Letter to You #1

It’s been quite a while hasn’t it.

You and I, we haven’t really talked in a bit. Actually, it’s been almost a year since I’ve last talked to you, and it’s been WELL over a year since I saw you last.

So... I guess that begs the question, what exactly am I doing, writing to you? For starters, I’d like to start with one word: LOVE.

It’s a weird conception, how everyone in the world has one idea of what love is. Everyone has felt it, everyone has had it, and everyone has lost it. It’s just the facts of life. Love will, and always will be, the one of the only things that motivates human behavior.

Now here’s the funny thing about all this... I do not like you. And no, I don’t mean the romantic type of “like”. Plain and simple, straight from the source. I can imagine at this point you’re probably wondering why I’m writing to you at all then. Quite frankly, I’m not sure I have a definite answer for you.

See this isn’t the first time I’ve written to you. I’m not saying that those letters, emails, texts, and whatnot actually MADE IT to their destination. The opposite really... but no matter. I always seem to find a way to write to you. Not about you, not for you, but just writing to you.

So let’s go back to the word LOVE. I could totally put the definition of love in here from webster’s dictionary but I think that really defeats the purpose. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t love you. Truly. Which is weird because I just said two paragraphs ago that I simply don’t like you. However both of these things are true.

I despise what you did. Hate it, cry about it, and it’s still apart of me. It’s still apart of you. I can’t magically go back and fix it all. Everything that we did, we had a purpose for. We had rational reasoning behind us. We were in love. I’m still in love, and I’m not sure I can ever get rid of that feeling.

But that’s ok.

I don’t want that feeling to leave me. I’m not done with it yet. I’m not holding on, I’m not hoping to see you, nothing like that. But I like loving you, because I love me. And everything that we did together, has gotten me to this exact point in life. Well maybe not directly but you get the point.

There was a time when I could say that I was truly head over heels for you. A time where I liked you. A time where I felt the purest form of human emotion with you. But time changed you, and it changed me.

Maybe you’re off doing great things in the world, maybe you’re stuck in a rut, I don’t know. I would say I don’t care, but that’s just not true. Even if I don’t love you romantically, I still love you in a caring way. I always will. There’s nothing that could change that. I want to see you do great things for yourself, maybe be successful, find a guy that you actually like AND love. I want you to have those things. I want you to have whatever you desire in life.

I hate that I’m saying this, because how could I want all this for you when I despise you? It doesn’t make any sense to me. But maybe it’s not supposed to make sense.

Maybe, just maybe, I’m allowed to love you and hate you at the same time.