you. Life after you has shown me how strong I truly am. Life after you has opened my eyes in ways I never thought possible. Life after you has shown me that I am fearless. Life after you is better than my life has ever been.

I cannot say that our paths will never cross again. I don’t know. I am not psychic. I don’t know what tomorrow holds. I don’t know what is in store for anyone. I do know that my life is going to be mine from here on out. I know that I will never allow anyone to hold me back again. I will live my life on my terms forever and for always. I will not allow you back into my life, the life that comes after you. You don’t deserve that.

I say that I will never allow anyone in again like I let you in. That part is true. I will never allow someone to take control and tell me how things will be. I don’t want that. I may allow someone into those walls again one day. But, it will be on my terms and my terms alone.

I will not allow them to break those walls down, though. No, I need the walls for protection, you see. This time, they truly are made from reinforced titanium steel. I won’t allow them to break again. But, this time, there is a door. A secret door. A door that only one who is worthy enough to handle it will be able to find the key.

Maybe one day, there will be one special person who can see me for all that I am and want to travel this crazy journey called life with me. They won’t want to change me. They will like me just the way I am…perfectly imperfect. They will be my equal, my partner, in every way. The things that you never were for me, that is what they will be.

I do want to thank you, though. Thank you for being you and showing me all of the things that I don’t want in my life after you. The experience was cathartic in a way. In my life before you, I felt lost and hopeless. You came along and made me see that it was true. You came along and made me see that this was not who I am. You made me fall so that I could get back up. You made me burn so that I could rise again…stronger and burning brighter than ever before. You made me a Phoenix.

I will live my life after you in extraordinary ways. I will live my life after you dedicated to kindness. My life after you is never boring, and never on hold. It keeps going full force, and that is just the way I like my wonderful life after you.