Letting Fear Take Control

There comes a time in everyone's life when you have to decide what's worth fighting for and when it's time to let go. Holding on to someone that only brought you pain or sadness, only holds you back from succeeding in life.

That's how I felt about you. I loved you so much that I felt like nothing else mattered as long as you felt the same. I was blinded by everything you put me through, all the pain I endured or all the tears I shed. No matter how many times my family or friends tried to make me see the real you, it didn't matter because all I saw was my own version of you, who I wanted you to be.

If I'm being completely honest with myself, I actually didn't know all that much about you but I didn't let myself see all that, I didn't want to because I was in the phase where it didn't even matter. Even though I knew I'd get hurt, I fell for you anyway, hoping that I'd be proven wrong. But I was wrong, nothing unusual for me, I seem to fall for the wrong guys, the bad guys.

I couldn't forget about you, you were constantly popping up in my head all the time. I couldn't shake you, but I think deep down I wouldn't let myself try because in reality it would mean losing you forever and I wasn't ready to let you go.

I thought you were the one, man do I wish that became true.

If we never met I think it would have been easier, I would never have had to go through all these feelings, the embarrassment of being in a fairytale of denial, the pain, regret, jealousy or anger.

I'm sorry I wasn't the right person for you, couldn't have been the one, that special person who changed you for the better.

Some days I do wish things worked out for us but everything works out for a reason as they say, I guess I'm hoping in this case it's true. I just didn't try hard enough and was always afraid of what was about to happen instead of living in the moment and enjoying my time with you.

And that's on me.

If we could go back in time, I wouldn't change us or fic our issues, no, I'd just change my response to your question. The day you asked me out, instead of saying 'Yes', I'd say 'No', because I'd now know what the future had in store for us. If we were really meant to be, things should never have been that hard, yet they were and clearly that was a sign to turn down.

Don't get me wrong, I loved you, I still do, have for years after we broke up and you moved away but I finally got in a place where I could finally move on and you slowly started to fade from my head.

Thankyou for all the good moments, the memories we shared together even though I don't particularly remember them, although we didn't have many.

I'm sorry for my part in the bad, not trying as hard as I should have and being too afraid to try in general.

I was constantly doubting myself and what I had to offer, I wasn't smart or pretty like my best friend and maybe that was why you drifted towards her over me. I don't blame you for that, I only hate how you did it. Why it had to be my best friend out of all the girls in the world and why you lied, pretending to love me. I'd rather be sad for awhile knowing the truth than being lied to and pretended to be attractive to you through our whole relationship. But what am I saying, what relationship right?

There wasn't really much of one, It was the kind of relationship where we were friends hanging out but with the fancy title on top. I think it made us both better at it in the long run, I'm still learning and I will get there one day even if you are miles ahead of me.

I'll be honest, I do hate you even after all of this but not because of the dating of my best friend so much anymore, it's the playing with my feelings after you moved away, you made promises you couldn't keep, but maybe it was more because you didn't want to keep them. You kept popping up in my life out of the blue and making my heart skip each and every time, my thoughts thinking we could finally be friends, stay in touch, be there for each other when we needed a pick up. But you had different plans, you just wanted to mess with me a little more, and that's not fair, so I hate you for that.

But I wish you the best for you, I just hope you treat the next people in your life a little better than you did me.